Over 300 Reviews. Including: The Apprentice, Veronica Mars, Prison Break, Deadwood, My Name Is Earl,
24, Heroes and Lost. Updated Wednesdays and Fridays. You "people" make me sick.
E4 has tackled teenagers before with mixed results. Skins showed promise before descending into gimmickry and pretension. And if you saw the 19-year-old Aerial Telly was "tackling" last weekend you would agree that teenagers can be a handful. So how to handle a comedy about teenagers? Is it not doomed to failure? Comedy is hard to write at the best of times never mind taking into account the insanity of adolescence. E4 have come up with The Inbetweeners, set in the hell of state school sixth form and you know what? It's something of a diamond.
The Inbetweeners.
Amir Khan, World Champion before the end of the year? Get the fuck out of here
Go on - get
It's Bank Holiday weekend. More misery and loneliness for you, more partying and pum-pum for Aerial Telly. But he has not come here to gloat. If you think that you can just shut your skank ass up, shut it the hell up, shut it up right now. Because Aerial Telly has come to give you another of his fantastic value boxing bets. On Betfair, there is a market on whether or not Amir Khan will be a champion of the world by the end of 2008. No, is the correct bet, he believes. He has backed No at 1.75, 1.8 and laid Yes at 2.28, 2.3. He even has a bit more left up 1.8 if any damn fool fancies taking him on. But he is recommending that you put up offers at anything over 1.5.
Amir Khan World Champion before the end of the year? Get the fuck out of here.
Battlestar Galactica Season 4
SciFi
There is an excellent YouTube recap of the first three seasons of Battlestar Galactica below. It's for "people" new to the show though to be honest it's just as necessary for people like Aerial Telly who have watched every episode. It's a demanding and occasionally confusing show. Telling human from cylon, good from bad, monotheist from polytheist is never straightforward. That's what makes it such a rewarding watch, of course, but seriously, avail yourself of the geeky Galactica resources on the net to keep yourself up to speed vis-a-vis who's fucking who, which version of Six that is and who had what vision about which particular nebula and how that relates to the book of Exodus. It's a complex and intricate mythology but definitely worth your while if you're serious about learning the way of the reimagined Battlestar Galactica, one of the best shows on television. Battlestar Galactica Season 4
Advertisers continue to insult our intelligence
The Guardian
"People" are always complaining about adverts and it's usually down to a tragic misunderstanding. There's nothing wrong with complaining about adverts, but "people" tend to complain about the wrong ones. With the release of the 2007 figures from the Advertising Standards Authority, Aerial Telly took the opportunity to take the entire advertising industry to task for the "things" they "do" that bother him.
Advertisers continue to insult our intelligence
Heather Mills: what really happened
Channel 4
I know what you're thinking "Paul McCartney's a billionaire so fuck him. Fuck him in his rancid hasn't-made-a-good-record-in-decades arse. Think I give a ha'penny jizz about him getting taken for a few million? Hell nawwww papi." Ok, I see your point. But what about the salesman she married and left for a ski instructor? You must feel for him? "Fuck him" you say " He's a salesman - not one of those bitches deserves to breathe the same air as the rest of us". Jesus - you don't hold back. Right then. Won't somebody think of the children? The children, I say? "Fuck Stella in her ear along with the rest of the fashionista plankton." Hm . So we really do have a victimless crime then? What were the odds? Heather Mills: what really happened
Aerial Telly - love and compassion in his heart, cash money in his wallet and your girl on his jock.
Go buy your girl something nice with the winnings while you still can
Aerial Telly would like to thank you for your thanks. He agrees, it is a remarkable run of betting form. More accurately, a remarkable display of betting class because, as we know, form is temporary but class is permanent. Aerial "Money" Telly has won six of the seven bets tipped on his site and the question people are asking is "which is the greatest of his victories"? Maybe it was the bold lay of market favourite Martin O'Neill in the England manager market? Perhaps his acute and devastatingly accurate analysis of Mayweather v De La Hoya? Could spotting Jose Luis Castillo's decline before the Hatton fight be his finest hour? Could his tough-minded dismissal of the Ricky Hatton hype in the run-up to the Mayweather fight be the pinnacle? But that would mean ignoring his stunning Calzaghe v Kessler preview and prediction. All this before we even mention him tipping up the bet of the year in Big Brother. The weekend saw another bets romp home - Hopkins Calzaghe went the distance with no problem whatsoever. Even whiteboys got to shout: "motherfucker got game". Aerial Telly - love and compassion in his heart
Bernard Hopkins v Joe Calzaghe is going the distance
Think 1.39 is too stingy? Think on fella
OK soapscum, the wait is over. You've been bombarding Aerial Telly's inbox, hitting him up on his celly, and leaving countless messages with known associates of the boy (all of whom, incidentally, have been trained to stonewall so later for that Columbo shit). He's had to switch off his pager, disconnect his fax machine and communicate solely on his Pie Phone, the phone he uses exclusively for his interactions with the opposite sex. The number of this phone is a closely guarded secret yet even on that he's been getting calls from underwear models, actresses and dancers asking if Hopkins still has what it takes, if Joe will be too young, too hungry for the grizzled old veteran. So OK, he's giving you the rundown. Bernard Hopkins v Joe Calzaghe is going the distance
Rage against the machine, Illuminati, lizards, etc
The Guardian
There's no question that Aerial Telly's knowledge is remarkable. He is a phenomenal thinker. His flow is impetuous. You can't catch his style with bugs and phone taps. Hell, naw. Furthermore, he is not a conspiracy theorist. He recognizes such nonsense as a comfort blanket, a refuge for the feebleminded. And with Alicia Keys claiming that the government invented gangster rap he thought it appropriate to reflect upon recording artists' penchant for idiotic conspiracy theories.
Rage against the machine, Illuminati, lizards, etc
The Bank Job
Roger Donaldson
What the fuck has happened to Saffron Burrows? Holy mother of God. Just look at this shit. Plastic surgery has left this mope looking like she's sucking on the world sourest lemon. When you're as good looking as Saffron Burrows what possesses you to do this? At 35, you're still a piece of ass, still getting work, still getting the ridiculous unfair advantages your looks have given you your entire life. Girl, what the fuck were you thinking? And she's here, walking around The Bank Job like nothing has happened. It gives the film an air of unreality. You're wondering why no one is saying "WHOA! WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE???" The Bank Job
How do you play Margaret Thatcher?
The Guardian
Aerial Telly sees all history in an instant, quietly assimilating and comprehending fully all the repercussions of certain "actions" of "men" and "women". He knows all about Margaret Thatcher's reign of terror. He knows what the 1980s were all about. He is not down with 80s revivalism. He doesn't get fooled by none of that NON-sense. Here, he contemplates the decision to cast Lindsay Duncan in the role of Baroness Thatcher for a BBC2 drama and laments the decline of the recognizable political character in public life.How do you play Margaret Thatcher?
Natasha Collins and Mark Speight, saying NO to drugs and the self pitying twerps who use them
Listen to Nancy Reagan for once
Run a toxicology screen on Aerial Telly and it'll be cleaner than a girl guide's rap sheet. The only unusual findings in Aerial Telly's test will be the abnormally high levels of testosterone, a phenomenal immune system and, for those metaphysically inclined, the spirit of telly flowing through his veins. He says NO to drugs and the self pitying twerps who use them. Being the living embodiment of television requires a certain purity of spirit, a steadiness of thought and a calmness of mind not helped by the ingestion of mind altering chemicals. It is this type of abstemious discipline that makes him the classy individual he is. Natasha Collins and Mark Speight
Lost Season Four Half Term report
ABC
What you have to remember about Lost and their "people" is that they know what they are doing. They understand story, character, how to engage, how to get you identifying and empathising with their creations. The jawdropping climax to season three set up an entirely new batch of stories - flash forwards into the post island future. Although hampered by the writer's strike season four has picked up the piping hot season three ball and ran with it. They certainly do know what they are doing. It was not always thus. Aerial Telly remembers season 2. He remembers the Driveshaft flashbacks. He remembers You All Everybotties. He remembers the fuckawful religious allegory and the nonsensical spiritual ramblings of Locke, Charlie and Adebisi from Oz. He remembers all that shit. Trust. Lost Season Four Half Term report
Headcases is awful
The Guardian
Aerial Telly got around to watching ITV's much hyped CGI animated sketch show Headcases the other day. He was not impressed. No, it would be closer to the truth to say he was unimpressed and here's why.Headcases is awful
You've been framed
The Guardian
Aerial Telly is an on-the-downlow kind of cat. You'll never catch him talking about his betting prowess even though it is large enough and formidable enough to rival his sexual and literary prowess. No, he likes to play his cards close to his chest, keep his betting activity discreet and never mention the huge stakes he plays at. Nonetheless, you can't keep genius secret forever and his phenomenal gambling knowledge is known to certain Fleet Street editors making him the go-to man when they want, say, 1000 words on casinos pegged on the release of the new Kevin Spacey film. And he obliges. Because the boy is pure class. You've been framed
E-mail of the week
A compelling argument for compulsory sterilisation of the feebleminded
Stairmasterphobe Jill Nitsche writes on the Ashes to Ashes review.
Have just finished reading your review of the first episode of Ashes to Ashes, and was frankly amazed by your sheer lack of professionalism. I realise that aerialtelly doesn't exactly specialise in reviews that could be featured in TheTimes, but I have to say, the way you brought up Keeley Hawes' private life - in particular her alleged 'home-wrecking' behaviour - was more than just a callous display of writing even The Sun wouldn't dirty its hands with; it also displayed a real sense of unnecessary cruelty. Exactly what does an actor's private life have to do with their public work, or for that fact, to do with you? You failed to make any substantial comments on the programme, instead focusing on gossip regarding the actors - I can only presume you missed the episode and tried to cover your tracks. Clearly, you failed miserably, both at writing a review that was worth reading, or even made any sense, and also of inducing people to continue to read your "articles".
Oh, and I would get yourself a better thesaurus. "Ambivalence" and "nuance" don't really sit too well with "whore".
Jill Nitsche
Aerial Telly responds:
The stuff on Keeley Hawes' private life is totally relevant as her terrible performance is clearly influenced by an overdose of cock. It happens to many of our actresses and actors come to that. Stop your nonsense.
But Jill would not be defeated, ruthlessly playing the "I'm telling your mommy on you" card.
Very mature. Your parents must be so proud to have as intelligent and witty a son as you.
Jill Nitsche
Aerial Telly responds:
Aerial Telly's parents love him more than life itself and swell with pride every time they reflect that they produced the living embodiment of television.
Okay you disgusting slut bags. You want an Apprentice review? Motherfucker, I'm AWN the motherfucker. You wouldn't believe how busy Aerial Telly is these days. One of the reasons Aerial Telly gets more pum-pum than Beanie Man at a booty shaking contest is because his time is so very precious. He's constantly got his fingers in many pies at once and that applies to his work, his love life, his social life and his personal contribution to society. So scarcity makes the incredibly valuable Mr Telly even more valuable. But don't none of y'all worry. Aerial Telly will always be there for you. This is not a game for him. He's in this for life. Believe that. Aight den, drop that beat one time. The Apprentice Season 4
Skins Season 2
Channel 4
So what's new in season two? Tony is out of his coma, Maxxie has a stalker, the boring one gets pregnant and Sid and Cassie split up causing Cassie to tailspin into a dark night of drugs and casual sex. Illustrating this on the E4 Skins site there is a video entitled "Cassie swaps sides". Click on it and you see "Warning! This clip contains strong language and adult themes". No it doesn't, fucknut. It contains two pretty girls kissing which is the only reason anybody will be watching. Naturally, this was written because the scriptwriters wanted to see Hannah Murray, the actress who plays Cassie, walking around in her underwear, kissing girls and having casual sex so they can put it on the E4 microsite. And who can blame them? Why, Aerial Telly of course. You're scriptwriters not pornographers you filthy fuckers. Skins Season 2
What Grange Hill taught me about life
The Guardian
Grange Hill was voted the best ever children's TV show this week by some Internet pod people. It certainly was a fine show in its time even if the uniformly shite actors stank the set out each week before going on to sting the set out on The Bill or if they were really lucky Eastenders. Anyway, Aerial Telly has had some things to say about it. What Grange Hill taught me about life
OK Peter Hill, Daily Express "editor", I'm calling you out, you lying douchebag punk motherfucker shitbag son of a bitch
Resign and take your hateful rag with you
It was almost unanimously acknowledged in the legal professions that Aerial Telly had single-handedly demolished arguments that Kate McCann and the Pillsbury Doughboy had offed their daughter. After he was through, the assumption of innocence of the couple and the Pisshead 9 became the default position for all right-thinking people interested in the case. Yet still the baseless stories came. And the worst of all offenders was the Daily Express and in a marvellous case of instant (or at least express) karma the Express group has been manoeuvred into a front-page apology to the McCanns in all four of its national titles (the Daily Express, Daily Star, Sunday Express and Daily Star Sunday). They are gagging on the stiff cock of justice today and approximately £550,000 lighter in the wallet after a donation to the Madeleine McCann fund in the way of damages. But where is the accountability for their lying shitheel editor Peter Hill? OK Peter Hill, Daily Express "editor"
Ils (Them)
David Moreau and Xavier Palud
This film isn't based on a true story, though it says that it is. It's strange how filmmakers feel the need to keep up such a pretense. I suppose knowing that not only could this happen but that it has happened does add a little frisson of tension to horror. Peter Weir's brilliant adaptation of Joan Lindsay's Picnic at Hanging Rock strongly implied that the events were real (they weren't) and The Blair Witch Project managed to fool many into believing that it really was the hastily spliced-together recovered footage of three annoying and now missing-presumed-dead studes. (You'd have to be pretty dimwitted to believe that though. It's a fucking student stalking witch for Christ's sake. Durrrr.). What Blair Witch and Picnic had in common was that they were both brilliant films that didn't really need the true life tag and to a large degree that's also true of Ils (Them), the critically acclaimed French horror from 2006. Ils (Them).
2 Days In Paris
Julie Delpy
Love is hell. This doesn't come as news to Aerial Telly readers, accustomed as they are to having the honey of their dreams snatched from under their noses by the mysterious dark stranger who simply says "call me James" to which said honey typically responds "and you call me a cab, handsome1 - you're coming home with me". And Franco-American actress Julie Delpy explores this profound truth in her directorial debut 2 Days In Paris - a sparky romantic comedy set in the city of love with two lovers seeing if they can find each other and themselves among the trips to the Louvre, revolting farmers markets and unfriendly natives. Hasn't everyone had a weekend like that? 2 Days In Paris.
Christianity should give Judas and Pilate a break
The Guardian
Aerial Telly is well versed in theology. He is equally comfortable with Aquinas, Kierkegaard and Tillich. His complex atheist spirituality is frequently misunderstood but this is not surprising. What is surprising is that he is not asked more often to comment on religious issues. Seriously, like they are going to get anybody better? Christianity should give Judas and Pilate a break
The Wire Series Finale
HBO
(SPOILERS: Yeah, that's right bitches - of course there's spoilers. What the fuck? Are you people getting dumber or just louder? Stop running around the Internet looking for ways to get offended. You don't run through a minefield then complain when you get blown up. Idiots.)
Some say it's the greatest TV show ever made. Most of y'all haven't seen it. And now it's gone. The Wire Series Finale airs on Monday night (March 10) and it's one of the most significant milestones in television history. This show is that good. It will influence TV writers for generations to come. It will be a set text for any writer or producer who seeks to push the boundaries of what TV can achieve, what TV can be. Emotionally, intellectually, dramatically it's as complete a work as you can imagine. People will be watching the show for years to come and unlike The Sopranos, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Deadwood they didn't disappoint with the finale.
Aerial Telly wrote a thing about David Attenborough on the occasion the conclusion of his final major TV work. David Attenborough: a fine specimen
Joss Stone Cadbury's Flake advert
The Media
We all like to think that Joss Stone enjoys sucking cock. She is a sexually attractive young woman and the thought of her enjoying sucking cock is a pleasant one. For one thing, it will stop the yampy twunt talking for a while, get her mind off herself and her so-called alleged "problems" and get it back onto what she was put on this earth to do - give pleasure to men. For Joss Stone is not a girl's girl. Now, I'm sure there were some female "friends" included in her insane suicide note/thank you sleeve notes but we all know she'd drop them in a heartbeat for the right boy (or, indeed, the wrong boy). So yes, Joss Stone was put on this earth to suck cock. Which makes her the perfect candidate to be the Cadbury's Flake girl. Joss Stone Cadbury's Flake advert...
God bless the ginger balls of our brave assassin Prince
BBC News coverage
It was announced on Wednesday or whenever that Prince Harry, third in line to the throne after his "father" and brother, had spent the previous 10 weeks on the front line in Afghanistan fighting with Her Majesty's armed forces. This news arrived from nowhere and seemed to effortlessly suck in time, journalists and other news resources to the point where you wondered if they were going to bother to cover anything else that day. Aerial Telly is not hating on Harry because he is ginger. Hell naw, papi. He's not even hating on him because he is royal - you can't choose your relatives after all.
He just thought other news might have got a look in on this particular day. Baby rapists torturing children to death in underground dungeons in our children's homes might argue for the top spot? He's not saying he wants to read about baby rapists torturing children in underground dungeons but he does feel it is important to keep a sense of perspective as to what is news in the world and what isn't. God bless the ginger balls of our brave assassin Prince...
When celebrity love goes wrong
The Guardian
Aerial Telly selflessly gives of himself, his time and his advice in the arena of interpersonal relationships. There's very few people breathing who haven't benefited directly or indirectly from his wisdom. He's at it again today advising people to stay away from musicians as life partners or borefriends. When celebrity love goes wrong
In This Corner with Russ Anber
TSN
What does any of us really know about Canada except that it's cold, there's a certain amount of French speaking going on there and that they say 'eh' after every sentence? Well, we know that it's going through a boxing renaissance at the moment with an unprecedented four world champions and guess what? A couple of them can actually box. Further to this, the moosefuckers produce the best 30 minute weekly boxing magazine you can find. For just over three years now, coach Russ Anber and presenter Darren Dutchyshen have been putting out In This Corner and the show seems stronger than ever. In This Corner ...
E-mail of the week
No-one can answer me: why?
Eva Shamoon wrote with a query about the Nigella review
why dont you like nigela ? regards eva
Regards,
Evati55
Perth, Western Australia,
Aerial Telly responds:
Nigella seems a nice enough lass, Eva, but the chat show blows like a hurricane. And she looks mental.
Regards
Aerial Telly.
Eva persists.
thank you for your reply, i live in australia i was born in iraq, do you know charles saachis email? i would love to email him and catch up with our back ground. thank you so much, regards eva,
Well, as Don Logan once said "I'm here for you, Gal..."
Aerial Telly responds:
Your best bet is to try http://www.saatchi-gallery.co.uk and look for a contact address there. If you get in touch, say hi from Aerial Telly - me and Charles used to hang together back in the day.
There have been many fine portrayals of politicians in the medium of television. Some have been based on real life politicians. Here's how. The Hard Sell: Knockoff Nigel
So, the girl you love has got a ginger borefriend
What the HELL is going on?
You've seen it yet still refuse to believe it. What is that flawless vision of beauty doing with that swarthy reptilian? All you can think about is his ginger balls bouncing off her forehead. I know what you're thinking: she's had more balls bounce off her head than Kevin Keegan -- why should this bother me so much? You can accept that she avoided you to be with a high status male like Aerial Telly. That is the way of the universe. Aerial Telly is like a metal rod with a huge positive charge. Honies can no more resist being attracted to him than water can resist flowing to the ocean. But this is an apparently lower status male getting all the benefits of premium pie. You read the books telling you to act like a man. You listened to Aerial Telly when he helpfully broke down all your fuck ups. What the HELL is going on? So, the girl you love has got a ginger borefriend
