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Previously on Clownton: Rose danced with a black boy and Edith got some dick off her sap of a borefriend. It’s the week of Robert‘s party and Rose has booked Jack Ross‘s band as a big birthday surprise to his party. I’ll say it’s a fucking surprise. There hasn’t been a black man in Downton Abbey since ever and the closest they got were the lampshades made from the skin of horsewhipped slaves they had imported from the Caribbean in the 1820s. Monster Mash Mary isn’t too concerned as she is preoccupied clashing with Napier‘s colleague Mister Blake. He wants to examine her estate. Many men have been in that position. He makes it pretty obvious he thinks she’s a parasitic aristocrat skank which is undeniably true. She will almost certainly end up banging Mister Blake, yet another one of Napier’s friends, as hopelessly friendzoned Napier masturbates furiously over the spectacle, hot salty tears of rage and regret burning his cheeks.
There hasn’t been a black man in Downton Abbey since ever and the closest they got were the lampshades made from the skin of horsewhipped slaves they had imported from the Caribbean in the 1820s.
Also unlucky in love is Edith. Michael’s disappeared which is a bummer for her because she’s pregnant. Is Michael on some hit it, quit it and forgit it shit? Whatever the reason it’s a serious problem. This is the 1920s. It’s not like Breathless where you can kill babies and ruin vaginas on a whim. Edith needs to find a husbland and quick.
This is the 1920s. It’s not like Breathless where you can kill babies and ruin vaginas on a whim.
Thankfully this episode is light on Branson Pickle the Mick who is waiting to go to America – a whole new continent to bore. No doubt when the American remake of Clownton comes we can expect Branson to turd it up, telling everyone how much he ruvved Hot Sybil, how he doesn’t fit in anywhere and how the revolution will not be televised. Dreary nause.
When the big reveal of the Jack Ross band comes it’s rather akin to the scene in Blazing Saddles when Cleavon Little rides into town (“the sheriff’s a…” well, you know).”It makes you want to jig about doesn’t it?” says Mrs Patmore. “You can’t call them that any more” says Carson who joins in the fun by blacking up and singing “Sonny Boy”. Rose gets to make out with the big scary black man which is certainly a first for Clownton.
But what’s right is right – soon enough order is restored. Robert has the fuzzy wuzzy taken out and shot.
But what’s right is right – soon enough order is restored. Robert has the fuzzy wuzzy taken out and shot. It was a different time but let’s face it Yorkshire really hasn’t changed that much.
The verdict: If we could just fast forward to the part where Bates kills rapey Den…
Marks out of 10: 7