Five the saviour, Tyson Fury as John the Baptist
It’s been 14 years since The Spice Girls launched Channel 5, the network that would give us the kind of fake titty softcore like Red Shoe Diaries and endless Shannon Tweed mainstream erotica titles like Indecent Behavior IV that made Britain masturbate again in the brief interim between 28.8 K modems and 56K modems. Oh you young fools who don’t recall a time before the Internet. How hopelessly crippled your imaginations must be. Any old fucking way never let it be said that Channel 5 shied away from showing unwatchable bilge. But Aerial Telly is all about giving credit where it’s due and in giving terrestrial network debuts for shows like The Shield, Californication, Breaking Bad and 30 Rock it showed that, much like Dolly Parton, there was more to it than just a pair of tits. And although this summer saw it revive the corrupt, broken and bankrupt teed leviathan Big Brother, Aerial Telly is going to give it a pass. Because in 2011 Channel 5 brought boxing back to the people.
"Although this summer saw it revive the corrupt, broken and bankrupt teed leviathan Big Brother, Aerial Telly is going to give it a pass. Because in 2011 Channel 5 brought boxing back to the people."
That’s right, motherfuckers. Boxing. The greatest sport there ever has been or ever will be. Having sold its soul to Pukert Turdoch and PPV (Puke Per View) boxing in this country finds itself relegated to the second tier of sport. WBC world super middleweight champion Nottingham’s Carl Froch would be a household name in the UK in the 80s but now he can barely get arrested. The great Ricky Fatton showed that a charismatic round-the-way boy could still put bums on seats in the modern era but it was very telling that most of his vociferous following were football fans and a conversation with any of them revealed that they knew the square root of feck all about boxing – a symptom of the depressing boxing illiteracy that exists since terrestrial boxing departed for the skies.
“In many ways Tyson Fury is a big bag of shit who epitomises everything wrong with the 9 foot tall, 300 stone, pig-titted modern heavyweight, however…”
But now it’s back and for that we have to thank Channel 5 and Tyson Fury. Now, in many ways Tyson Fury is a big bag of shit who epitomises everything wrong with the 9 foot tall, 300 stone, pig-titted modern heavyweight. He’s certainly not the best boxer in the world. He’s probably not the best boxer in his own family but let me say this about Luke "Tyson" Fury: he’s a warrior who comes to rumble, gives good press conference, talks crazy shit then always backs it up in the ring. This, my friends1, is exactly what boxing needs.
Channel 5 recognise this and in broadcasting Fury’s victory over the repulsive woman beating Dereck Chisora in July and his subsequent barnstormer against the resilient Nicolai Firtha in September the channel was rewarded with a peak of 2.9m viewers for the Chisora fight and over 1 million for the Firtha fight showing once again that if you put faith in boxing eventually it will always repay you.
OK, they fucked up and forgot to broadcast most of the rounds (which, on reflection, was a bit of an oversight) but it would be churlish to focus on this. The coverage has been great and they scored a real coup in getting legendary Showtime anchor Al Bernstein on board. Since Fraudley Embarrasson conned the BBC out of £1 million, terrestrial TV channels have shied away from boxing and Channel 5 have taken the risk, took their lumps and proven that it’s once again a viable option. For this, they should be honoured.
So Aerial Telly salutes you Tyson Fury and salutes you Channel 5, you filthy pornographer turds. Keep up the good work.
1 Fuck you. You are not Aerial Telly’s "friends".
Imagined: Tuesday 4 October 2011
