BBC Two

In the first episode of The Honourable Woman we discovered that Nessa Stein killed her parents quicker than Jeremy Bamber and that there wasn’t shit anyone could do about it. But now we flashback to 8 years ago to 2006 – a happier time. Nessa and Atika are captive in a Durka shitbox listening to the screams of tortured prisoners. It’s good to have a change of scenery but even a sociopath like Nessa will admit she’s had better holidays. Say, isn’t Kasim about 8 years old? Is he going to end up being the child of some Durka rapist guard? Hasbeen could just as easily be some kid Nessa snatched off the street. That bitch is crazy, yo.

Because having led one bodyguard to his near death Nessa is busy fucking the new one into a coma. It’s progressing well but her dirty talk needs some polishing. “Who do you work for?” she asks huskily. A real bodyguard would never knock the back out of his new employer she reasons. Hey, it worked for Myleene Klass. So who is it: MI6? MI5? DFS? Eventually she guesses correctly that he’s working for Hayden-Hoyle. He is happy because he’s learnt she’s “easy with your body” which is exactly the kind of slut shaming that got Princess Diana killed.

You might imagine her son’s abduction would be getting Atika down but she’s not having any of it. It has given her the perfect opportunity to hoover his room for the first time in ages. “That little shit left it in a right state” she tells Ephra and he’s not minded to disagree.

A real bodyguard would never knock the back out of his new employer she reasons. Hey, it worked for Myleene Klass.

Over at the hospital the Durka driver wakes up and a friendly Durka nurse hands him a phone with a message in the mailbox. “Listen to it and delete it” she tells him. He does. We don’t get to hear it but it’s along the lines of “kill yourself you stupid bastard” which he dutifully does before he can be questioned. Homie was ex-intelligence as was the other dead cunt and trying to untangle this mess my friends¹ will leave you a proper Mister Confused.

You wouldn’t be the only one. Ephra’s wife Rachel is imagining armed men urinating in her cloakroom but she’s clearly hysterical due to her pregnancy so we can disregard everything she says. If Durkas kidnap this broad they’ll get a note back saying “keep her”. Later they both go to some function or other where a crazed Heeb throws a raspberry pudding on their table screaming “Samaria belongs to Israel!” and other irresponsible anti-Haji hate speech. Ephra takes it in his stride but the missus is pretty pissed about it. She’s heard some cock and balls story that the Durkas were really after one of her kids to get to Nessa and that they were never after Hasbeen at all. Her ability to make it all about her is quite stunning. Round of applause for that.

In Hayden-Hoyle’s world some FBI agent of the name Tracy Vornan rolls up pretending to be Samir Kikekiller‘s non-existent mistress. Old Hayden-Hoyle’s a bit too savvy to fall for her flimsy back story and his rumbling of her winds up with her catching a bullet in the brain from a fake Yank London cabbie who himself gets popped by his mysterious chick paymaster. I’m not exactly sure why but I reckon referring to her as “Mary Poppins” contributed significantly.

Post raspberry pudding-gate Ephra has arrived at the conclusion that telling the police about Nessa and Atika’s abduction 8 years ago might somehow help them find the kid. Atika’s all “eff that, son” on the idea though. She’s having the time of her life without the brat and forces Ephra to promise not to reveal their secret. By way of reward she fucks the living shit out of him on the kitchen table as his nausey wife sleeps upstairs. Looks like Hasbeen could be calling another man daddy in the unlikely event of him returning alive.

Hasbeen better get used to prison food, daily beatings and praying 5 times a day. We’re seeing Glenn Miller’s safe return before we see that shithead again.

Nessa meanwhile is at some shitty function telling that shitty aliens in the Middle East joke and thank Christ the kidnappers choose that moment to phone her and start threatening to reveal her guilty secret. They’ve left a package in reception for her – that shitty watch with a shitty message from Hasbeen telling her he’s safe. She rings Atika who says “Hey bitch, guess whose brother I just fucked?” Nessa tells her her boy is still alive and she’s all “whatever”. Hasbeen better get used to prison food, daily beatings and praying 5 times a day. We’re seeing Glenn Miller‘s safe return before we see that shithead again.

This is shaping up well enough but Hugo Blick‘s signature shit dialogue is back with a vengeance in this one. Lines like “So the long arm of the law has just come up short” and “She caught you with your pants down. Literally” are spoken by real human actors who plainly would rather not be speaking them. His visual and narrative flair can’t disguise the fact that the boy has got cloth ears when it comes to speech and it looks to be an enduring problem. Gyllenhaal‘s doing great though and I’m still on board. For now.

The verdict: The aliens joke could do with some work. Notably, a punchline.

Marks out of 10: 7

¹ Eat 7-day-old kangaroo shit, sputum. You are not Aerial Telly’s “friends”.