ITV
Talk to anyone in the hotel business and they’ll tell you it’s amazing what people leave behind in their rooms. This is well illustrated when Shott and Failey get called to the Manchester Imperial Leather where some trickster has left a dead Jane Doe in a hotel bathroom. They ask for her name and in a dark brown voice they are told “Lola: L-O-L-A, Lola.” She was waiting for one “Grant Meath” and it looks like she got more Grant than she bargained for. “She’d taken it up the arse and fanny” says Gill “Possibly consensually, possibly not. I don’t know. What am I – a fucking mindreader?” If she comes across as a bit tetchy today it’s because she’s as pissed as a Geldof who’s been left alone with a vulnerable child and a litre of vodka. Fucking Gill, man.
In her inebriated state she thinks she’s in with a shot with the new stud on the team DS Will Pemberton (Steve Toussaint) – one of the eight good black men left. Gill can just fuck right off if she’s planning to ride Will because Rachel’s been secretly boning him for the past month. That girl does like to sail close to the wind. Steve Toussaint was last seen flushing Squealey Nause’s head down a bog in Line of Duty. Watch out Failey!
Steve Toussaint was last seen flushing Squealey Nause’s head down a bog in Line of Duty. Watch out Failey!
She has other things on her mind though when a drunk-as-a-skunk Gill lets slip that Janet was the first choice for the sergeant’s job. Rach gets a sprained vag over it and rides Janet over some bullshit. When Gill tells Janet it’s over her drunken discretion Janet gives her a piece of her mind, specifically the part that says “lay off the booze you twiggy skank. I need you undermining my relationshit with Failey like I need my clit sandpapered.” Gill gets the message. She cancels that 16 case Virgin Wines order before falling asleep at her desk in a puddle of her own piss.
Janet recovers from the unpleasantness in time to go speed dating. She booked the gig after seeing her ex-husbland Aids so happy with his new girlfriend. Her dating technique’s a little rusty though and she spends her three-minute dates interrogating sappy men, breaking several of them along the way, some confessing to armed robbery, credit card fraud and sodomy. Old habits hard to break I guess.
Anyway, that Lola broad got done by some dude who said he was some other dude. It was an S&M game gone wrong, or right depending on your perspective. I’ll say this much for this series: the crime of the week is pretty shitty. Really phoned in. They’d probably want to step that up. There’s only so much of a fuck I can give about Shott speed dating her way to to Chief Super.
The verdict: It’s a mixed up, muddled up shook up world.
Marks out of 10: 7.5