Prison Break Season Two Premiere
"What's got 16 legs, 15 hands and keeps looking over its shoulder?"
We counted down the days like children awaiting Christmas. When it came, the return began with cadaverous FBI agent Alexander Mahone (William Fichtner) at a press conference quoting from the on-the-run journal of John Wilkes Booth, President Lincoln's killer. It took the authorities 12 days to find the assassin, Mahone tells the assembled hacks, and in that time he writes of how the criminal's neuroses are "magnified by flight". Mahone sees parallels between Booth and the Fox River escapees.
"In 140 years the escaped man has not changed". He must be starting to whiff a bit by now?
"'In 140 years the escaped man has not changed'. He must be starting to whiff a bit by now?"
Oh Prison Break; how do I love thee? Lots and lots, that's how. Unconditionally, eternally, irrationally. This show is so fucking good. Having successfully executed the world's most complicated escape plan Michael Schofield, his meathead brother Lincoln "I never did them things" Burrows and six other convicted scrotes are running around like a swarm of blue-arsed flies avoiding the pack of pissed off screws on their trail.
"Mahone gives chase only to watch them blend into the civilian morass of Cuntcake, Illinois. He looks mad vex that they got away but you know this shit's not over."
In the tradition of The Fugitive, the Feds' man Mahone tries to get inside Michael's head to sniff out his quarry. There are obvious parallels between the two men. Like Michael, Mahone is a sensitive cultured boy driven by an obsessive attention to detail and a consuming need to fix things. Maybe he has low latent inhibition as well? It wouldn't surprise me. Intriguingly, we see him popping pills from a compartment inside his pen in this episode. We like our pill-popping TV characters here at Aerial Telly and can only speculate on their significance. Is he dying, addicted, taking an E? Because we need an acid house revival like we need our toes chopped off with pruning shears.
Mahone quickly figures that Michael's tattoo is the key to unravelling the labyrinthine plan. And as Michael and the boys head towards the cemetery for a change of clothes hidden in a grave, Mahone is figuring out their whereabouts by decoding some writing from Michael's tattoo. It's a close shave for the boys as Mahone gives chase only to watch them blend into the civilian morass of Cuntcake, Illinois. He looks mad vex that they got away but you know this shit's not over.
"Bigger Boys figure Veronidurrr's more trouble than she's worth - a conclusion many of us reached by the end of the pilot in season one."
In civvy street Veronidurrr, the world's dumbest real-estate lawyer, uncovers NOT DEAD Terence Steadman locked up in a country house. She gets herself killed by phoning the police and being intercepted by Bigger Boys who figure she's more trouble than she's worth - a conclusion many of us reached by the end of the pilot in season one.
"TV's favourite baby rapist T-Bag was cut loose by the gang when they cut loose his hand with an axe."
Meanwhile, TV's favourite baby rapist T-Bag was cut loose by the gang in the season one finale when they cut loose his hand with an axe. Having stolen an icebox from some campers to keep his hand cool T-Bag decides it's time to get reattached to his errant digits. So naturally he goes to an Indian veterinary surgeon with his proposal. The Indian vet (played by Apu from The Simpsons) is understandably reluctant what with him not having a fucking clue how to do it and all but T-Bag assures him of a sorry end if he does not make with the impromptu surgery. If only he had the presence of mind to challenge him to a game of stone, paper, scissors. At least T-Bag now knows what the sound of one hand clapping sounds like. Zen masters have been pondering that riddle for centuries.
Lovely, lovely Dr Sarah Tancredi is recovering from her overdose to face the music over the possibility that she may have just maybe left the Infirmary door open on purpose for the escape posse in the vain hope of getting some Tattooed Low Latent Inhibition Man Cock from Michael in return. Being a recovering addict, she's no stranger to poor choices in men. She needs a man like Aerial Telly* to give her the kind of pelvis rattling wookie walloping that heroin simply can't match. She knows my number. It's on the restraining order.
"Sarah may have just maybe left the Infirmary door open on purpose for the escape posse in the vain hope of getting some Tattooed Low Latent Inhibition Man Cock from Michael in return."
It's a terrific starter for ten from Prison Break and we expected no less. It set up the series premise perfectly - the battle of wits between Michael and Mahone, the continuing political conspiracy and the battle to get Westmoreland's buried loot. There will be more intricately weaved plot contrivances, innovative twists, jawdrop shocks and more of Michael's signature yampy plans in store. It will thrill and appal us in equal measure. Very few shows justify our love with such ball-breaking consistency.
The best thing about it: It's back!
The worst thing about it: An Indian vet? Come ahhhn.
The verdict on Prison Break Season Two Premiere: Tramps like this - baby, they were born to run
Marks out of 10: 9
*Disclaimer: as stated previously there is no man like Aerial Telly
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© James Donaghy 2003-2013