BBC1

Ever wondered what happened to Dushane from Top Boy? Well apparently he’s posing as a copper called “Ray” (Ashley Walters) living with his teenage daughturd Natalie (Alesha Wilson) while secretly banging the living shit out of the love of his brother’s life Lorna (Pippa Bennett-Warner). It’s a sweet set up he’s got going until said ne’er-do-well brother bludfam Anthony (Tosin Cole) turns up looking to rekindle his relationshit with Lorna. He may be on the run from the law, have no job, prospects or ability to live in one address for longer than nine hours but dammit he’s still in love with her and he sees a great future for them together in a series of Holiday Inns up and down the country. Not the sharpest tool in the box this one.

He’s still in love with her and he sees a great future for them together in a series of Holiday Inns up and down the country.

But hey, at least he’s got his big brother Ray to count on. He’s always had his back. He even arranges a meeting with Lorna for him and he’s there to counsel his bro after he gets viciously friendzoned during it. Anthony is not a man to take get tae fuck for an answer though and his resolve doubles. He’s discovered that Lorna is seeing someone else and confides in Ray that he will “kill him, KILL him I say!”

Needless to say Ray doesn’t like the sound of that. Lorna is incredibly wise. “It’s difficult, innit? Incredibly difficult this”. Yeah thanks, Captain Obvious. It takes a sterling effort from Ray to persuade Anthony to GTFO before he finds whoever is putting their cock in Lorna. He’ll get a bit of a surprise when the wedding invite comes.

Actually scratch that because like the slow learner fuck he is Anthony breaks in to Lorna’s at two in the morning and discovers Ray with a hard on and a bottle of salad cream. “You???” he asks. Well, durr. Anthony pulls a gun on him and it’s just like the old days on Summerhouse Estate.

There’s a bit of that predictable “go on then, shoot me!” shite before Anthony decides that discretion is the better part of running like a little bitch and away he runs like a little bitch.

I’ll say this much for Lorna. She’s not much to look at and she’s not the brightest but she more than makes up for that in her ability to fuck two blood related males, one of whom enforces the law for a living and the other who breaks it for a living. And the BBC has blooded some new writers blud so everyone’s a winner.

The verdict: Back. Caught you looking for the same thing. By which I mean Lorna’s vagina

Marks out of 10: 7