BBC1

Plop greenhorn writing talent with Premier League acting chops and what do you got? You got The Secrets – BBC’s new strand of 30 minute secret themed dramas. In tonight’s outing The Dilemma we meet pregnant vet Pippa (Olivia Colman). Happily entangled to bearded salt Shaun (Steve Oram the dude from Sightseers) Pippa’s life seems on the up-and-up. Closer inspection reveals that she has a mam who sounds a bit Welsh. Worse still she’s riddled with cancer and is begging Pippa to kill her before the whole slow agonising death thing gets a bit old.

Angela (Alison Steadman) is the woman who brought Pippa into the world and now wants her to return the favour in reverse. Pippa prefers the palliative care option which is weird because nothing gives her more pleasure than murdering animals with fuck all wrong with them. A perfectly healthy cat comes into her practice in a collar and leaves in a box, stiffer than a performance from Michelle Dockery on Clownton Abbey. She’s the Doctor Shipman of animals. Her syringe has seen more action than Peaches Geldof‘s.

Pippa and husbland try to fob Angela off with cannabis and James Taylor but it just won’t do the trick. It becomes obvious that Pippa is going to have to off the bitch herself which is a right pain in the balls. Husbland gives her grief too – just her luck to be married to the only man breathing who wants to keep his mother-in-law alive.

But fuck him basically. Grotesque genetic trash ginger bearded prole. Angela necks the cat killing poison with a Red Bull and the old sow is dead in no time. The police believe the bullshit dog-ate-my-homework story Pippa feeds them like the gullible rubes they are. Pippa and husbland get the house and a huge pile of cash. It’s a great feelgood tale for a Sunday night. More of this please BBC.

The verdict:  Killing in the name of.

Marks out of 10: 7