ITV
Breathless completes its run tonight and it feels like one of the more pointless excursions ITV has taken us on. Dr Mehta drops Charlie in it by blabbing about the Saint Alban’s appointment in front of fat nausey wife. FNW is a ball of fury as a result and in her rage spills about Elizabeth and Mulligan. We finally get to hear about Cyprus – the story we never gave a fuck about in the first place. Charlie and Otto were out with the then sexually attractive Elizabeth celebrating her engagement to Americunt airman Glenn Thorpe. Pissed as cunts they were and when Otto drove them home he arse ended the jeep leaving Glenn Thorpe with snapped C1 and C2 vertebrae, as dead as one of the hundreds of aborted foetus Otto would later slaughter, laughing heartily.
Mulligan comes into the story when he investigates and is successfully bribed by Otto. They would have gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for Mulligan following Otto home and immediately getting cuntstruck by Elizabeth. Christ he really is the world’s shittest villain.
The completely unsurprising news is that the weird Bullingdon Club kid Otto’s been calling his son all these years is Thorpe’s. Homeboy will soon have company too as Rachel is pregnant with Mulligan’s child. It’s OK though because her husband has killed more babies than Idi Amin – he’ll terminate it for free and for fun. Strange as it may seem in this world where everyone is so keen to murder children Rachel wants to wants to keep the baby, see the pregnancy to term and pretend it’s theirs. So Miles will be raising the child of the man he killed and the child of his wife’s rapist. This life!
Rachel is pregnant with Mulligan’s child. It’s OK though because her husband has killed more babies than Idi Amin
In a heartbreakingly tedious denouement Mulligan holds Rachel and Miles at gunpoint. It’s unbearably tense if you manage to stay awake through it. The Powells manage to talk Mulligan down and he’s just about to put his revolver away when Charlie leaps out from the trees and Dexters him in the neck with concentrate of botulism and Walking Dead pig AIDS. There ain’t no cure for what he’s got and he dies like a little bitch in front of them. Charlie’s death tally for the series now stands at 345 (342 babies). Rachel and Miles are all “dude, we were handling that” but Charlie gives no eff because he’s a killer from the old school (specifically Westminster).
So all that’s left is for Otto to keep his date with Angela so he can tell her about his sham marriage and they can fuck like the Amish during Rumspringa. But just as Angela waits patiently for the arrival of the owner of her heart who should walk in but her husbland Sailor Joe and, get this, the Sheriff is near. That’s right. He’s black. What they think this is – Clownton Abbey?
Otto meets with Angela so he can tell her about his sham marriage and they can fuck like the Amish during Rumspringa.
Otto peers at them through the window together and knows the indisputable truth: once you go black you don’t go back. He immediately leaves to join the National Front. Who could blame him? It’s not like this tub of shit is going to get a second series.
The verdict: And exhale.
Marks out of 10: 5
