NBC

In last week’s Siberia we left amputee fetishist Daniel and his crew at the site of some kind of Tunguska event. They find the wreckage of the show’s helicopter which is just the latest in a long list of Bad Signs since they got here. They decide to head on towards the beacon which is a beacon of hope to them because the new Bad Sign is that the snows have come. They come to a river and find a narrow frozen section. They are literally skating on thin ice. Big Fat Sam just about makes it but cracks the ice giving himself a wet foot. Doesn’t sound much but that’s the last thing you want in this climate. A while later he falls and they check his foot. It’s frostbite. Amputation is a real possibility giving Daniel a semi so when Fat Sam Captain Oates that they leave him it’s not surprising that it’s Daniel who stays put while Johnny and Joyce head towards the light. Daniel estimates it will be about 3 hours before Sam is too weak to fight off his advances. The clock is ticking.

Back in the cabin Miljan is concerned about the ailing Irene. He wants to kill her to “help her out”. He’s got a point – you could eat her as well. There’s some meat on those Taiwanese bones. His proposal goes down like The Krankies showing up at an 80s swingers party and he’s told to button it. The snow is making everyone short tempered. Sabina shows the gang the contents of her magic cave which is the last thing anyone expected. There’s food, clothing, Israeli army porn (I imagine) – everything you could need. Esther is pissed off with her. Hate to break it to you Esturd but the taciturn Israelite just saved your life. To make amends for selfishly extending their miserable existences Sabina takes them to base camp where they sack further supplies. Esther finds the revealer key but she isn’t revealing that to anyone in a hurry.

Miljan is concerned about the ailing Irene. He wants to kill her to “help her out”. He’s got a point – you could eat her as well. There’s some meat on those Taiwanese bones.

Things at the beacon hunt are going a bit better. Johnny and Joyce return having found shelter and Daniel curses his luck as he was just about make his move on Big Sam’s foot. Don’t worry, son. It’s a long winter – plenty of stumps to come. They carry the big tub of shit to shelter and start a fire so for now at least our favourite bouncer is hanging in there, with a little help from his friends.

Johnny and Joyce return having found shelter and Daniel curses his luck as he was just about make his move on Big Sam’s foot. Don’t worry, son. It’s a long winter – plenty of stumps to come.

It’s great how the cuntestants help each other out like that. While Esther and Neeko examine the revealer Miljan tries to “help out” Irene by suffocating her. Neeko pummels him mercilessly and they tie the fucker up. “We have to get out of here” Esther observes brilliantly and to this end she fake eurekas that the key she found opens the revealer. It pops open and what an array of treats inside: Dostoevsky’s The Idiot ¹, vodka, chocolate, sleeping tablets and matches. They disinfect Irene’s wound with the vodka, light a fire with the matches and play Tetris with the chocolate. Time to party!

While all this is going on Miljan is in the shed tied up, moaning loudly about being left to starve or freeze to death. Noted philanthropist Esther brings him some water but he spits it out at her and tries to blackmail her using his brilliant intuition that she knew she had the key to the revealer all along. It’s unlikely anyone would really give a shit about that but Esther looks at Miljan with murder in her eyes and I don’t think he’s long for this world.

In the morning everyone’s got a bit of a sore head – it could be to do with the empty sleeping tablet bottle and vodka they drank. Either way Irene is missing and when Neeko looks in the shed something truly appalling we don’t see faces him and I’m STILL not talking about Tommy’s decomposing testicles. Catch you next week, fuckheads.

The verdict: Let it snow, let it snow, let it – *kills Irene*

Marks out of 10: 7.5

¹ Yeah, like any of these fuckers have picked up a book in their lives.