ITV
In what no doubt seems like centuries ago you learned about The Great Fire of Londung in whatever fuckpit of a school you and your idiot kind were milled through. Well that was all a big pile of shit they taught you. The Great Fire will tell you the REAL causes of the calamity and – while no one wants to play the blame game – exactly who to blame. Twisted firestarter Thomas Farriner (Andrew Buchan) is obsessed with the pumpum. Specifically his brother’s wife Sarah (Ginger Nause from Game of Thrones). He wants to see how farriner he could get ¹. There’s a Great Fire all right – in his BALLS. So distracted is he by her ginger twot which strangely resembles a pig’s eye that he takes his eye off the ball for just long enough for half a city to be burnt to a crisp.
He wants to see how farriner he can get. There’s a Great Fire all right – in his BALLS.
The week starts off inauspiciously with Tom getting stiffed by the Navy who he provides with mini-baguettes, artisan cinnamon twirls and lemon & poppyseed muffins. Navy official Samuel Pepys (Daniel Mays) tells him he can eat dick daily if he thinks he’s going to get paid but that he CAN confirm his brother’s death. He died like a little bitch at sea which means Tom can now go and put his cock in Sarah with extreme prejudice. Things are looking up.
The same can’t be said for King Charles II (Richard Harrow from Boardwalk Empire). He may be ears deep in Royal Court quim but the Queen isn’t too happy about it and Catholic plots to bump him off abound. One such assassination attempt is foiled by King’s Intelligence Officer Lord Denton (Tywin Lannister). The evidence points to the dangerous left footer having a connection to the Duke of Hanford but Charles’s brother James, Duke of York convinces him that Denton is in the clear. The genuflecting ideologue is just a lone wolf. It’s a big relief for everyone as they torture him to death for a week.
Pepys tells the King that he might want to cut back on the goldplated socks what with the poverty, sedition and politics of envy stalking the streets and His Majesty wonders if he has a point. Pepys is feeling pretty pleased with himself for his excellent counsel until he walks in on his wife Elizabeth (Perdita Weeks) getting cosy with her Pilates instructor.
Chastened he goes visits a hooker to fuck the pain away. “I bet that Pilates fag doesn’t do it like this” he says as she squeals laughing “Put this in your diary Scamyouall!”
“I’ve got an entry I’m rather fond of” he continues grabbing her snatch. It’s ITV period drama at its best.
By coincidence Sarah works for the Duke of Hanford and Denton tries to get her to wear a wire and turn state’s evidence. It’s not her first choice but it sounds like he’ll fuck her up pretty badly if she doesn’t. Tom sees them together and naturally assume s Denton’s banging her. Cockblocked by the Crown! This week can’t get any worse!
Well, not quite. Having left his kids alone so he could chase up his sister-in-law’s skirts he returns to find his smart mouthed daughter has raked the ovens herself and you know what that means: FI-YAH! The bakery is ablaze. The important thing is to not let it spread. I mean that would be a disaster – literally!
Tragically both his kids survive. Their idiot trash arsonist baker spawn will infect the gene pool for generations to come. But it’s a baking hot summer, the city is a giant tinderbox and the winds are fanning the flames. This could be big.
Over in Casa Hanford the King’s brother meets up with Catholic extremist Signor Romero. What can I say? Papists gonna pape. Filthy plotting snakes.
Oh and Sarah gets kidnapped by Denton’s goons. Nobody just invites you for coffee these days do they?
The verdict: Live and let pie.
Marks out of 10: 7
¹ Fuck you.
