Real talk

When South Africa featured a gigantic dung beetle rolling a football across the pitch in its World Cup opening ceremony like some arcane faecal worship ritual, it was at once an act of social magic, a piece of grotesque symbolism and a chilling mission statement.  It said “we are going to take the greatest team sport on the planet, the greatest sporting event in the universe and turd it up beyond all recognition. You fuckers won’t even recognize it by the time we’re through”.  And, man alive, have they ever lived up to that?

“Like some arcane faecal worship ritual, the football rolling dung beetle was at once an act of social magic, a piece of grotesque symbolism and a chilling mission statement.”

It is no small undertaking to ruin Association Football‘s World Cup and many have tried.  Even giving it to The United States of America, a country who neither like nor understood the game, could fully screw up its magnificence.  And yet South Africa has achieved it and the main weapon in its armoury is a shitty 3 foot long plastic trumpet known simply as the Vuvuzela.

The etymology off Vuvuzela is unclear.  Many believe it comes from the onomatopoeic Zulu “vuvu” meaning “to make noise”.  But as Aerial Telly has pointed out several times the etymology of a word is not its meaning.  What Vuvuzela means is an instrument of show-off blowhard cabbages with no interest in football, no consideration for others and no off button.  The monophonic hornets’ nest honk is the least welcome sound since the ping of the last dress button holding Beth Ditto‘s unholy gunt from the world.

“The monophonic hornets’ nest honk is the least welcome sound since the ping of the last dress button holding Beth Ditto’s unholy gunt from the world.'”

Of course that despicable time serving commissar Sepp Blatter has defended the atrocity claiming we should not seek to “Europeanise” the World Cup.  Knowing full well that our aim is merely to denausify the tournament, Twatter has gone this line asking how we would feel if our traditions were banned in football grounds?  What, you mean the spectacularly annoying ones nobody of consequence gives two fucks about? Delighted I’m sure.  Next question?

In any case the idea of the Vuvuzela-as-beloved-traditional-horn is far from a universally acknowledged truth in South Africa.  Mondli Makhanya, former editor-in-chief of the Johannesburg Sunday Times, has it right when he laments what Satan’s trumpet has done to the great South African tradition of public singing.

“The Adidas Jabulani ball, a ball whose unique selling point is its production of a “true flight”. Seasoned viewers will knows that the only thing Jabulani guarantees is ‘true shite.”

“During apartheid, we sung in the worst of times. When people were protesting, we sang. When people were being shot, we sang. We sing vociferously in funerals; we sing vociferously at weddings. What this instrument has done is to take something away from the football culture. And I think that, rather than celebrating it, we should actually be mourning the death of song.”

“Their fans desert the stadium the instant they start losing. Their only real interest in football teams is as a cover to murder 14 year old boys.”

Yet Blatter still defends it. That gladhanding fuck’s only other contribution to the tournament is the introduction of the Adidas Jabulani ball, a ball whose unique selling point is its production of a “true flight”.  Seasoned viewers will knows that the only thing Jabulani guarantees is a “true shite” football watching experience where the greatest selection of footballing talent on the planet cannot get a shot on target with it anywhere beyond 12 yards out. Big yourself up, Twatter – you’re a real piece of work.

For those that ain’t know I’ma break it down like this. Sepp Blatter is a spineless schmuck.  South Africa is not a footballing country. Their fans desert the stadium the instant they start losing.  Their only real interest in football teams is as a cover to murder 14 year old boys. Bafana Bafana sounds like one of Christopher Biggins‘s catchphrases from On Safari. Apartheid is no longer South Africa’s biggest shame.

Consequently, every South African football “fan” past, present and future with a horn in his mouth can figgedy fuck right off into eternity.

Imagined: Thursday, June 17, 2010