Live From Studio Five

Five

They said it wouldn’t last. But look, Live From Studio Five made it all the way to the end of October – pushed on by a mixture of bloody mindedness and necessity.  It’s fairly uncontroversial to say that this is a very bad show.  It’s been passed around from critic to critic for individual beatings like a gimp at an S&M party.  It has been, in the words of Danny Dyer Esq., totally cunted.  Deservedly, too, because it stinks the place out – Studio Five and all surrounding studios pong to the highest of heavens.  The scenario is Ian Wright, Melinda Messenger and Kate Walsh presenting news, chat, interviews and celebrity gossip.  How bad can that be? All the big issues of the day are tackled. Can John and Edward win X Factor? Are You Happy to Be British? Can’t This Show Just Fuck Off?

"It’s been passed around from critic to critic for individual beatings like a gimp at an S&M party. It has been, in the words of Danny Dyer Esq., totally cunted. Deservedly, too, because it stinks the place out."

They are all over the place in Studio Five. It looks like an abandoned rehabilitation centre for brain-damaged TV presenters.  There’s no audience (which immediately feels weird), just a technical crew meekly cheering them on.  They get everything wrong. Ian Wright sits in-between the two girls, rolling his chair backwards and forwards like a hyperactive child.  None of them are big on eye contact – it’s terribly disconcerting.

“A combination of beauty and appearing on The Apprentice has opened all kind of doors for Kate – that doesn’t mean she should walk through every single one.”

And Wright talks pure fucking shite, saying the first thing that enters his head in every situation.  It’s like a crazyman’s internal dialogue.  He says stupid things, crass things, obvious things – he’s a walking knee jerk. It’s painful to be around. Speaking your mind is only a virtue if your mind is of consequence and his only exists theoretically. 

Then there’s Kate Walsh, very pretty in a China White kind of way but desperately out of her depth in the shallows of this show.  She is contractually obliged to never say anything of any worth and sticks to this commitment like Michael Jackson sticks to 10-year-old cancer patients.  She has absolutely no business on television.  A combination of beauty and appearing on The Apprentice has opened all kind of doors for Kate – that doesn’t mean she should walk through every single one.

The chemistry between the three is brutal. Messenger and Wright together would have been miserable and contrived but may just have held together.  The addition of Walsh, essentially a shite me-too version of Messenger, throws the whole ecosystem into chaos and no one knows what’s going on.  Banter bounces between two of the presenters and before it can reach its conclusion it’s interrupted by the third. The two girls overlap at every opportunity.  Wright just shouts an awful lot. As long as you live this is never working.

"Conceivably, Shitey could front a gorblimey man-of-the-people football talk show and Walsh could punch her borefriend in the tits on Virgin’s autumn showpiece Titpunching My Borefriend."

Individually they don’t amount to much but collectively they are less than the sum of their parts.   Conceivably, Shitey could front a gorblimey man-of-the-people football talk show, Messenger could do Loose Women and Walsh could punch her borefriend in the tits on Virgin‘s autumn showpiece Titpunching My Borefriend.  But this?  Desperately failing.  To continue with it is just… perverse.

But wasn’t it bound to be like this?  I don’t think so.  Shows that mix entertainment and news don’t have to flounder this badly. Matthew Wright gets it spot on with The Wright Stuff – just the right blend of froth, fury and humour.  Matthew Wright is a professional journalist as are many of his guests.  They didn’t just walk in off a glamour shoot, football pitch or reality TV show.  There may be a connection.

So yeah, Live From Studio Five blows harder than Krakatoa.  Bet you didn’t see that coming?

The best thing about it: Melinda Messenger – doing her best in impossible circumstances.

The worst thing about it: Ian Wright, Wright, Wright.

The verdict on Live From Studio Five: Coming out in hives.

Marks out of 10: 3

Imagined: Wednesday, October 28, 2009