Culture being the regurgitating omnivorous shitbird it is, certain motifs recur with alarming frequency. Vampire lust (again and again); rogue cop and then there's The Sherlock, that guy who just knows. It might be Gregory House, Patrick Jane, Cracker or it could be the original Sherlock Holmes of Baker St, That London. Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss have alchemized a very modern Holmes here but one who doesn't really seem attached to any time or place. Benedict Cumberbatch plays our hero, looking like a caffeine starved Ron Mael in a wind tunnel. Holmes has an ill-defined role as consultant to the police, much like The Mentalist and just like every tragic Sherlock since Conan Doyle first penned A Study in Scarlet he's doomed to walk the earth bereft of women like an Aerial Telly reader. Not that there isn't a love of his life. There's always his Watson (Martin Freeman). Sherlock

Being... N-Dubz

Channel 4

As explained in several previouslies Aerial Telly couldn't give a tinker's cuss what young people think. When he was a young 'un himself he felt exactly the same. He didn't listen to Danny Kendall so he won't be listening to Sid from Skins. Jimmy Pursey, Joe Strummer, Bob Marley, John Lennon, Lord Byron and every voice of a generation past, present and future can all go fuck themselves. And as for all you little activist bastards marching on this or that, picketing Primark or boycotting Nestle come back when you've paid some tax. You live at home with your mom or in a squat - you contribute nothing. Get a haircut, slime. Die pig, die pig, die pig, die. So when Jonathan Shalit manager says the band "represents young Britain" about his charges N-Dubz, it’s not effective mitigation for what follows. Being... N-Dubz

World Cup Final 2010

BBC1

"Bafana Bafana.....! Jabulani...!" screamed Peter Drury as Siphiwe Tshabalala slotted home the first goal of the 2010 World Cup as if every man jack of us were right behind plucky host nation Wherever the Fuck They're Holding It This Year. In referencing a transcontinental solidarity that does not exist, Drury was complicit in a media-wide act of Olympic standard patronage, the kind of well-intentioned but ultimately condescending approach usually reserved for The Paralympics, that pointless shitbird of an event that nobody of consequence gives a tuppenny fuck about even though everyone pretends to. Ever since that first game when the developed world began its month-long hate affair with the buzz killing vuvuzela and that dismal cuntmonkey of a football, the Adidas Jabulani (a perfectly spherical hate sponge that Craig Johnston correctly said encourages "prehistoric football") it's been a pale sea creature of a World Cup, undoubtedly one of the worst in the tournament's history. As it reached a breathless climax last night, people wondered how would you ever end such a tournament? “With the triumph of good over evil” turned out to be the elusive obvious answer. World Cup Final 2010

Mongrels

BBC Three

"Why must I feel like that? Why must I chase the cat? Nothin' but the dog in me." George Clinton

Now foxes regularly maul twin babies like they were leftover kebabs it's probably not stellar timing to kick off your vulpine puppet fronted show with the stars devouring a pensioner. She's already dead, right enough, but still. You're probably best off thinking of Mongrels as The Muppets with distemper. The feathered and furry droogs congregate behind the bins of The Lord Nelson pub behaving like the feckless, feral, ne'er-do-wells they are. Away from prying human eyes, they swap stories, offer counsel and lick their aching nuts. How we envy their freedom. Mongrels

Rev

BBC2

"I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot; I wish that you were cold or hot. So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth." Jesus Christ, failed Hebrew Messiah, in the Book of Revelation as revealed to St John the Divine, 3:15-16

Since he controversially revealed his calling some years ago "people" have often misunderstood Aerial Telly's complex atheist spirituality and he has had to break it down on numerous occasions. As such, there is no one better qualified to judge why BBC2's Rev has a ring about it at soulless and hollow as when that sick piece of shit Billy Cudrup says "I love you and our baby too". It's not a show that anyone will dislike and, just like with the church it represents, that its main problem. Rev

Party Down

Starz

"Am I supposed to enjoy the irony or pity the sincerity?" Roman DeBeers, Party Down

Everyone who makes it big in Hollywood has a story to tell about how they waited tables, scrubbed floors or sucked cock to pay rent and thank God all that's behind them. But what about the waiters, floor scrubbers and cocksuckers who never make it? They might end up on the payroll of Party Down, caterers to a hundred pointless Hollywood shindigs. About half-a-dozen strong, they look in enviously at the world they desperately want to enter, like children with their noses pressed against the glass of a toy shop. It's a great premise and it comes from a great writer, a writer who has already produced one of the best TV shows ever made. Party Down

The World Cup has been kidnapped and molested by blowhard shitsacks who don't care about football, tradition or noise pollution

Real talk

When South Africa featured a gigantic dung beetle rolling a football across the pitch in its World Cup opening ceremony like some arcane faecal worship ritual, it was at once an act of social magic, a piece of grotesque symbolism and a chilling mission statement. It said "we are going to take the greatest team sport on the planet, the greatest sporting event in the universe and turd it up beyond all recognition. You fuckers won't even recognize it by the time we're through". And, man alive, have they ever lived up to that? The World Cup has been kidnapped and molested

Luther Series One finale

BBC1

OK, so where have we got to? Paedo in a coma woke up and shouted "Luttt-TTTTTHER!" Fred Flintstone style, apparently with enough brain activity to tell the Federales that Loofs had let him slip to his doom. This was always a bit of a red herring. No witnesses, no incriminating forensics, just the word of a serial killer baby rapist with a mashed brain against a distinguished if plainly nuts detective. In any case, Mad Alice killed Henry Madsen before he could start singing. She's taken quite a shine to Loofs which came in handy in the finale as John "this doesn't add up" Luther, framed for his wife's murder and on the lam, seeks to clear his name and put a punching and a crunching on the real murderer, his former BFF, DCI Ian Reed who's been balls deep in diamonds and corruption for the longest time. Got time for another 60 minutes of pushing, shouting and Juliet Bravo clichés? DO I? Yeah, I do zappens. Luther Series One finale

Doctor Who - Vincent and The Doctor

BBC1

"This world was never made for one as beautiful as you" Don Maclean - Vincent

"There's a stake in your fat black heart and the villagers never liked you,” Sylvia Plath - Daddy

"The sky is falling!" Chicken Licken

The worst thing about time travel drama is when it turns into historical starfucking -- slutting around the famous dead and giving them exactly what’s coming to them (closure, humiliation, heads up on their assassination). On Saturday, not for the first time in its run, Doctor Who turned into Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure as they went back to the summer of 1890 to screw with the destitute and mentally ill Vincent van Gogh. It was scripted by Richard Curtis and as such was technically astute, shamelessly manipulative and saturated with life-threatening levels of mawk. It started with Amy and Doc visiting Musée d’Orsay (trans: The Parisien Gallery of That Art) where Dr Black, (Bill Nighy, who you'll remember stinking out the repulsively cynical Christmas cash-in Love, Actually) bombshells that this van Gogh could paint a bit. But they’re all ‘whatevs’ because the Doctor has noticed that there's an evil face in the window of van Gogh's painting of a Church. So he and his redhead escort hightail it to the Auvers-sur-Oise countryside of June 1890. The fun, she has just begun. Doctor Who - Vincent and The Doctor

Pulse

BBC Three

It all begins with an old man waking up on the operating table with a surgeon elbow-deep in his guts. Surgeon Nick Gates (Stephen Campbell Moore) rolls his eyes and says “Not again. You'll forget all this Mr Maddox - you always do" which I'm sure is a big comfort to the now screaming old duffer. Have my many sacrifices to the TV Gods paid off? Are we back at South Central Infirmary in Bodies? No they haven't and no we are not - it is merely a BBC Three pilot acting up like an unruly child. Pulse is a mysterious-spooky and altogether-ooky medical horror/drama in case you hadn't worked it out. It's not exactly coy about its intentions. Phasers are set to CHILL. Pulse

Community

NBC

Aerial Telly is acutely aware of the demographic of his readershit. Male, twentysomething, clinically depressed, socially bereft, sartorially challenged, morphically strafed, spiritually bankrupt, emotionally shafted, financially quadriplegic and sexually tanked - the kind of "people" who complain to national newspapers about "things" they didn't "like" that they "read". If they were American, they would almost certainly spend some time in a community college - a holding pen for society's fuck-ups. "Community college" Chris Rock once said “is like a disco with books" and in NBC's Community at the particular biblio/discothèque in question, Jeff Winger (Joel McHale) is our Grant Santino. Jeff was once a shitheel lawyer but now he is merely a suspended shitheel lawyer after the State Bar Association discovered his diploma from Colombia referred not to the prestigious New York law school but to the Latin American country. To prevent him being disbarred he must attend classes at Greendale Community College to work towards an authentic law degree. "I have to get one from America," he explains. "And it can't be an e-mail attachment." Jeff doesn't want to be surrounded by losers, schmucks and dopes but it's a community college - what else are you going to find there? Community

24 Series Finale

Sky One

Smarter than its critics, bolder than its peers, tougher than the rest, wild at heart and crazy on top, 24 came out for the final round swinging and went out slugging with a fine, gutsy and moving finale that showed up Lost's ending as the jizz slurping fudge Armageddon it really was. Was it as great as The Shield finale? Naw papi, but The Shield is The Shield and very few things touch that masterpiece in any area. What it was was thrilling, true to the characters and consistent with both the show's ethic and canon. 24 series finale

Luther

BBC1

It's funny how life works out. One minute you're allowing a murdering paedophile to fall to what you hope is his death, the next you're all suspended, tending your garden as police brass wait for him to come out of his coma and finger you as the reckless makes-his-own-rules paedo killer they always suspected you might be. DCI John Luther (Idris Elba) is the brilliant yet tortured cop and Henry Madsen (Anton Saunders) the cunty yet comatose serial killer whose survival looms over this show like Roman Polanski looms over a teenage girl with a bottle full of Quaaludes. In an entirely predictable twist, Luther is separated from his hot wife Zoe (Indira Varma) who is now shagging Mark North (Paul McGann), human rights lawyer, responsibly sourced borefriend and all-round pain-in-the-balls liberal piece of shit. A good cop show needs to be more than the sum of its clichés and you know what? This is a good cop show. Luther

Worried About the Boy

BBC2

I love the way New Romantics are so proud of their legacy. Presiding over the most hateful, barren, poisonous period in our recent cultural history they rarely need much persuading to talk at length about how important they were/are and generally affect an air more closely associated with D-Day veterans. Never in the field of human cuntflict have so many owed so little to so few. I could give a tuppenny fuck about their desperate music, laughable fashion, nimrod posturing and care even less about who they were screwing. Not that nobody caring ever stopped them. Worried About the Boy

Derren Brown Investigates

Channel 4

If you're reading this and thinking "yeah, I hate fake psychics as well, god, how do people fall for that...? But the REAL ones are amazing“ then kill yourself. There are no real ones, shitbird. Just like there are no ghosts, no aliens in air force hangers and no conspiracy ever existed to assassinate Kennedy. Psychics are feral subhuman scum and the only good one is one impaled on a spike with "LYING CUNT" carved into its forehead. Derren Brown Investigates has the tiny magus on a seek-and-decoy mission - find the chump, give him enough rope, then sit back and watch the autoerotic asphyxiation fun ensue. Derren Brown Investigates

Strike Back

Sky One

This is the British 24? Get tae fuck. I understand why PR "people" want to associate the TV show they're hawking with an established success but seriously 24? How is 24 superior to Strike Back? Let me count the ways: many. Ass Crack begins on the eve of the 2003 invasion of Iraq. Durka Durkas have kidnapped a British industrialist and they plan to do the killing unto him. But lo, they are soon surrounded by armed SAS bastards including Egg from This Life (Andrew Lincoln) led by Lance Cpl Whatever John Porter (Richard Armitage) who is killing Hajis like it ain't no thing. Look! It's the British Generation Kill Strike Back

Gravity

Starz

So yeah, we need a dramedy about a suicide support group like Mary Louise Parker needs to get back with that sick piece of shit Billy Cudrup. Nonetheless, Gravity stars Krysten Ritter as suicpiede¹ failure Lily Champagne which immediately gets Aerial Telly’s attention. Having featured as Gia Goodman in the magnificent and much missed Veronica Mars and Jesse's girlfriend Jane in the glorious Breaking Bad this delightful piece of raven haired pie has been tagged as "one to watch"² and Ving Rhames as wheelchair user group leader Dogg McFee don't hurt none either. It's also on Starz who have just had their first original programming triumph with the dirty, dusty Spartacus. Got to be worth a look at least. Gravity

Floyd Mayweather proves that all roads lead to him and Aerial Telly is a beast who just keeps coming

Once again back it's the incredible D, bookie enemy number one

It was another historic night in the world of boxing handicapping. The undisputed number one and pound-for-pound King Aerial "Money" Telly extended his extraordinary record to 17 bets, 14 wins and 3 hotly disputed so-called alleged "losses". Once again he called a big fight to perfection, destroyed the bookmakers who opposed him, backhanded the mopes who said the fight wouldn't go the distance and broke the hearts of those in the boxing fraturdity who called it 50-50. It was almost like he was vouchsafed a vision of what would happen at the MGM Grand Las Vegas last night. Because while Shane Mosley rocked Floyd Mayweather to his very boots in round two, Money won every other round and put on a masterful display that showcased both his offensive and defensive skills. Floyd Mayweather proves that all roads lead to him

Mayweather v Mosley: Floyd on points is the only sensible option

Take 1.58. The time has come to bet like MEN

Aerial Telly would like to take the opportunity to pay tribute to Sugar Shane Mosley. What a fantastic career it has been. We can (just) overlook that he took performance enhancing drugs. He was a beast at lightweight, fearlessly moved up the divisions with his speed, skill and power, ducking nobody and letting motherfuckers know: Shane Mosley does not play. It is sad that his career will come to an end Saturday night after being outpointed by Floyd Mayweather but that is the only conceivable outcome. 1.61 is more than achievable at Betdaq (1.58 after commission) and this is the bet you should take. Mayweather v Mosley

Britain's Got Talent Series 4

BBC1

It began as it always should: with two shite sisters; fat, middle-aged and fucked. As fucked as Steve Brookstein's career, as fucked as Celine Dion’s teeth, as fucked as Andrew Stone at a Michael Barrymore pool party. They were of course called Doubletake like you'd be walking down a road, see them, do a doubletake and go "wow, what a pair of foxes" rather than, say, "the milk's gone bad!" Rick James in Studio 54 style. Anyway, the fat girls played Salvation Army tambourines ("timbrels" they insisted) and performed a vibrant routine that showcased their uncanny ability to hit a percussion instrument with their hands and had their bingo wings flapping joyfully in the breeze. During the judging, Amanda Holden criticised them for showing no emotion which is a bit rich coming from somebody whose ability to express emotion died with her last botox shot. They were quickly shitcanned, the first ritual sacrifice to sate the public’s lust for humiliation was completed. Britain's Got Talent was back. Britain's Got Talent Series 4

Spartacus: Blood and Sand Season One Finale "Kill Them All"

Starz

"Kill them all". Thus spake Spartacunt, husband, gladiator, Thracian legend. He's really got no time for Romans, having been shafted by them his entire life and the final straw was finding out that his wife was murdered on the orders of that rat fuck Batiatus. Now it's payback time. A season's worth of blood, betrayal and lust on Spartacus: Blood and Sand came to the boil in a meticulously organised script executed with the boldness and flair we've come to expect from this show. Hack and slash melodrama it may be but showrunner Steven S. DeKnight is Buffyverse alumni. He knows how to tell a story. Spartacus: Blood and Sand Season One Finale

Bruce Forsyth - A Comedy Roast

Channel 4

Adopting the American tradition of the comedy roast, where a guest of honour is affectionately mocked by comedians, Jimmy Carr introduces this as “good -natured bullying". Three shows on consecutive nights that feature Sharon Osbourne, Chris Tarrant and kicked off with Bruce Forsyth. You have to ask if this was really worth importing. Has it produced a string of unforgettable comic moments? Aren't tribute and award shows in this country already littered with affectionate barbs? Questions like these hung in the air as Jonathan Ross, Sean Lock, Barry Cryer, Jack Dee, Jason "who he?" Manford, John "oh Christ not him" Culshaw and a couple of other mooks did their thing for Brucie. Bruce Forsyth - A Comedy Roast

Doctor Who Series Five Premiere

BBC1

We're always telling children not to walk off with strange men yet Doctor Who hightails in with his schizoid time goon routine, offers his hands to a nine-year-old Scottish girl and off they wonder to her bedroom to see some puppies. He's, like, a thousand years old but that doesn't matter to Amelia Pond, oddball infant Jock with a "crack" in her "wall" (that'll be a tear in the very fabric of space-time is my guess). And as strange men go the man who steps out of the crash landed police box in her garden is one of the stranger ones. Suffering from post-regeneration traumatic syndrome, he's twitching, babbling and jerking like Judy Finnigan. He flirts with Amelia for a while before leaping into the Tardis and telling her he'll be back in five. Turns out, he's back in 12. Years. And he calls himself a timelord? Doctor Who Series Five Premiere

Modern Family

ABC

W.hen Jasper Carrott tried the box ticking approach to inclusive family sitcom the result was the All About Me calamity of 2002 which claimed the careers of several actors, the sanity of countless viewers and led to the unspoken but universally understood agreement that no television show would be made in Birmingham for a thousand years¹ So when a transgenerational, multi-ethnic, diffra-sexual orientation family sitcom representing the family unit zeitgeist surfaces it is natural to want to cut writer's hair off and fuck him with a broomstick. This would be premature² as Modern Family kind of nails it. Modern Family

Breaking Bad Season 3

AMC

The third season of the best show currently broadcasting Breaking Bad begins somewhere in Mexico. Two mean looking hombres in sharp suits crawl along the ground commando style with the other pilgrims, in supplication to some pagan deity before they travel to Albuquerque to kill chemistry teacher, cancer survivor and crystal meth kingpin Walter White. They don't speak but they exude the kind of menace that that sick piece of shit Billy Cudrup does to any woman who is planning on being supported through a pregnancy. These guys are ill and, like Patty Hewes, they do not play, well illustrated when they massacre then torch their countrymen travelling companions on their back-of-a-truck journey into the land of the free, presumably in some protest against illegal immigration. Well, someone's got to take a stand. Breaking Bad Season 3

Lost, 6x09 - Ab Aeterno

Sky One

OK so now I get it. The island is a plug, keeping evil itself contained so it doesn't leak out and infect the rest of the world. So it's a bit like Gruinard Island only instead of anthrax it's housing Esau/Smoke Monster/Man in Black (Titus Welliver) and letting him leave would be a big mistake. At least, that's what Jacob (Mark Pellegrino) says but can you really trust him? Can you trust anyone on Craphole Island? Lost, 6x09 - Ab Aeterno

24 Season 8 Mid-Season Report

Fox

When Katee Sackhoff finally strangled the shit out of the slimeball probation officer from Arkansas I was happier than I have been over a TV death since Charlie drowned in agonising pain on Lost. "Go on Starbuck!" I yelled "Now put your cock in his mouth". Every year 24 has a stump gnawingly annoying subplot with someone you don't care about getting grief from someone you can't hear, doing things that make no sense. This year it's been Dana Walsh (Starbuck!), blackmailed by her criminal ex borefriend over her true identity (Starbuck! sorry, I mean Jenny Scott, convicted accomplice to carjacking murder carried out by said ex borefriend). If she doesn't do exactly what he tells her to then he will reveal that she faked her identity to get work at CTU. But how can that be? CTU is some state-of-the-art bleeding-edge tech-savvy citadel, right? Not quite. If you've got a celluloid strip and a bag of grapes CTU is about as hard to get into as early lineups of The Fall. 24 Season 8 Mid-Season Report

Pacific

Sky Movies

Intended as a companion piece to Band of Brothers, that other high-impact Hanks/Spielberg collaboration, HBO's Pacific began its reign of terror this week. You may think that we don't need another expensive war drama. Well that, in the words of Calamity Jane, shows what the fuck you know and what the fuck you paying attention to. Every culture has its war stories so why should America be any different? They serve as catharsis, tribute and timely reminder that, in our very recent past, 100 million people's shit got retarded and the planet almost fell to real life supervillains and a darkness that would last a thousand years. And while some rat fucks cheered them on, others stood tall. This is their story. Pacific

Spartacus: Blood and Sand

Starz

Those Romans I tell you - they were just like us. As were the Greeks, the Thracians, the Pelasgians and, yes, the Trojans. They danced, they fought, they fucked - my God did they fuck? And Spartacus: Blood and Sand has taken the bold editorial decision to fearlessly depict as much sex as possible in the name of ~~buttressing a hopelessly weak story~~ historical accuracy. Antiquity was all that and swearing and violence too. Essentially, everything you can only express fully on subscription cable channels. What else can you do if you're a movie network looking to expand your original programming base but tell it exactly how it was, in your honest sweary, shaggy opinion? Spartacus: Blood and Sand

Only Yesterday - The Carpenters' Story

BBC Four

You get some bitching music documentaries on Four and this retelling of the Carpenters' story was another one in the can. While Richard was the master producer and instrumentalist, the story is always going to be the tragedy of Karen Carpenter. The boniest of boneypies, Karen Carpenter went through life like a startled fawn. Hiding her tiny frame behind those big drums where nobody could see her, it was only a matter of time before her one-in-a-million voice ("like a piece of silk" - Dionne Warwick) removed that percussive shield and exposed her to the world. Was she ready? She was born not ready. Only Yesterday - The Carpenters' Story

Undercover Princesses

BBC Three

A sense of entitlement will fuck you up in life. Lots of people are miserable when they could very easily be happy just being read the reality check riot act and then told to STFU. Nobody does that to princesses though, unless they are Undercover Princesses on your actual BBC Three. They've got three very different princesses from around the world to come and live together in Essex to find their life partners. "Where better to find love in just three weeks?" asks the voiceover. Ah, I got nothing. Undercover Princesses

Pineapple Dance Studios

Sky One

First, when there's nothing... but a slow glowing dream that your fear seems to hide deep inside your mind. Then you realise that Sky will never produce any decent original programming and your dream dies like a television presenter masturbating himself to death over a freeze frame of Holly Willoughby. Instead, we get to see how they really get down at the Pineapple Dance Studios. You know - the Pineapple Dance Studios, the world-famous, legendary, groundbreaking mecca of dance? No? Well it's about to get a whole lot MORE legendary so peep it. Pineapple Dance Studios

Come Dine With Me

Channel 4

By now, it's a cosily familiar format. Come Dine With Me takes five dipshit stupid food buffs, has them throw dinner parties where they say dipshit stupid things, play silly parlour games then privately give each other marks out of 10. The winner gets a crisp £1000 note to them to donate to their favourite charity (themselves). A snarky voiceover encourages us to laugh along with the absurdity and boy don't we love it? Come Dine With Me

Tower Block of Commons

Channel 4

I'm inclined to distrust programmes like this. I like politicians and "people" nause me the fuck out so when I see a show that shows plebs shouting at MPs about how they don't understand real people I switch channels quicker than Billy Cudrup switches the woman carrying his child for a younger model, the sick piece of shit. But yeah, Tower Block of Commons ¹ is here, it's queer² so we'd better get used to it. Tower Block of Commons

Cutting Edge: My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding

Channel 4

Being a maverick ungovernable black Irish bastard Aerial Telly is no stranger to the travelling people and he would like to say a big "Hello" to his many friends and associates in that particular community. Unfortunately, none of them can read so that would be a big fucking waste of time. Yet he sends his best wishes in their general direction anyway and welcomes Channel 4's documenting of one of society's strangest events: the gypsy wedding. My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, if you're asking. My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding

Sherlock Holmes

Guy Ritchie

Guy Ritchie gets a bad press and most of it's unfair. Listen to some people on the enigmatic class tourist and you'll believe he's the worst thing to happen to culture since house music or Kathy Lette but he demonstrates great flair as a director, crafts exciting twisting screenplays, writes terrific dialogue and has made two good films which is two more than most humps so people need to recognize game. When it was announced he was directing this, Sherlock Holmes bores everywhere screamed in horror no doubt anticipating Jason Statham starring and their hero reinvented as a lairy geezer, toting shooters and rolling over casinos. It's not quite like that. Sherlock Holmes

Love skunk Vernon Kay sprays his rat jism in the general direction of Skank Central. Misses.

Those freaks was right when they said you was dead

Many, many men want to live the glamorous poonhound lifestyle of Aerial Telly yet how many have the intestinal fortitude? How many can take on board that it actually requires more temperance, more discipline, more diligence than a regular "life" style? They want to "be" the "man" but can they make the sacrifices necessary for this act of social magick to occur? The feck they can. For that reason Vernon Kay will spend tonight alone in the spare room,his bare feet sticking incongruously over the edge of his single bed, eating cold macaroni cheese straight from the tin with one hand, comfort masturbating with the other, crying like a girl guide, periodically scrubbing himself with bleach, howling "why???? why????" Love skunk Vernon Kay sprays his rat jism

Lost Season 6 Premiere

Sky One

Ah, you wouldn't want to be a Lost recapper, fella. 'Tis a thankless task. Even when you remember things correctly they won't necessarily make any sense. Even when they make sense they are subject to change, compromise, alteration or obliteration. Only Battlestar Galactica matches it for fake-outs, U-turns and general loopiness and Lost is about to go the same way as the sci-fi franchise as this is the sixth and final season. The events that have propelled us here are ludicrously complex and could hardly be distilled into a mere 10 minutes but it's been the kind of ride you go on in a secret level of Grand Theft Auto - illegal, addictive, sulphate fuelled, life affirming, distressing - loose ends, dead strippers and screaming pedestrians litter the landscape. It's what TV was made for. Lost Season 6 Premiere

Mesrine

Jean-François Richet

If you're going to watch a four-hour two-part biopic of a French scrote you've never heard of, he'd better have lived a hell of a life. Happily, Jacques Mesrine's rampage through the French underworld qualifies and Richet's films actually do well to fit in the sheer volume of crazy bastard things he did and do justice to the depth of his delusion, the breadth of his audacity and the scale of his genius. The story often seems to strain credulity but the majority of the plot is documented fact. This is a man who lived his life like he was in a movie. I thank Christ the movie wasn't Clubbed. Mesrine

The Persuasionists

BBC2

You want to know the really terrifying thing about The Persuasionists? They knew. Every one of them. Daisy Haggard did Psychoville, Green Wing and Man Stroke Woman. Adam Buxton - he did The Adam and Joe show. He's funny. Simon Farnaby worked with Chris Morris. Iain Lee, um, introduced Sacha Baron Cohen. Co -producers Iain Morris and Damon Beesley wrote The Inbetweeners. And, ignoring his joyless, pious Twitter feed, script editor Andrew Collins is a really good writer. They know the difference. Can you imagine them waiting for this to go public? The shame, the fear, the self-loathing? Dragging this career time bomb along with them for all those months? And you think the Haiti footage is harrowing? The Persuasionists

Celebrity Big Brother 2010 - Vinnie Jones can drink mare's piss

Solicitor? Get tae fuck

Bullyboy thug, man-of-the-people shitbird fraud, nose biting suicide contemplating one trick pit pony Vinnie Jones spent the first two weeks of Celebrity Big Brother being the surly, menacing, unpleasant twunt you always knew he would be - picking on poor old Alex Reid's insecurities, giving it the wise man of Hollywood bit and using the kitchen as his own personal fiefdom. This, combined with his homespun charm and winning grin¹ , eased him into favourite in the betting. So far so blehh. But this week the lovable rogue mask slipped and revealed an exposed arse, leaving him looking rather like the Vibrating Bum-Faced Goats from Viz. Vinnie Jones can drink mare's piss

Aerial Telly on Kerrang Radio

The Wireless

As you would expect for a man of his calibre, Aerial Telly has taken to the medium of radio like Billy Cudrup took to fucking over his pregnant girlfriend - devastatingly, effortlessly and without so much as a "good luck with the labour". He is now a regular feature on Loz Guest's Wednesday night show and tonight will be talking about TV dating shows, in particular Take Me Out and Rock of Love with Bret Michaels. This will take place sometime between 11 and 12. Don't miss this fabulous opportunity to hear the only man your girl comes for. Aerial Telly on Kerrang Radio

24 Season 8

Fox

I still look forward to a new season of 24. What will those crazy bastards throw at us this time? A slippery careerist by-the-book Director of CTU? Check (Mykelti Williamson as Brian Hastings). Jack and Chloe going rogue following a lead by-the-book Director didn't take seriously? Check. Peace accord reaching President in peril? Check (Anil Kapoor, last seen playing evil quiz show host Prem Kapur in Slumdog Millionaire, as Durkadurkastan President Omar Hassan). Jack tied up and tortured? Check (this time by Herc from The Wire, the Western district way, after an amusing misunderstanding about a murdered cop). CTU may be in New York now but the more things change, the more they stay the same. 24 Season 8

Take Me Out

ITV

It's tempting to dismiss ITV's Saturday night dating show Take Me Out as shallow, cruel and stupid - it doesn't go out of its way to inoculate itself against any of those charges. Similar in concept to the 1990s fright night spectacular Man O Man, a man descends like the Son of Man in a lift to be scrutinised by 30 gorgeous girls who each stand in front of a light. The moment they lose interest in dating a man, the girls switch off their lights, an event accompanied by a space invader sound effect. It's a visual gauge of how badly he's fucking up. It's speed dating...TO THE EXTREME(ly derivative and exploitative). Take Me Out

Celebrity Big Brother 2010 first eviction, second eviction

Channel 4

In Big Brother the woman always gets it first. Sada, Penny, Lynne, Anouska, Vanessa, Mary, Bonnie, Shabnam, Sophia - like those other great feminist martyrs Sylvia Plath, Emmeline Pankhurst and Joss Stone they lined up to face a firing squad of crazy bitches. Their tormentors stood cackling, armed with mobile phones, "FUCK YOU" in their eyes and their eviction numbers on redial. In 10 series of Big Brother not once have the female voters dispatched a man first so it was no surprise when in the final Celebrity Big Brother they first got rid of Katia "Monkeyfucker" Ivanova and then quickly followed her up with Heidi "eyebrow plucker" Fleiss. There's something we forgot to say to you: sisters are doing it to themselves. Celebrity Big Brother 2010 first eviction

Aerial Telly on Kerrang Radio

The Wireless

Aerial Telly employs three work experience girls who spend their days blocking, rerouting and denying the many requests he receives to appear on this show or that show, cameo in some movie, be arm candy for some starlet's film premiere - it never ends. In an unusual move, he has granted one of those requests to his drinking buddy Loz Guest on his show tonight (Wednesday) on Kerrang Radio 105.2 from 10pm. Tune in and listen, shitmonkeys - you might learn something. Aerial Telly on Kerrang Radio

E-mail of the weak

From that guy off X Factor

Aerial Telly remains a staunch supporter of X Factor and was thrilled to be contacted by the show's 2004 champion Steve Brookstein who Aerial Telly may possibly have lightheartedly referred to as a cheeseball at some point.

Steve Brookstein to thecoldgun@gmail.com date 12 January 2010 14:31

subject Steve Brookstein

Hi James I stumbled across you website and noticed you slagging me off. Please check out eileenhunter.co.uk she has just signed to JazzFM. I co-write and produced the album which is set for release later this year. I value your opinion as you seem to know so much about everything.

Best wishes

Steve Brookstein

Well...

Aerial Telly responds:

Sounds like that broad can sing, Steve - good for you.

As for you, I'd have gone with those G4 freaks in the 2004 final myself but who listens to me?

Regards

FYI, everybody of consequence listens to Aerial Telly. More mailbag filth