BBC One
You know what it’s like in a long turd relationshit. Oh wait, you don’t. Women are as repelled by you as long non-polar hydrocarbon chains are by water molecules. Well let Aerial Telly tell you – it’s dull. Two people who could testify to that are middle management fucknut Carl (David Morrissey) and somewhat attractive gym employee Sally (Sheridan Smith) as they board the 7.39 AM train on the hellish commute to That London, a journey relished about as much as the Sonderzüge day savers back in World War II. At first they bicker over a seat and Carl is a real dick about it and neither of them want to back down. A magical wise black man sacrifices himself and gives up his seat so they can both get a seat. ON EACH OTHER’S FACE. ¹
A magical wise black man sacrifices himself and gives up his seat so can they both get a seat. ON EACH OTHER’S FACE.
Yeah, that’s right. From inauspicious seedlings comes the giant oak of David Morrissey’s erection. The next time they cross paths he apologises “I’m usually less of a colossal vag” he chuckles. She smiles and quickly forgives. They chat, they banter, they bond. The next time he saves a seat for her. ON HIS JOHNSON.²
The next time they cross paths he apologises “I’m usually less of a colossal vag” he chuckles.
Of course they are both already spoken for. Sally is engaged to Ryan, a chiselled Men’s Health cover model looking dickless turd borefriend who’s desperate to put babies in her and charge her up that aisle like a Pamplona bull – a prospect she finds heart stoppingly teedy. He’s played by Shaun Maguire last seen being brutally cuckolded by Bailey from Scott and Bailey and it would be a shame if this multitalented actor runs the risk of getting typecast here. *Harry Hill look to camera*
Ryan, a chiselled Men’s Health cover model looking dickless turd who’s desperate to put babies in her and charge her up that aisle like a Pamplona bull
Carl meanwhile has dowdy wife Maggie (Olivia Colman last seen being gleefully pissed on in Tyrannosaur) and two children, both played by Chris from Homeland. Carl’s a great father. He encourages his son to forget his dreams of being an actor and instead crush himself bit by bit in a job that sodomises his soul by a new square-foot every day. At work there’s his Spiderman quoting evil Brent boss Grant Findlay (Justin Salinger) and Martin (Thomas Morrison), his useless but goodhearted co-worker. Good god it’s depressing.
He encourages his son to forget his dreams of being an actor and instead crush himself bit by bit in a job that sodomises his soul by a new square-foot every day.
Carl and Sally are in the prison commute. They’ll either kill each other or fuck each other – there is nothing to do but connect. They synchronise their return journeys and she synchronises her ovulation to his presence. He joins the gym she works at and she personally assesses him. Hypertension, sadness, mild erectile dysfunction, loneliness, physically attractive and not her husband. He’s a prime candidate for boning.
They synchronise their return journeys and she synchronises her ovulation to his presence.
A rail strike means they are stranded together at a swanky hotel. So naturally they get a twin room. They agree to a one-off fuck to get it out of their systems with no harm done but you know that’s about as likely as Evander Holyfield headlining London PRIDE 2014.
They agree to a one-off fuck with no harm done but you know that’s about as likely as Evander Holyfield headlining London PRIDE 2014.
This is an entirely competent long turd relationshit midlife crisis Brief Encounter, Throw Momma off the Train potboiler of which Aerial Telly is very happy to say “it’s all right, this”. Part two follows tomorrow and if he isn’t knocking the back out of her very vigorously, very early on in the whole thing is a shambles.
The verdict: Don’t worry there’ll be another one in half an hour.
Marks out of 10: 7
¹ This does not happen in the strict sense of the word.
² Nor this.
