Big Brother 2007 – the only article you’ll ever have to read

Yes, that was the cry of the summer or at least the seemingly endless weeks the Big Brother producers kept motor mouth horror Charley Uchea in the house against the will of everybody in the world. They mocked God with their transparent gerrymandering and paid the price with some frak awful viewing figures – the worst in the show’s history. The show had an air of lazy incompetence about it from the start and reached its nadir in the incomprehensible Halfway House series of twists which led to exactly the same outcome as every year – the dreary newbies being voted out. But it is only upon a couple of weeks’ reflection that you can really sum up a summer’s worth of Big Brother. And Aerial Telly is now ready to give his final verdict on the runners and riders.

"Nicky- this revolting little bint was a man-hating turd, Olympic standard cockblock and lying fucknut."

Gerry – while capable of being witty and a decent enough person, Gerry was often a sneering sex-obsessed pseud who seemed to view much of the proceedings with disdain.

Nicky – this revolting little bint was a man-hating turd, Olympic standard cockblock and lying fucknut. Her shameless Chinese whispers campaign against Jonathan supposed ‘perving’ over her was her defining moment. The venomous cretin deserved every one of the boos that greeted her exit.

"Tracey – awful one-dimensional Mister Punch looking emotional cripple only capable of communicating in rave cliche like every other dance music gimp you’ve ever met."

Brian – a child in a man’s body, this boy was a worthy winner as he was a fan, aficionado and humble servant of the show.

Tracey – awful one-dimensional Mister Punch looking emotional cripple only capable of communicating in rave cliche like every other dance music gimp you’ve ever met.

Chanelle – a lovely piece of pie given to walking round the house in her Frenchies. Funny and sweet on a good day, she could have won Big Brother has she not been caught up in the Ziggy drama which tended to bring out her petulance and paranoia.

"Shanessa, unleashing her off-white, dried pancake mixture drippings, last turkey in the shop, King Charles Spaniel’s ears, pair of blancmange servings with two warts on top, Kentucky Fried Chicken abattoir breasts on the British people."

Jonathan – voice of sanity and no-nonsense good guy who would be beset by Nicky with her bullshit accusations and the death of his grandmother.

Shanessa – terrifying cross between Lynne Perrie and Mary Doll Nesbitt who gave the world’s least welcome lapdance to Brian and Liam unleashing her off-white, dried pancake mixture drippings, last turkey in the shop, King Charles Spaniel’s ears, pair of blancmange servings with two warts on top, Kentucky Fried Chicken abattoir¹ breasts on the British people.

"Laura – this wobbly ball of spite rivalled Nicky as cockblock of the year before setting her nasty chav self permanently on the sofa to sweat, burp and fart her way back-to- oblivion ."

Billi – waste of space walking haircut with Henry’s Cat voice and a face you wouldn’t grow tired of stamping on in a hurry.

David – poisonous cretinous fat shit pissing around in a fucking dress. Kicked out at first opportunity.

Laura – an early favourite, this wobbly ball of spite rivalled Nicky as cockblock of the year before setting her nasty chav self permanently on the sofa to sweat, burp and fart her way back-to- oblivion

Carole – unbearable controlling wannabe matriarch with unhealthy obsession with the sexual health of the younger house members.

"Sam and Amanda – lovely, charming and delightful pieces of twin pie, the Pink Alliance was a ray of sunshine in the house and on our screens."

Sam and Amanda – lovely, charming and delightful pieces of twin pie, the Pink Alliance was a ray of sunshine in the house and on our screens, notably for their subtly slutty underwear, their sofa bouncing ritual and ability to piss off Carole. A twincest home movie will surely send them international.

Ziggy – this thin-lipped cock was obsessed with his own portrayal to a painful degree leading to endless sentences that never reached their destination. Obsessed with being Mister Sensitive nice guy, he turned Chanelle into a maniac and revealed himself as a spineless jerk as he courted his girl’s tormentor Charley.

"Seany – unfunny pretend gay dressed by his mom. Reacted to eviction announcement as if the sun had run off with the moon."

Lesley – given that her sole contribution was pissing in the shower then pissing off, it’s hard to give Lesley much thought. Suffice to say she was yet another of those nimrods who enter the house each year apparently expecting some Renaissance art seminar. Not missed after she fucked off.

Shabaz – half-assed Amy Winehouse impersonator whose obsession with getting "the deals" after the show highlighted the problem with including people like her in the show

Seany – unfunny pretend gay dressed by his mom. Reacted to eviction announcement as if the sun had run off with the moon.

"Kara Louise – oh, who gives a fuck? Fat arsed bucktoothed crybaby twunt."

Liam – the smartest person in the house, the assured alpha male radiated good sense, seeing everything for what it was and unashamedly acting like a man in contrast to the abysmal vacillating Ziggy.

"Amy showed quite a lot of grit when enduring cold shoulder bullying from floppy tits, fat fuck and fuck face."

Kara Louise – oh, who gives a fuck? Fat arsed bucktoothed crybaby twunt.

Amy – otherwise faceless glamour model who showed quite a lot of grit when enduring cold shoulder bullying from floppy tits, fat fuck and fuck face.

But in the end, Amy got the deals. That’s all that matters in the end. The deals man. The deals…

The best thing about it: The twins

The worst thing about it: Churley

The verdict on Big Brother 2007 review: Looking shaky

Marks out of 10: 6

¹ Apologies to Stewart Lee