BBC1 Wait, what’s this? Châlons Du Bois 2009? A new timeline altogether. The rupture in the space-time continuum has been caused by some dopey local kid called Alex Du Champs who’s got himself abducted after winning a football tournament. Some “winner” he turned out to be. Once they hear about Alex the Hughes hurtle off... Read More

BBC One After his vicious killing of an innocent pensioner Daddy Big Ears has a quick cleanup of the boat and goes for night-time Dexter body dump in his underpants. He plops Garrett’s weighed down body into the sea and he sinks just like a little bitch. He’ll be doing his child molesting from the... Read More

BBC1 In 2006 Tony and Emily pay a visit to Georges Deloix and beg him to do something about the menace of Ian Garrett and his shitty made up stories about his dad on his deathbed. They makes a compelling case but as Deloix is part of the extensive Châlons Du Bois kiddie fiddling network... Read More

BBC1 No one is having it easy in Châlons Du Bois in 2006. Emily is tripping balls hallucinating Oliver every 30 seconds and it’s up to Daddy Big Ears to comfort her. “We’ll find him – I promise.” says Tony “And then we’ll kill him” he whispers to himself. “What?” “Nothing” He later meets with... Read More

BBC1 In the all-important 2006 timeline Emily frantically searches for Oliver‘s favourite toy Mister Fox. “He’ll want it when he comes back” she explains “We’re not going to see that little cunt for a while” says an increasingly bitter Pony. His mood isn’t helped none when the filth drag him in for further questioning. They... Read More

BBC1 The Missing has been an unrelenting, traumatic telling of one man’s eight year quest to punish his son for an unforgivable caricature. In the 2006 timeline Baptiste hauls in local nonce Vincent Bourg for a chat. Witnesses have him as a regular at the pool where Oliver went missing and he acted proper shifty... Read More

BBC One Pretty much every TV drama these days features some nausey feckless kid going AWOL and The Missing is no different. The year is 2006. Lily Allen is in the charts, Old Tony Blairs is in 10 Downing Street and Tony Hughes (James Nesbitt) is on holiday in the frog fuckpit of Châlons Du... Read More