BBC One
It’s 100 years this year since Britain kicked off the near-legendary World War franchise with the challenging World War I which would go on to spawn a disappointing sequel World War II some years later. Britain’s Great War aims to commemorate but mainly celebrate the 10 million dead soldiers, the first air raids, the thrill of chemical warfare, civilian deaths and trench combat – a “total war” for total cunts.
10 million dead soldiers, the first air raids, the thrill of chemical warfare, civilian deaths and trench combat – a “total war” for total cunts.
Jeremy Paxman lets us know that despite what we may have read the British had no appetite for war. Prime Minister Asquith cried like a bairn as his cabinet ministers dropped like flies. 100,000 people marched for peace – Britain was a nation of John and Yokos. Unfortunately they were shit out of luck. Germans had an army of 2 million and wanted to take over the world. Sigh.
And the British Army was dwarfed in comparison. 120,000, give or take – no match for the Kraut war machine. Kaiser Wilhelm wanted to snack on the British Empire as well as gobbling up Russia and France and had the men to do it. Small wonder everyone was bricking it. Still, once war was declared, it was all “eff it, let’s get into these putas” and the nation united against the Hun.
Those who didn’t qualify for action became Special Constables. Boy Scouts aided the Special Cuntbubbles though, truth be told, no aid could help these sorry saps and we were fucked if we got down to these invalids. Running the biggest empire in human history and fucking with Fritz certainly put a strain on a small island nation.
Boy Scouts aided the Special Cuntbubbles though, truth be told, no aid could help these sorry saps.
The early news from the front was dismal. Mons was a rout – a lengthy painful ass fucking, the army retreating 200 miles into France marching day and night, hallucinating like early Pink Floyd. With the forces running out of men to get killed that raddled old fuck Lord Kitchener brilliantly rallied volunteers. In one of the largest and most successful guilt trips in history he brought 1 million volunteers into the war effort by Christmas 1914. It was a sterling campaign.
The heinous bullshitting fraud Horatio Bottomley was another persuasive voice, preaching across the country like some tent show revivalist on the divine right of Britons to rule. Rumours of German war atrocities spreading through the country and men coming home from the front looking like Richard Harrow gave a very real sense that the barbarians were yammering at the door.
So good on the BBC for doing this and good on all those dead folks for fighting. They were being marched into a meat grinder and many would end up spread like beef paste across some foreign field but we are distinctly less German as a result of their sacrifice and for that we owe eternal thanks.
The verdict: Kaiser cheats.
Marks out of 10: 7
