BBC1

The Secrets keep coming thick and fast on late-night BBC1. Tonight mixed-race Dean (Anthony Welsh) is approached by a coffee coloured girl complected just like him. Why if it isn’t his sister from exactly the same mister Cassie (Paige Meade). He hasn’t seen her in what seems like a lifetime – ever in fact. She wants a place to stay as their mom and dad are deaded from a fatal car accident which killed the both of them dead. Dean lives with three white folks: adoptive “mom” (Helen Baxendale) and “dad” (Anthony Flanagan) and their shitty biological son Alex (Charlie Rowe). Cassie is made about as welcome as one of Brad Pitt’s black ex-girlfriends round at one of Angelina’s bridge nights.

Inter-race adoption is a complex and sensitive issue and the problem is those white devils don’t understand the bond between two soul siblings like Dean and Cassie. He wants to put his cock in her and she’d quite like that too. That cracka-ass cracker Alex tries to bang her then blames her when she skedaddles. Dean ain’t believing the white man’s lies though. Real recognise real.

And even though it takes a few weeks he eventually discovers that Cassie may not be entirely on the level. After doing some googling he unearths shocking evidence that his biological parents aren’t actually dead after all. It leads to an awkward dining table conversation when he mentions the small anomaly in her tale.

“It’s not what you think” she says.

“I think you made it up” he replies.

“Oh right. Yeah, that – what you said”.

In a scene we don’t see Cassie noshes off both her brothers for 48 hours solid. “This is for you mom and dad!” she screams in the 10 seconds she doesn’t have a cock in her mouth. If that doesn’t bring tears to your eyes nothing will. I think the moral is something about being honest and not killing your parents? We can all get behind that one.

The verdict: Don’t trust Whitey.

Marks out of 10: 7