The ad break

The art of advertising is to create a need that isn’t there then convince the rubes only you can fill it. Birds Eye have coughed up £10 million on a marketing campaign for their premium Inspirations range. They’ve had enough of their product being downgraded by food snobs and society’s “rules”. They want frozen food to be thought of as “first choice” not “fall back” (or indeed “fallout”). To this end we have The Proposal, a 30 second ad featuring a young cuntple settling down to enjoy Birds Eye cod and frozen veg. She: “This is a special treat. Don’t expect it too often.” What might she be referring to? Anal? Intimate photos of her hotter younger sister? She STFU for half an hour? No, she’s referring to the cod she just stuck in the microwave for 10 minutes. He: “If you continue to make meals like this I would probably marry you”. She refuses to commit to such an undertaking. I should hope so too. That 10 minutes waiting for the ping could be more productively spent staring into space while hiking her knickers out of her arse.

‘Food of Life’ is the meaningless buzz phrase they are pushing and ‘real life, real food and real people’ the meaningless ethic. Worthless shiftless turds too lazy to herb a cod is what they actually mean. Maybe the cod cuntple are representative of a lucrative niche that the Birds Eye behemoth has yet to exploit and if so hooray for them. But let’s not convince ourselves that the kind of people impressed by a potential life partner dishing up a frozen ready meal deserve to breathe the same air as the rest of us.

Real triflin’, real foof and real peepoo.