BBC One
How much does Sister Joan love German sausage? That’s the question The Crimson Field has tried to answer and done so successfully with a resounding “äußerst!” A woman hasn’t taken this much German cock since Annette Schwarz and her insane all-consuming love for Stippgrütze has finally caught up with her after Quartermaster Soper caught her last week noshing on frankfurter. “No one’s more German than you” she tells Anton the Kraut in flashback. I can think of a country full of Germans who might disagree with that but she’s the expert in Hun dick. “Ich liebe dick” she tells him and she’s right – she really, really does.
Joan is interrogated by Colonel Fuckface and stands accused of aiding Anton’s escape. She’s probably imagining she’ll be let off with just having her head shaved then being tarred and feathered but if so she’s more out of luck than a stoner who gets the munchies round at Alexa Chung’s place. Joan faces the death penalty as Fuckface is convinced her sympathies are with the enemy but she repeatedly insists that she’s simply all about the cock. “I don’t care what colour they are!” she screams “Black, white, yellow with orange spots – just as long as they’re German!” As defences go it certainly up there with Oscar Pistorius, Amanda Knox and Jodi Arias.
She’s more out of luck than a stoner who gets the munchies round at Alexa Chung’s place.
So of course Ro-land gets it in the neck from the good Colonel and his day just gets worse. News arrives that his son’s sat on a landmine, cleaned his teeth with a Luger or mistook mustard for mustard gas. The dozy cunt’s dead anyway so that’s one less father’s day card for him next year. Sister Cake Stealer is back and pretending to be contrite but in a surprisingly gracious show she decides not to fuck over Ro-land to teach Vinegar Tits a lesson about loyalty. You’ll have to run that one by her again Sister – she’s not the brightest.
Over on the wards Gay Pete‘s brother Jimmy turns up and he’s a war phobic pussy claat sucking his thumb. Lawks a lordy it’s a right two-and-eight when these two get together! Jimmy deliberately burnt his leg in bacon fat to get out of killing Germans and Gay Pete is so disgusted he breaks his leg so that he can fuck off home before he ruins the war effort further.
Once he’s done destroying his brother Gay Pete spits in Joan’s food and calls her a traitor. You would have thought as a fellow cock addict he would have some sympathy for her plight but no. Anton the Kraut comes along at the last minute to save Joan’s arse saying she he’ll spy for the British to keep her out of jail but she henpecks him out of it. She’ll be doing her Kraut cocksucking from the military prison in the second series I assume is never happening.
We finish with Craplin making out with Jock in the words as an onlooking Miles runs away crying. God help us if the Germans try again.
The verdict: Spy in the house of love.
Marks out of 10: 6
