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It’s fortuitous that the third episode of Dragons’ Den has someone pitching a publishing venture. As history’s greatest TV critic Aerial Telly is often asked for writing tips. He always tells the slime “Never forget that no one gives a fuck about you or your idea. You’re a turd until someone more important than you says otherwise. Now GTFO of my way before I administer the kind of beatdown Turdguy Kovalev put on Nathan Cleverly”. You know who could do with this advice? Laura Bartlett “founder” of Urban Coco fashion magazine. She’s in the Den asking for £100,000 for 15 percent in Turdban Cocko which she is taking from online to print. It’s a courageous ¹ forwardthinking ² move from Deborah who explains it by saying “if less people are doing it then you’ve got more chance of standing out”. You’ve certainly got more chance of standing out in the rain doing the chicken dance for coins because you’ve been evicted, I’ll give her that.
“If less people are doing it then you’ve got more chance of standing out”. You’ve certainly got more chance of standing out in the rain doing the chicken dance for coins because you’ve been evicted, I’ll give her that.
Devourer Medung is curious about what constituted the success of Urban Coco the website. What kind of hits was she getting? “8000 unique visitors a month”. That, non-webmasters, is laughably abysmal. “Does that sound like a lot to you?” asks Devourer . “Yeah…. Somewhat”. It’s really not. Luckily for Laura Peeturd Blownes already owns a similar fashion and lifestyle publication Wonderland Magazine. Unfortunately for Laura he’s actually read hers. “It’s substandard quality.” he tells her “The content is appalling.” You can guess the rest. Peeturd is out and soon so is everyone else.
Unfortunately for Laura he’s actually read hers. “It’s substandard quality.” he tells her “The content is appalling.” You can guess the rest. Peeturd is out and soon so is everyone else.
Laura is horribly turded – she has a shitty product, no writing talent and no business skills but she’s learnt an important lesson in the Den. Oh wait, no she hasn’t. “I’m not going to change anything” she says clearly taking a cue from the X Factor auditionees twat tape compilations. Laura will be bankrupt and begging loan sharks for mercy in 30 seconds and that’s the polite censored version.
Next up are Timo Schmidt and James Carter who are looking to secure £100,000 for 7% equity in their Gousto operation, a company that delivers gourmet organic recipe ingredients right to your door. They ask if any of the Dragons would like to have a shot at cooking one of their recipes. Medung snarls that she hasn’t cooked in 28 years – she employs a mute eunuch to wipe crumbs from her mouth – but Jock McSlasher can’t wait to get into it. The food is good, the guys are articulate and it’s exactly the kind of pointless high-end luxury service which bastards like the Dragons use in their everyday Downton Abbey lives. And yet there’s a small problem. These shitbirds are losing £25,000 a month as things stand. Medung and Smelly run screaming in horror at these figures and Pies and Peeturd follow soon.
It’s looking like a bum week so some worthless advertising scum could be just the tonic we need. Dean, Tris and Ben are flogging their Linkee concept. It’s a straightforward shouty-out boardgame where you guess the link between the answers to 4 separate questions. It’s visually appealing and so simple a 9/11 truther could understand it. It’s a neat and concise pitch – they’re advertising scum so you’d expect that. They want £50,000 for 10% equity. What you reckon, guys? Guys?
Blownes has had experience here as well. His boardgame sold 15,000 copies in 19 seconds and he made feck all. It’s a tough sector is his point. I mean, how much have they made so far? £6000 is the net. It’s not quite stellar is it? McSlasher wants 40%. They can stretch to 15%. Dean asks if there’s any wiggle room and Jock looks at him like he’s about to pull his spinal cord through his mouth “The only wiggle room, you wee radge, is the wiggle room I create when my boot exits your colon. Doss cunt” he says silently. Even though the Dragons quite like Linkee it’s a bust and they walk out empty-handed and back into the arms of their advertising overlord Satan.
Dean asks if there’s any wiggle room and Jock looks at him like he’s about to pull his spinal cord through his mouth “The only wiggle room, you wee radge, is the wiggle room I create when ma boot exits your colon. Doss cunt” he says silently.
There are some real shitheads in the Den this time and final victim Richard Ernest doesn’t seem much better at first. His company RemPods sells these strange backdrops for patients with dementia – a haven for people to reminisce: a piece of scenery with an old TV, retro wallpaper and newspapers. It’s quite bizarre. After making some unfounded claims about saving the NHS money on antipsychotics his pitch looks like it’s circling the bowl alarmingly. Nonetheless Devourer and Peeturd make a joint offer of £100,000 for 45%. Peeturd oddly stipulates that he doesn’t want to profit from dementia and stipulates that 10% of profits should go to charity on an annual basis forever.
I think the old boy’s losing his edge.
The verdict: Linkee? Stinky.
Marks out of 10: 7
¹ Stupid.
² Shitheaded.
