ITV

The last time professional dipshit Fearne Cotton landed an exclusive like this it was When Fearne Met Peaches and in the opinion of many it was Cotton’s softly-softly Frost-Nixoning of Geldof that led to her untimely demise a few whenevers ago. She also interviewed doomed Amy Winehouse. Much like how subjects of Louis Theroux windup dead or exposed as baby rapists life expectancy after a Fearne Cotton interview is roughly equivalent to that of a girlfriend of Oscar Pistorius he catches having amputee sex with that sick piece of shit Daniel from Siberia. Cotton may have the looks and brains of a rocking horse but it is as ill-advised to break bread with her as it is with Christ turder Judas Iscariot. In her own way Fearne Cotton is as vicious a killer as the Vietcong who hacked off those inoculated baby arms in Apocalypse Now. “If I had ten divisions of those men our troubles here would be over very quickly” said Colonel Kurtz of the VC baby mutilators and he would surely say the same of Fearne. If you had ten divisions of Cottons everything would be over – your troubles, life, art, culture, civilisation, meaning. Thought itself would perish under the remorseless withering inanity of the Cotton army.

“If I had ten divisions of those men our troubles here would be over very quickly” said Colonel Kurtz of the VC baby mutilators and he would surely say the same of Fearne Cotton.

So you have to admire ¹ the bravery ² of stage school plankton McFly and Busted as they allow the assassin into their lair to chronicle the tour of the Frankenstein’s monster of their component parts McBusted – less a super group, more a pooper group. Fearne has been given exclusive access to McBusted chiefly because no one else wanted it. “There’ll be difficult questions” she assures the viewer and coming from a woman who manfully and not always successfully struggles daily with the question “how do I not look like a twat today?” the statement has authority. “I want to find out why McBusted have sent the country into such a frenzy.” Yeah, you go for the jugular girl. Matt from Busted has been at it like (and with) Amy Winehouse – boozing and doping like a member of band you actually give a shit about. In and out of rehab like Liza Minnelli he’s a quivering fucking wreck, shit-stained calamity and general disgrace to humanity. His bird is still sticking by him as she still thinks you get money for taking empties back to the off-licence. Not the sharpest tool this one.

Matt’s bird is still sticking by him as she still thinks you get money for taking empties back to the off-licence.

Fearne is determined to kill at least one of them and she will almost certainly succeed. She stalks Barry and Puggie from McFly who have also battled substance abuse but like Matth’s steel core. They look like the most vulnerable marks. She talks to Puggie about his sensational caning over plinky piano music. Fearne asks him about sticking it to Smellie Goulding and he’s reluctant to commit. Her fitness instructor is taking her for a few laps around the track now.

Poor Puggie. Everyone leaves him.

I think the tour goes OK – wasn’t really paying attention, tbh. An eagerly anticipated second part will follow where we can expect Fearne to make her move. Watch out boys!

Or, y’know, don’t.

The verdict: No one here gets out alive.

Marks out of 10: 3 ¹ Laugh at. ² Stupidity.