The CW
We start this week’s Reign with Ponce Francis and Tomarse having a turdly archery competition. It’s not a classic. The only excitement comes from the terraces where English envoy Hymen Westbrook is arrested as a spy. The story goes he was running his mouth in a tavern about how awesomely he set up the French for the English ambush. Only a prossie is testifying agin him and the king and queen want Mary to perjure herself before God to back the brass up. Her response: “release me from the engagement to Francis and I’ll eat a bucket of shit a day for life never mind testify against some Sassenach cocksmoker.” It’s a deal and Westbrook will be beheaded just as soon as they sharpen the axe.
Her response: “release me from the engagement to Francis and I’ll eat a bucket of shit a day for life never mind testify against some Sassenach cocksmoker.”
So now Mary can unite the great nations of Portugal and Scotland forever but – on the real and on a personal level? – she’s still got a squid boner for Francis. She arranges to meet him at sunset where they make out like they mean it. He grabs a proper handful of her 15-year-old ass. One of Tomarse’s men grasses her up and all of a sudden Mister Nice Guy is Mister Rat Bastard.
He starts laying down the law in terms that Mary really doesn’t care for. He introduces Miguel, her whipping boy. *SMACK* Miguel takes one to the jaw. “That is for the offence of questioning me.” Mary interrupts *SMACK* “That is for interrupting me.” Miguel looks at her all “button it you dozy tart” and she does. All of a sudden marriage looks more unappetising than ever.
*SMACK* “That is for interrupting me.” Miguel looks at her all “button it you dozy tart” and she does.
All is not lost though because Smelly the elephant girl leaves a Royal English seal in Mary’s room as a clue (Smelly is now sleeping under Mary’s bed which is just a bit fucking weird but to be expected from a girl who lives in secret castle tunnels with a sack over her head). It looks like the seal the sex worker saw was actually a little different to the one Hymen carries. But if the spy wasn’t Hymen then who was it? Perhaps a greasy illegitimate Portuguese prince keen to make himself indispensable? Yeah, that figures.
Smelly is now sleeping under Mary’s bed which is just a bit fucking weird but to be expected from a girl who lives in secret castle tunnels with a sack over her head.
Bash and Francis are convinced. They realise Miguel the whipping boy could be flipped to turn state’s evidence – he’s tired of taking ass whippings for gobby jocks. The hooker admits it was the Portugeezer who paid her to drop Westbrook in it. When Bash and Francis track down Tomarse in the woods he’s just about to plug Miguel to silence him forever. Miguel gets an arrow in the back before Francis kills Thomas with a knife to the tits. They return to save Hymen Westbrook’s life, Mary’s virginity and the 90% of this show’s budget that would be eaten up by battle scenes.
They return to save Hymen Westbrook’s life, Mary’s virginity and the 90% of this show’s budget that would be eaten up by battle scenes.
Given that Mary helped France avoid war with England (where they would be brutally obliterated as always) she renegotiates better terms for the reinstated marriage treaty – soldiers, ships, tartan, shortbread – all the essentials.
Mary renegotiates better terms for the reinstated marriage treaty – soldiers, ships, tartan, shortbread – all the essentials.
Queeny’s pissed. Thomarse the bastard let her down in her glorious plan to get the Jock out of her court and out of her son’s bed. She’ll carry on scheming though. It’s not like she’s got anything else to do with the King still knocking the back out of that young ‘un and can you blame him? She’s a raddled old ride, right enough.
The verdict: Never trust a bastard.
Marks out of 10: 6
