Pete Burns’ Cosmetic Surgery Nightmares

ITV

Pete Burns is a vile bully who enjoys reducing women to tears on national television. But he doesn’t just cause human suffering – he’s lived through a bit as well. Or so he’d have you believe. And, to be fair, the idea of tumours sprouting up all over your face and pus squirting 6 ft on to the bathroom mirror from your collagen addled face, then being told your lips will have to be amputated, then the 100 plus reconstructive operations needed, mental breakdown and financial ruin doesn’t sound like a walk in the park.

"Pete Burns is a heartless pus ridden freak who looks like a giant porcelain fairy-tale monster – The Brothers Grimm voiced by Livy Savage."

But then what does sound like a walk in the park apart from "perambulating in the arboretum"? We all have our crosses to bear and Pete Burns’ is that he’s a heartless pus ridden freak who looks like a giant porcelain fairy-tale monster – The Brothers Grimm voice-overed by Livy Savage. There was something creepy about the words emitting from his motionless sculpted face as he presented Pete Burns’ Cosmetic Surgery Nightmares – a shadowy flight into the world of surgical fuck up.

“Susan’s facelift operation had left her "looking like Homer Simpson". Doh!”

He met a number of other victims of cosmetic surgery gone wrong, among them Susan whose facelift operation had left her "looking like Homer Simpson". "Doh!" she commented upon seeing her reflection. Well, if life gives you lemons you make lemonade. There’s an ever-growing celebrity lookalike circuit and I bet they’d go nuts if Susan painted herself yellow and turned up shouting "get lost Flanders!" and the like.

Susan’s time spent as a cartoon character has not put her off nipping and tucking – she confided that if she won the lottery she’d spend the money on more surgery. She’s aiming for Betty Rubble from The Flintstones next. Then there was mum-of-four and idiot glamour model wannabe Toni who was left with one 32B breast and one 32E breast after surgery in Prague costing more than £2,000. To me, she didn’t look any more ridiculous than she did with the medicine ball boobs she ended up with which she now hopes will propel her to fame as a skanky bobfoc of Britain’s blue collar masturbation massive. Live the dream, sister.

"She didn’t look any more ridiculous than she did with the medicine ball boobs she ended up with which she now hopes will propel her to fame as a skanky bobfoc of Britain’s blue collar masturbation massive."

Pete Burns lost his fortune, his career and almost his sanity trying to hack his face into place. As his tumour ridden carcass walked the earth wishing it was dead his boyfriend stood by him telling him "you’re more than just a scar". And he is. He’s also a mean-spirited douchebag and 900 ft tall horror show who looks and sounds like every episode of The Twilight Zone rolled into one. You may remember him as the "spin-me-right-round-like-a- record-baby" man or the plastic surgery victim/perpetrator but to me he’ll always be the predatory bully who was vile to Jodie Marsh and Traci Bingham on Celebrity Big Brother. Funny how these things define you.

The verdict on Pete Burns’ Cosmetic Surgery Nightmares : Perfectly adequate as these things go

Marks out of 10: 6