Being… N-Dubz
Channel 4
As explained in several previouslies Aerial Telly couldn’t give a tinker’s cuss what young people think. When he was a young ‘un himself he felt exactly the same. He didn’t listen to Danny Kendall so he won’t be listening to Sid from Skins. Jimmy Pursey, Joe Strummer, Bob Marley, John Lennon, Lord Byron and every voice of a generation past, present and future can all go fuck themselves. And as for all you scuzzy little activist bastards marching on this or that, picketing Primark or boycotting Nestle come back when you’ve paid some tax. You live at home with your mom or in a squat – you contribute nothing. Get a haircut, slime. Die pig, die pig, die pig, die. So when manager Jonathan Shalit says of his charges N-Dubz “they represent young Britain” it’s not effective mitigation for what follows.
“Comprising Mungo Jerry brat and face holocaust Dappy, his skanky cousin Tulisa and dopey schoolfriend Fazer, the trio achieved noteworthy success with 12-year-olds with their one-of-a-kind union of street science and bleeding edge beat making.”
Not that N-Dubz were ever the voice of anything but themselves. Comprising Mungo Jerry brat and face holocaust Dappy, his skanky cousin Tulisa and dopey schoolfriend Fazer, the trio achieved noteworthy success with 12-year-olds in recent summers with their one-of-a-kind union of street science and bleeding edge beat making. In keeping with the high-tech ethic of their music Being… N-Dubz employs “State-of-the-art technology” to get “virtually inside their heads”. “These amazing things called HeadCams” Manager Jonathan explains. They look suspiciously like 1980s camcorders strapped on PlayStation headsets with duct tape but Manager Jonathan hasn’t let us down so far so let’s go with him on this one.
“‘I’ve always said’ says Tulisa ‘You know you’re famous when you’ve got a book’. Well you’ve certainly never fucking read one.”
In a nightmare vision of Living La Vida N-Dubz we see them roll up to a Waterstones signing. Surrounded by books for the first time in their lives the band grow uneasy. “I’ve always said” says Tulisa “You know you’re famous when you’ve got a book”. Well you’ve certainly never fucking read one, toots. Fans start crying at the book signing, some of them before they’ve even read the book. “When people cry it’s emotional” says Dappy sagely. He’s right – I’m filling up myself over here.
And how about that Dappy? When not making death threats to girls or spitting on girls or cheating on girls or writing abusive songs about girls he’s a stalwart of the Government’s Anti-Bullying ‘R U Cyber Safe?’ campaign. I wonder how that’s working out for him. Tulisa has her hands full with these two. Being the only broad in the group sees her doing the work of three women – usually The Witches of Eastwick it’s true but for all her tardy timekeeping your sympathy is firmly with her.
“What I like about N-Dubz is that what you see is what you get. And what you get is a trio of half-starved, illiterate, smack talking, North London plebs doing dumb shit then laughing about it.”
What I like about N-Dubz is that what you see is what you get. And what you get is a trio of half-starved, illiterate, smack talking, North London plebs doing dumb shit then laughing about it. They seem to be a magnet for some seriously feeble controversy. Why, just today, Tulisa is spitting feathers in The Sun at Manager Jonathan for approving footage of her house being decorated leading to local scrotes breaking in and attempting (unsuccessfully) to make off with her plasma screen. The thing is though, she’ll mainly remember the laughter. These nimrods are enjoying their success. If any of you scumbags had a heart it would warm it.
The verdict on Being… N-Dubz: Tolerable.
Marks out of 10: 7.
Imagined: Tuesday, July 20, 2010
