BBC1

So far on The Secrets we’ve had animal abuse, matricide, rape, incest and now we’ve got Anna from Clownton Abbey. Or possibly Daisy – I can never tell those two shitheads apart. Anyway, you know the drill by now. Lexi (Joanne Froggatt) enjoys a perfect life with husbland Phil (Ben Chaplin) and their daughturd Becca (Chris from Homeland). He’s away a lot because of work but you count your blessings don’t you? Then one day there’s a phone call from the doctor’s surgery. Something about their son Freddie. Funny thing is Joanne doesn’t remember birthing a son of any kind never mind one with a ridiculous name like Freddie. What a gwan in a area?

She follows Phil the next day to a domestic address which he has keys to. Anna (or is it Daisy?) drops in later that week and discover that the other woman is a counsellor Zara (Emilia Fox) who runs her practice from the address and that Phil’s banging her longtime. And that Freddie kid? Totally theirs.

Daisy feels that she could do with a counsellor so she hires Zara on the spot. She holds back on the specific of her husbland’s affair though. “This mistress lady sounds a proper bitch!” Zara laughs. “She really is” agrees Daisy “Needs to dress her age too”.

“This mistress lady sounds a proper bitch!” Zara laughs. “She really is” agrees Daisy. “Needs to dress her age too”.

Inevitably it all unravels once Daisy tries to microwave baby Freddie. When Sarah boots her out she goes home to confront her husbland. She yells “What is this? Bigamy??” “It’s big of anyone, really” he says, unable to resist the punchline. It’s been tough on Phil juggling two wives, two lives, two sets of kitchen knives and he’s a right stuttering prick trying to explain it all.

Once the dust settles the ménage a twat meet up for a pow-wow. They agree it’s all about what Phil wants. After all, he’s the victim here. Zara is all “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it”. Remember, she advises people on dysfunctional relationships for a living. Great work, shithead.

“This is bullshit” says Anna/Daisy which is the first sensible thing she’s said in a while and she exits to find a counsellor who isn’t fucking her husbland.

“What. A. Bitch” says Zara. Phil nods with a sad smile then places his head in her lap. “There, there” she coos “Mommy make it better”.

These people.

The verdict: Hey counsellor? Counsel this.

Marks out of 10: 7