What’s up with latest Scandinavian import The Bridge? It all starts one night when the bodies of two murdered women are found dumped on the Oresund bridge between Denmark and Sweden during a 48 second blackout. The first is a chopped Swede Kerstein Ekwell, the chairman of Malmo council and comes minus a pair of legs. The second, Monique Brammer, is half-Danish in that her top half is missing. Monique was a prostitute and her bottom half is slotted neatly onto Kerstein’s top half and the border between the two countries bisects the bodies like some ungodly cheese wire. As a piece of performance art it’s bold and challenging. Say what you will about his motives but this guy has the razzle-dazzle theatrics of killing down to a fine art. He’s no slouch at fucking with the police either. Splitting the crime right down the middle necessitates a joint venture between Swedish and Danish police forces and you can only imagine the conflict that causes. The clash of a fire and ice, chalk and cheese, girl and boy, tomeyto tomato cop duo, you ask? You goddamn right.
“There may be attraction. Saga is insanely good-looking which won’t hurt her cause. Her bobsleighing down the autistic spectrum like a colossal fucking loon might as, equally, Martin looking like the alcoholic pig titted face holocaust he is might.”
In the Danish corner we’ve got Martin (Kim Bodnia) – affable, dishevelled, middle-aged, wife and kids – Martin’s good people. And in the Swedish corner Saga (Sofia Helin) – baffling, thirtysomething, assburgers up the ass – Saga’s weird people. The tension between the two is immediate. There may be attraction. Saga is insanely good-looking which won’t hurt her cause. Her bobsleighing down the autistic spectrum like a colossal fucking loon might as, equally, might Martin looking like the alcoholic pig-titted face holocaust he is. Workplace romances – who needs them?
“Troy and Abed have a killer to catch and what a killer. Not content with his game of bitch jenga on the bridge his next trick is to turn his attention to the homeless.”But Troy and Abed have a killer to catch and what a killer. Not content with his game of bitch jenga on the bridge his next trick is to turn his attention to the homeless. The idea of a serial killer preying on the homeless has long excited Aerial Telly. He got hard at the thought in season five The Wire until it turned out it was just McNulty being a dick, pulling the old choke ‘n’ switch on some hobo cadavers to funnel money into the war on drugs (booooooring).
Likewise The Bridge dangles the possibility of a bum avenger although it turns out the dude has a liberal agenda, like the BBC and Fox News. In fairness, he does kill 10 homeless people by leaving poisoned wine out for them but he says he’s doing it to draw attention to their plight. It’s an interesting M.O. (“Homeless! I will highlight your problems by killing as many of you as possible” “Ah we’re OK thanks!” signed The Homeless.) If only politicians and murderers could get together and agree on a solution to the “problem” of homelessness. But how did we get here anyway? Who is this chick killing scourge of the homeless and what’s his story?
“He’s far from publicity shy, keeping the Feds up to date with his slaughter campaign via phone, e-mail, webcast and his blog (he was going to get a Tumblr but then he realised only tryhard thunderteeds did that)”
That’s a complicated one. He’s a secret lemonade drinker when it comes to personal details but he’s far from publicity shy, keeping the Feds up to date with his slaughter campaign via phone, e-mail, webcast and his blog (he was going to get a Tumblr but then he realised only tryhard thunderteeds did that). Tabloid journalist rat fuck scumcunt Daniel Ferbé (Christian Hillborg) is his chief liaison. He used Ferbé’s motor to dump the skanks and clogs his e-mail inbox up with douchey homeless statistics which we can add to his list of crimes. There’s no spam filter for sanctimony.
“Charlotte trolls around wards crouching at the beds of brain-damaged road accident victims chanting “DIE, YOUNG CUNT!'”Elsewhere, social worker Stefan Lindberg tracks down his homeless sister Sonja who barely survives a glass of Chateaux Fuck from the inbox killer. Stefan and Sonja share some kind of troubled upbringing and an identical snaking scar on their arms. There’s some deep dark shit there that’s for sure.
Meanwhile at the hospital,
Charlotte Sorringer, the pushy wife of a poorly property developer, nauses everyone the fuck out, trolling around wards crouching at the beds of brain-damaged road accident victims chanting “DIE, YOUNG CUNT!” in the hope that when one expires she will be able to rip the still warm heart out of his chest and have it installed in her husband who, as she never tires of saying, will die if he doesn’t get a transplant. The killer has a bug up his crack about property developers so all these things are connected but we’re not quite sure how.
We can be quite sure about one thing though: The Bridge is kind of fucking awesome. The murders are thrilling, the central character dynamic between Chålk and Cheæse is strong and Saga is frequently hilarious. The show has apparently had a good response from the Assburgers community who are impressed that Saga is a high functioning Assburger ¹ and while I’m sure that’s all swell I think I like her because she reminds me of Chloe from 24. And I have to admit I’m fascinated by the shadowy figure they chase who thinks killing is the only kindness and has adopted murder as a force for social change. I don’t pretend to understand the Swedish Socialist Model but if the net result is fewer Big Issue sellers then I say “Yes, we can”.
The verdict on The Bridge: More Golden Gate than golden shower.
Marks out of 10: 8
¹ While it’s never made explicit that Burger does indeed form her Ass she acts like a dipshit all the time which is a diagnostically sound method of spotting them – such is my understanding.