BBC Two
Disgusting tubs of shit disgracing themselves on bikes is a growing trend and looking to exploit this for monetary gain are Richard and Lynn Bye with their Fat Lad at the Back (FLAB) cycling clothing brand for hogs. Smelly Ploppen questions the need for such a range. Don’t doughboys just buy bigger sizes? Devourer Medung then points out that the name is “a little bit too closely descriptive” of the kind of foodbags they’re trying to attract. She’s right. I mean BanterLads will love the hilarious name but it’s a bit too niche to make the kind of killing the Dragons demand so they send Rich and Lynn packing with a smack to the chops.
CBeebies star Tracy Beaker is up next. Having escaped from the care home she now holds the exclusive distribution rights for the UK and Europe for Stick Um. But just what is Stick Bum? It’s a peel and stick product employing nano suction technology for strong, no muss no fuss hooks in the kitchen, garden and garage. Bearing loads of up to 5 kilos it could easily hang a girlfriend of Alex Turner‘s. It’s a neat piece of kit.
Bearing loads of up to 5 kilos it could easily hang a girlfriend of Alex Turner’s.
Devourer scans the cuntract she has with the Yank manufacturers and discovers that they can sell Tracy into white slavery whenever they want and this gives her pause. Big paws. Beaker pledges to negotiate a new and everlasting covenant with the great Satan and this prompts Jock McSlasher to offer £60,000 for 35% of the operation. At the last minute Devourer brilliantly overcuts demanding 40% for £100 but Beaker sensibly ignores the maniac and goes with Jock.
A shitty glorified shuttlecock, umbrella drinks holder and flashing walking stick are summarily dismissed as the lackwit time wasters they clearly are and the Dragons are starting to lose patience.
But who’s this young pie coming through the lift doors? It’s Harriot Pleydell-Bouverie flogging her upmarket marshmallows Mallow and Marsh. They are stinky, expensive and enjoyed by rich arseholes so the potential is as clear as the danger a girlfriend of Oscar Pistorius is in when she says “Hey Stumpy – my fuckbuddy’s coming over in 10. Hop the fuck out will you?”
Devourer offers £65,000 for 33.3% of the cuntpany and in a flash Peeturd offers £80,000 for 40%. Harryrot Play-Doh Blewvery is ecstatic and has to go to the back of the room to contemplate which of these brilliant offers to take up. “Guys?” she says upon her return “I’ve just realised that I’m really hot? And rich? With, like, tons of rich friends who want to invest? So I’m probably not gonna take up either of your offers? Does that makes sense?”
“The sugar’s gone to your brain” says Peter curtly as Devourer facepalms into infinity. “Awesome!” squeals Harryrot and she skips gaily out of the Den and out into the street where she tosses marshmallows to the gawping peasants. Time to call it a day.
The verdict: Bicycle plump.
Marks out of 10: 7.5
