Channel 4 As we enter the finale Hot Jess is tending to a critical Arby in an abandoned hospital wing. He’s strung up to more monitors than a girlfriend of Oscar Pistorius who says “Hey Stumpy – hand me my fucking jeans will you? I’m off down the club to see if I can get... Read More
BBC Two Disgusting tubs of shit disgracing themselves on bikes is a growing trend and looking to exploit this for monetary gain are Richard and Lynn Bye with their Fat Lad at the Back (FLAB) cycling clothing brand for hogs. Smelly Ploppen questions the need for such a range. Don’t doughboys just buy bigger sizes?... Read More
Sundance Not for the first time in his life Killer Dan wakes up having committed a violent attack on another human being. Miraculously Trey made it out alive but the post-pill comedown is heavy for both of them. Dan leaves a note for George apologising for fucking up the wall. “I’m over here in the... Read More
BBC Two It’s taken her 9 years, millions of pounds and a lot of heartache but Nessa finally tracks down the one man in Kensington she hasn’t fucked. She gets to fucking with him sharpish. “Don’t you want to warm me up a bit first?” she asks as they make out. “Maybe I want you... Read More
Channel 4 Hot Jessica drags That Ginger Gash out of Dugdale‘s gaffe by her skanky red mane and marches out to find her pops Dead Philip Carvel. A photo with Jessica’s gun to her head draws Wilson‘s attention away from LOLcats for 30 seconds and a resolve immediately grows in him to get back the... Read More
BBC Two As we begin Bollywood dancers usher in serial killer entrepreneur Tej Randeva. He has some kind of nervous breakdown while pitching his fledgeling engine fast-food concept Spice 2 Go and the signs look bleak from the off. Currently our boy has two Indian takeouts in Wales – both running at a loss –... Read More
BBC Two It looks like Clown College is back from summer recess early as Tom Harrington begins his pitch by struggling to exit a lift for 45 minutes stymied by his estate agent board and his general lack of coordination. “Fucking Mister Bean over here” says Devourer Medung when he finally enters puffing and blowing... Read More
BBC Two Like an unstoppable runaway train with no driver, no passengers on a cargo of 17 metric tons of shit doing laps of a circular track Dragons’ Den is back. First up is banker turned swing dancer Scott Cupit. Swing dancing cocksmokers Lindy Hop their way into the Den busting moves aplenty to introduce... Read More
Sundance After a night tripping balls hallucinating Trey and George, Killer Dan sets off to see Trey in the flesh. He wants to tell Trey that there are no hard feelings and he does it by saying “no hard feelings” to him – an on-the-nose declaration that seems to do the trick. Dan asks after... Read More
BBC Two Over in the Durka shitpit she landed herself in all those years ago Nessa worries that a third trimester Hasbeen may viciously kill her in childbirth just like she did her mother. Atika tells her to stop moaning like a little bitch – good advice, well heeded. In the end Nessa opts for... Read More
Channel 4 As we begin some American salt receives a phone call, pops out for a drive then murder-suicides his family. Nothing unusual about that you might think. The death cult called the United States of America sees about 1400 of these a day and bats less of an eyelid than Lesley Gash when Lee... Read More
Sundance Rectify is one of those shows that asks a great deal of its viewers and this week they ask us to believe that an innocent milf spent the night with Killer Dan and survived. I dunno, man. I was right behind the Giant in Twin Peaks but this? Just unlikely. On his way home... Read More
BBC Two We begin back in the 8 years ago timeline and Ephra‘s pretend girl child “Judith” is getting his cock chopped off in a disgusting mediaeval ceremony that celebrates Woody Allen’s exoneration on kiddy fiddling, Ronnie Rosenthal’s career at Liverpool and the senseless killing of Christ. That nause Shlomo Zahary leads the celebrations. Mary... Read More
Channel 4 It’s been an entire week since a senseless, cruel but engagingly comic death on our screens and Utopia quickly rights that wrong. Dead Lee visits Ian‘s boss, cuts his throat, watches him turkey lurch around the office for a while then brains him with a fire extinguisher. On the subject of that tongue... Read More
Sundance You don’t get much good news on Rectify but this week everybody gets a boost. As Dan and Janet get to work on their recently blitzed kitchen news comes through that Rutherford Gaines Dan’s shitty original lawyer, Georgia’s answer to Barry Zuckerkorn, is dead as a Paulie cheerleader. Cancer got the old piece of... Read More
BBC Two We begin as we always must with that “who do you trust?” monologue that infects the start of each The Honourable Woman. A bona fide nause célèbre it highlights that big problem with Hugo Blick. He’s either mired in pretentious opacity or clubbing you round the head screaming “BETRAYAL IS A KEY THEMATIC... Read More
Channel 4 Why after all that 70s revivalism last night it’s something of a relief to get back to the present day, a place where you know where you stand. In Jessica‘s case that’s being tortured up in Casa Milner for 5 months by Network mopes looking to find out the adjustment her father made... Read More
Channel 4 You’ll remember last year’s Utopia. A group of committed scientists, businessmen and politicians try to get population under control and have their plans foiled by devious comic book bores. It was a harem scarem ride right enough but how exactly did it all start? That’s the question series two’s first episode aims to... Read More
Sundance It’s a sunny day and he’s a free man so Killer Dan‘s off to Atlanta: home of the Falcons, Andre 3000 and his fellow serial killer Wayne Williams. He Rain Mans his way across town, dodging hipsters, police sirens and trolling tour guides. In the art gallery he meets an old broad called Peggy... Read More
BBC Two In the first episode of The Honourable Woman we discovered that Nessa Stein killed her parents quicker than Jeremy Bamber and that there wasn’t shit anyone could do about it. But now we flashback to 8 years ago to 2006 – a happier time. Nessa and Atika are captive in a Durka shitbox... Read More
Sundance The big event of the week is Daniel watching as a tree loses a limb like a Def Leppard drummer. It’s not hard to see where Rectify falls on the art versus action spectrum. He’s cleaning windows and acting like more of a tard than usual. His freaky behaviour prompts Amantha to force-feed him... Read More
BBC1 If you were wondering what that scally Jimmy McGovern has been up to then wonder no longer. He’s been writing about the rightfully convicted English working class and the result is Common (or Common: Feel the Noise to give it its working title). It should be the best night of Johnjo O’Shea‘s (Nico Mirallegro)... Read More
Sundance I’ll tell you motherfuckers this much: Killer Dan is spinning out this near fatal brain injury for all it’s worth. Sleep, sleep, sleep is all he does. I’ll tell you who’s a livewire though. Ted Junior. He’s seen the future of the tire business and it’s in rim rental. He evangelises to Ted senior... Read More
BBC Two Many of you cockmouths will remember Hugo Blick from the lauded but laughable The Shadow Line, a show that needed a slap more often than ITV’s World Cup co-commentator Clarke Carlisle. Well now he’s back with espionage 8 parter The Honourable Woman. Say hello to Nessa Stein (Maggie Gyllenhaal) – 9 years old... Read More
Netflix Contrary to popular belief there are no rest days in prison and in the immediate aftermath of Red’s slocking moves to frame an innocent party are quickly underway. Vee tells Watson and Other Tub to pin the Red beating on Crazy Eyes, her most loyal soldier. Crazy Eyes tells her she never done it... Read More
Sundance When we left girlfriend killing piece of shit Daniel Holden he was deservedly in the middle of the kind of melon twisting skinhead boot party the LA police put on swimming lesson truant Rodney King from Bobby Dean, the brother of the girl he killed, and his crew of flunkies. Killer Dan is now... Read More
Netflix Hurricane Wanda’s symbolic wrath has struck and the prison’s getting flooded AND NOT JUST WITH WATER. But mainly with water. Joel, Nicky and Chapman go down to the basement and discover vital pumps with empty fuel tanks. That’s the thing about embezzlement. It’s all fun and games until a natural disaster strikes and then... Read More
Netflix Hey guys remember that hunger strike nobody, not even the participants, gave two shits about? No? You might want to fast forward through this then. Sister Ingalls flashback! As an idealistic novice nun she takes herself and her hymen to a few protests and frets that she doesn’t clearly hear the voice of God.... Read More
In a nutshell: Stands by her man strumpet Abi Titmuss “accidentally” lets her private bongo vid into the public domain The 411: I found this a fascinating piece of work dogged by thematic inconsistencies. On one hand the exploration of inter-racial relationships nods towards Lee’s Jungle Fever and on the other it offers a dissection... Read More
RTÉ One It’s an ill wind that blows no good and Sarah is using her missing/dead daughter as an excuse to engage in reckless casual sex. She first of all heartlessly sticks it to Ben and then hooks up with some other dude called Mark (Ronan Leahy). A heartbroken Ben throws himself into the world of... Read More
Netflix As we begin, a naked Chapman is in bed whooping and hollering like an early Hollywood depiction of a Native American. What could be causing her delight? Why it’s Alex Nause slowly retrieving her sizeable head that’s all swollen and innocent from Piper’s privileged blonde snatch. Alex and Piper flashback! The depiction of the early... Read More
BBC3 With its Ronseal Quick Drying Wood Stain title Murdered By My Boyfriend sets its stall out early. Yes, it’s about some broad getting offed by her lover. I say “lover” but the only thing he “loves” is punching her right in the fanny. Say hello to Ashley (Georgina Campbell), the broad in question. 17, beautiful... Read More
Netflix Pornstache is readjusting well to prison life on his return. “Mendez is back bitches” he announces, dishing out shots like Oscar Pistorius dishes out shots to one of his girlfriends who tells him “Hey Stumpy! That guy I fucked last weekend has just text. Isn’t that wild?” The new broom sweeping forces Peg Leg... Read More
Netflix Somewhat hot when she was young chemo tub Rosa flashback! Back in the day Rosa was a piece of shit bank robber whose piece of shit bank robber borefriend got plugged on the job because she kissed and cursed him. Later she moves on to fucking his friend to death. Her hopeless addition to... Read More