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Previously on Reign: if you go down to the woods today you’re sure of a dude strung up by his ankles bleeding to death. We begin with Queeny riding Olivia over her apparent inability to get her son to fuck her. “How hard can it be?” Harder than you know, Queeny. Mary meanwhile awakes to a pagan necklace on her pillow and after last week’s threat it’s clear that the dirt worshippers in the woods require their human sacrifice and it’s equally clear that Bashtard is the man who must pay the debt him being the one who keeps on barging into their rituals like a wedding crasher. Stupid bastard (literal).
Bashtard is the man who must pay the debt him being the one who keeps on barging into their rituals like a wedding crasher.
In better news for Bash his mum’s back in town. Kenna doesn’t take the news well. The King assured her that she would usurp Diane as his official mistress and yet here she is bold as brass. The King assures her that he’s friendzoned Diane in a tiny 15 bedroom cottage in the grounds and that she and she alone is the new mistress. Kenna’s heart leaps. He’s still secretly banging Diane of course. What’s this point of being king if you can’t get some side pussy?
The King assures her that he’s friendzoned Diane in a tiny 15 bedroom cottage in the grounds
In addition to her king boffing skills Diane is also a secret former pagan and she’s valuable counsel to Bash as he figures out his difficulties. The savages are ruthless and resourceful, something they prove when they gain access to Mary, drugged and defenceless in her bedroom (this is becoming something of a theme). Instead of taking the opportunity to, say, kill her they put a slaughtered stag’s head on the ceiling over her bed as what I assume is a warning. “Pay your debts Bash! Like NOW if it’s not too much trouble”.
Queeny is bouncing off the walls at this disgraceful violation of her castle and she calls the staff together and threatens to burn their villages to the ground if no one talks before midnight. A serving girl tells her she saw one of the Queen’s guards drenched in arterial spray dragging a stag’s head into Mary’s bedroom but didn’t think anything of it – why would you? Said guard is Robert, the sacrificial redshirt of the episode and he’s made himself top of the menu in the barbecue that follows.
She saw one of the Queen’s guards drenched in arterial spray dragging a stag’s head into Mary’s bedroom but didn’t think anything of it – why would you?
Bash is not one to stand on ceremony (unless it’s a pagan one in which case he’ll stomp all over it which is why he’s in this mess in the first place) so he picks a scrote from the dungeons to sacrifice. Just as he’s stringing him up a pagan arrives to witness the ceremony and Bash realises that as any human sacrifice will do he may as well fuck the savage up and bleed him like a stuck pig – after a brief struggle he does just that. He pushes the scrote off a cliff a bit later for laughs and because he recognises him as the King’s bastard. So much for prison rehabilitating people.
He pushes the scrote off a cliff. So much for prison rehabilitating people.
The pagans are getting everywhere. Mary’s chambermaid turns out be one of the savages as well, something she reveals as she pulls a knife on Mary but she quickly gets fucked up by the guards. The dirt worshippers get tortured, interrogated and burned alive. Happy ending then.
Francis goes and buries his sorrow in Olivia’s vagina. She’s got a happy ending of her own in mind for him.
Perhaps not that happy. Francis announces that he Mary should see other people. Bash is off the fuck list though. No fucking the future king’s bastard brother. Ain’t that a bitch? Francis goes and buries his sorrow in Olivia’s vagina. She’s got a happy ending of her own in mind for him.
The verdict: How to draw no fuck zone for your fiancée in 3 easy steps.
Marks out of 10: 6
