Previously on Clownton: what I mostly remember is all the rape and the line of toff suitors waiting to jump Mary‘s icy bones. Anna is still giving Bates the cold shoulder though mercifully for both him and us the show does not extend his ignorance too long. After overhearing Mrs Hughes and Anna talking about the secret he beats the truth out of Hughesy with a resignation threat. She tells him it was a mysterious intruder which has all the credibility of the intruder in the JonBenet Ramsey murder case. Bates’s best guess is that it is Dennis Rapeman, late of Albert Square. Mrs Hughes swears on her mother’s grave it isnae. Thus Hughes ensures herself eternal damnation and Clownton perpetuates rape culture. It’s not even 9:30.
Mrs Hughes swears on her mother’s grave it isnae. Thus Hughes ensures herself eternal damnation and Clownton perpetuates rape culture.
Monster Mash Mary gets some shocking news (that she already knew was going to happen): Gillinghump gets engaged to Mabel Lame Fucks. Fortunately she has a surprise visitor to take her mind off things: Mister Napier. You may remember him in the first series taking a romantic interest in Mary who responded to his attentions by fucking his friend the Turk to death then dumping his body back in his room. He’s on some bullshit hush-hush government business with his boss and Mary insists that they both stay at Downton so she can snuff fuck his boss as well. Her first fiancé went down on the Titanic, Tommy the Turk never stood a chance and Cousin Matthew mysteriously croaked in an RTA despite being the world’s most boring driver. Good luck surviving a relationship with Mary, Rapier.
Her first fiancé went down on the Titanic, Tommy the Turk never stood a chance and Cousin Matthew mysteriously croaked in an RTA despite being the world’s most boring driver.
Downstairs, there’s a new lady’s maid for Cora and she’s knocking it out of the park. Baxter (Raquel Cassidy from Lead Balloon and the somewhat lamented Party Animals) who is proving invaluable with her knowledge of American eating habits and her sewing machine of doom that she sneakily infiltrates into Mrs Patmore‘s kitchen. She’s playing them like a mandolin, scheming with Thomas who wants her to be his eyes and ears. Leave it to these two and they’ll be running the whole estate by the year’s end.
Bates plans on killing her rapist. He’ll track him down if it takes forever and it’ll likely only take one trip to IMDb.
Anna was right about one thing: Bates plans on killing her rapist. He’ll track him down if it takes forever and it’ll likely only take one trip to IMDb. I’d make yourself scarce, rapey Den.
The verdict: Napier mâché.
Marks out of 10: 7