BBC Three

It’s difficult to think of anything less sexual than that fuckwitted series of shapes that sex workers/lapdancers /general skanks throw that might best be called the Sex Dance. You know the one: thousand yard stare like you’re blocking out some childhood abuse, bow legged stance like you’re having a shit, grimacing face like you’re having a shit, drawers around your ankles like you’re having a shit. The Truth about Webcam Girls gives several examples of the Sex Dance, every one of them as asexual as an Andi Peters interview with Same Difference.

The Truth about Webcam Girls gives several examples of the Sex Dance, every one of them as asexual as an Andi Peters interview with Same Difference.

We meet 25-year-old ex-pornstar Sammie Kane who lives with her Brummie girlfriend Mara in the city of Birmingham, Europe’s unofficial capital. Sammie has no love for webcamming. She just wants to wash and go – go to college, get a degree and GTFO.  But at £3.50 a minute Sex Dancing for web wankers is not the kind of work she can afford to turn down.

An evening session is interrupted by her CP time  estate agent (even though he’s a cracka-ass cracker) who she casually libels by suggesting he knows her from one of her fuck fetish films from back in the day. She retains a positive outlook on the industry though. “My hatred for men really grew through my job”. Awwww.

Yeah, but just wait until you get your degree, girl – then things will change around. “I’ll be helping people instead of emptying their balls” she daydreams. Hate to break it to you Sammie but most graduates dream of a job as productive as emptying balls. The only thing that 2:2 from BCU is buying you is a shitty alumnus magazine once every six months, an eBay inventory full of un-sellable textbooks and a lifetime of crippling debt.

 The only thing that 2:2 from BCU is buying you is a shitty alumnus magazine once every six months, an eBay inventory full of un-sellable textbooks and a lifetime of crippling debt.

But wait, there’s also 24-year-old prong star Carla in Essex. Unlike Sammie, Carla can’t get enough of the work but finds men are put off getting into a long turd relationshit with her. You don’t say. Carla is a lovely girl full of homespun wisdom like “the cock is only pretty if the guy is really hot” and favours the kind of fishnet body stocking Oscar De La Hoya was photoed in. In other words: quality.

Carla specialises in camming while cooking her dinner and you suspect it is exactly that kind of niche marketing that is going to make her fortune. She even starts dating – a barely sentient tattoo artist called Rob. “Mughumph hugh! Rwezcsklugugoo!” he quips. He’s so right. A while later she splits up with him. It’s a shame because he was a real snatch catch.

A while later she splits up with him. It’s a shame because he was a real snatch catch.

Finally we have 21-year-old glamour model Olivia from Derbyshire. Olivia’s got it all. She spent £5000 getting laughable comedy bowling ball tits and mutilating her face so she’s headed right for the top – it’s inspirational. She won’t go fully nude however which kind of suggests she’s not that ambitious. Nonetheless she knows the glamour business inside out. “You have to look like a slag at the end of the day” she asserts. Such business insight would wow them in the Dragons’ Den.

No sane person would begrudge some hard-up broad the chance to pay her rent by taking her clothes off for the silly money dopey men are willing to cough up. But that doesn’t detract from the fact that the sex industry, the commodification of human intimacy, is repulsive in principle and in practice. However many self-declared sex positive middle-class  teeds tell you otherwise this remains the case.

It’s also boring. Jesus Christ it’s boring and nothing condemns it more roundly than that.

The verdict: Truth doesn’t make a noise.

Marks out of 10: 6.5