ITV
Previously on Clownton: Rose went black and never looked back and Edith something something with a bloke who – I don’t know, was it Germany or something? We begin with Robert spitting feathers at the prospect of having to go to America to figuratively bail out Cora‘s shitheel brother. Of course this means Mister Bates will have to go along to wash his Lordship’s balls, leaving Anna all alone after that beastly business with Dennis Rapeman. Once Monster Mash Mary is apprised of the situation by Mrs Thomas though she persuades Grantham to take Gay Thomas instead. About time that sour faced skank did somebody a good turn.
Rose went black and never looked back and Edith something something with a bloke who – I don’t know, was it Germany or something?
Perhaps it’s because the first embers of an unlikely (completed predictable) love affair with Napier‘s Mister Blake are stirring. He thinks her aloof. She thinks him a twat. It’s Mister Darcy and Elizabeth all over again. When they go together to check on the new consignment of Black and Tan pigs a porcine crisis forces them to work together and Lady Mary literally mucks in.
“Aloof am I?” her enigmatic smile seems to say as they gaze at each other, exhausted and covered in pig shit. She takes him back and does him scrambled eggs. He’d like to scramble her eggs. By which I mean her vagina, with his Johnson as his whisk. “You completely saved our bacon literally” she says. Fuck off, Mary.
She takes him back and does him scrambled eggs. He’d like to scramble her eggs. By which I mean her vagina.
Back among the frumpy people Edith is distraught that Gregson is still missing, particularly as she’s pregnant, unmarried and a charitable 5/10. She goes to London for spot of light baby murder and Rose pops along because she wants black cock again. Mister Ross takes Rose boating. “This must be frightfully different from the slave ship” Rose says and Ross looks at her all “bitch is you crazy?” Edith goes along to the abortion but pulls out at the last minute and I bet she wishes Gregson had done the same.
Edith goes along to the abortion but pulls out at the last minute and I bet she wishes Gregson had done the same.
The real seismic event though is Gillingham showing up bringing along rapey Dennis Rapeman with him. As well as heroically cockblocking Blake and Monster Mash he unwittingly stirs up Anna’s trauma again. At the dinner table Bates hears that Dennis crept downstairs during the performance of opera twat Smellie Melba – right at the moment when Anna…
Oh dear. Looks like Bates might be putting a murder on the turder. Just one episode to go. Who will Mary choose? How many men will Bates kill? Will Gregson ever… do the thing that he… um?
The verdict: Miscegenation for the nation.
Marks out of 10: 7
