No Heroics
ITV2
Aerial Telly has pretty much had it with superheroes. He has no idea who goes to see The Hulk, Spiderman 1, 2 or 3 or who the fuck Tobey Maguire is. He understands perfectly well why small children would want to see such films but these screenings are attended by adults. What the frak is up with that? It puts you in mind of those "people" whose favourite book is Harry Potter – a Band-Aid placed over the slashed jugular of their illiteracy. But I suppose a sitcom about superheroes have the potential? For the sake of No Heroics, we better hope so. It’s an ITV sitcom after all, the television equivalent of being born with no arms or legs in Johannesburg’s darkest slum to an abusive alcoholic father and crack addicted schizophrenic mother who has killed her last 14 children with a pair of scissors to the head.
"These screenings are attended by adults. What the frak is up with that? It puts you in mind of those ‘people’ whose favourite book is Harry Potter – a Band-Aid placed over the slashed jugular of their illiteracy."
No Heroics is ITV2’s first original sitcom and features a group of off-duty superheroes drinking, whingeing and fucking up together in The Fortress – the superhero hangout with three immutable rules: "No Masks, No Powers and No Heroics".
There’s Alex, "The Hotness" (Nicholas Burns) who produces heat at will. Stupid, vain and cowardly, his search for the hero inside himself seems to be taking longer than usual. His ex-girlfriend Sarah (Claire Keelan) is "Electroclash", blessed with the power to control machines with her voice. She usually uses this to fuck up her dad’s car batteries and steal from ATMs. She’s a stroppy dark haired piece of pie who, it must be said, looks pretty good in superhero slut boots.
"It’s an ITV sitcom after all, the television equivalent of being born with no arms or legs in Johannesburg’s darkest slum."
Electroclash once formed one half of the brilliantly named Ladytrouble duo with Jenny, "She-Force" (Rebekah Staton), a fat lass with superstrength, a sunny outlook and no clue at all about anything.
Perhaps the weirdest of the bunch is Don, "Timebomb" (James Lance) an alcoholic Spanish homosexual into no strings sex and torture who can see 60 seconds into the future. The scope for planet saving heroics with this particular combination of traits is pretty limited but Don is a funny fucker and quite insightful for a sociopath.
"As the low ranking capes unwind in The Fortress, discussing their mediocrity and self-loathing they have to negotiate the superhero pecking order clear to everyone in the joint."
As the low ranking capes unwind in The Fortress, discussing their mediocrity and self-loathing they have to negotiate the superhero pecking order clear to everyone in the joint. Alex’s life is made miserable by Devlin, "Excelsor" (Patrick Baladi), Britain’s most successful superhero. A smug and cruel egomaniac, he gets great pleasure from bullying Alex in front of his crew of flunkies at every opportunity. This is always funny because Alex kind of deserves it for being such a tit and Devlin is a remorselessly unpleasant bastard. Patrick Baladi does great with this one.
"No one really knows how to do the right thing and the best that they can hope for is to be slightly less than useless… just for one day."
No Heroics is a lot of fun. Our heroes are treated with contempt by pretty much everyone whose path they cross and there’s no embarassing Heroes style meditation on what constitutes a real hero. If anything, it’s a celebration of human weakness. No one really knows how to do the right thing and the best that they can hope for is to be slightly less than useless… just for one day.
The best thing about it: Devlin
The worst thing about it: ITV are bound to replace it with a Duty Free remake.
The verdict on No Heroics: Hate the caper, not the cape.
Marks out of 10: 8
Imagined: 29th October 2008
