ITV

Previously on Breathless: Rachel cheated on Miles with Jorah Mormont from Game of Thrones. That old broad Richard has been banging comes in for exploratory surgery to see exactly how fucked she is. After digging around in her giblets for a bit it becomes clear that the answer is very. Richard assists Miles in the surgery but gets all hysterical prompting the chief surgeon to slap him repeatedly in the face screaming “stop acting like a bitch!” It’s undignified. Dick’s apparently still sharing a bed with shit Joan so I’m not sure what that breakup last week was about. He’s got shocking taste in women.

For all his faults you can’t say that about Miles. Take lovely Rachel. Mulligan would certainly like to. He buttonholes her and shows her the files on the killing the twin doctors of death Miles and Charles did to the American airman in Cyprus. He reneged on the straight deal they made – her pussy for the evidence which will hopefully make it all the more easy to kill him as he’s clearly not dealing from a full deck.

A shitty day is rounded off for Rachel when she runs into Miles and Angela holding hands. That’s awkward. Miles is pissed because she was totally about to give it up after being Little Miss Cocktease for the past month. Stupid cockblocking Rachel.

Later Miles reveals to Angela that he’s never even kissed Mrs Palmer, despite them having a son and all. He can’t say any more though. It’s obviously related to Cairo and all that and it looks like that weird little Nigel Molesworth kid isn’t his real son so at least he’s got that to be grateful for.

There’s nothing breathless about Breathless. There’s nothing much of anything about it. Ser Jorah is a laughable villain, Angela could barely be more anonymous and Rachel and Miles look like they wish they were somewhere else, perhaps with Blandrew Stinkin on The Walking Dead. No doubt it didn’t want be thought of as the British Mad Men and in that at least it is successful.

The verdict: Cyprus Hell.

Marks out of 10: 5