The CW
Now that it’s left the Inspector Gadget drug rape business behind Reign can continue along its merry path recounting the history of sixteenth century France as told by the cast of Hollyoaks. It is Scotland’s tragedy that its fate rests entirely with a girl who thinks that the French are exactly the people you want backing you in a fight. That they have folded like deckchairs in every battle in their history worries her not one jot. Now that the English are massing on the Scottish border she’s still backing a flock of lambs to stand up to a nation of lions. King Henry is dragging his feet in responding to Scotland’s pleas for help even though Ponce Francis is backing military intervention like his name was Curtis LeMay. But Henry is the King of France and will not be cowed. Unless of course there’s some kind of war in which case he’ll announce unconditional surrender before it’s even declared.
It is Scotland’s tragedy that its fate rests entirely with a girl who thinks that the French are exactly the people you want backing you in a fight.
Things look up for Elizabeth when Portuguese hottie Prince Tomas takes a shine to her and asks for her hand in marriage. He may be a bastard but his pops is lobbying the Pope to get him legitimised and he’s promising a royal wedding, an alliance and troops from a nation that actually knows that flags come in colours other than white. Is she tempted? She practically log flumes off her chair when he mentions it.
Is she tempted? She practically log flumes off her chair when he mentions it.
The proposal springs her current fiancé into action and, using his knowledge of the king’s bedhopping, Francis brilliantly blackmails his father into sending 6 companies of men to help the jocks. Never mind that France is a nation where hawks are smothered by doves at birth by sheer volume alone, this is fantastic news. Now Mary can tell Prince Tomarse to sling his hook, the Franco-Celt alliance will crush the English and France and Scotland will rule Europe for centuries to come.
Never mind that France is a nation where hawks are smothered by doves at birth by sheer volume alone
Slow your roll, ace. After Bash the bastard rides off to organise the French fleet he gets bashed – knifed in the guts by the English and bleeding from every hole. The 6 companies are dead, massacred, gutted and smeared like a shitty shoe over the Calais dunes. My god the French suck balls at fighting. They didn’t even make it to the ships. The King and Queen figure that there’s a mole in the court – a dirty French mole.
The whole fiasco leads everyone to an unavoidable conclusion: France is the worst country on the planet.
The whole fiasco leads everyone to an unavoidable conclusion: France is the worst country on the planet. Ponce Francis admits to Elizabeth that she should marry Tomarse because his countrymen are such a scandalous crew of cowardly wretches that they can do nothing to help Scotland or indeed themselves. She gives Tomarse a yes, soon-to-be followed by her fresh ginger pumpum. “Don’t get many of those round here” he is likely to say on their wedding night. “Well it beats being drug raped by smelly cowards!” she will shoot back at him, laughing delightfully.
The verdict: This is what it sounds like when doves cry.
Marks out of 10: 6
