BBC One
It’s not all glamour being one of The Musketeers. This week they have the life threateningly tedious mission of safely delivering a blowhard merchant to the King. Emile Bonnaire (James Callis last seen banging robots three at a time on Battlestar Galactica as Gaius Balthar) is our boy – equal parts Flashheart and Long John Silver. He is under arrest for some bullshit or other and even when his hot wife Maria (Anna Skellern) aids his escape Porthos is awn the mother. His mother may have been a slave but she didn’t raise no fool – just a violent sociopath.
Porthos is awn the mother. His mother may have been a slave but she didn’t raise no fool – just a violent sociopath.
It seems there are quite a few people after Baltard for one reason or another. When their convoy is ambushed it’s his former business partner Paul Meunier behind it. In the set-to Porthos gets knifed and bleeds out like a trussed up pig. He’ll die if they don’t get to stitching and so Athos reluctantly takes them to his family home, conveniently situated nearby. Once they get there Athos knocks Porthos out like Kovalev did to Cleverly and Aramis stitches him up lovely. This gives us time for our favourite moment of the week: Athos flashback! The nice little stately home he once called his own sets Athos to reminiscing about the life he shared with Milady – dancing, laughing, putting his cock in her, betraying her for some unknown reason. And then his brother Thomas‘s funeral, Milady in her bra, corsets for goalposts, giving the stable boy a handjob. His memories are rudely interrupted when Baltard’s wife jacks them at gunpoint and steals her husbland. In what is an unfortunate development for her a following Spaniel shoots her in the tits, of all places, in the woods, of all places. Aramis plugs the filthy Spaniel and they recover Baltard and bring him back to base camp. They return to the furious freshly stitched patchwork quilt that is Porthos. By rummaging through his belongings he’s discovered that Baltard is a slave trader. He would have quite happily bought and sold Porthos’ mother. Porthos is right. Slavery is bad. It’s practically medieval but it’s technically not a crime. Athos tells him he needs to STFU and get this dick to Paris.
They return to the furious freshly stitched patchwork quilt that is Porthos. He’s discovered that Baltard is a slave trader.
But Athos is not finished with his own moping yet. He still nurses a sprained vagina over his past. It turns out Milady killed bre’er Thomas when he discovered that she was a criminal – information that could have put things between she and Athos on dicey ground. Athos tries to drink himself to death with shit wine that he can’t even do that properly. When he comes to me happens upon Milady burning his gaffe down. That’s funny, he was just thinking about her. “You’re dead” he notes incorrectly but she’s not a dick about it or anything. They snuggle. There’s still something there but she is determined to cut his throat. “Do it” he whispers but she just can’t kill him. He’s still quite fit. She escapes as the flames gather momentum and it’s left to D’Artagnan to save Athos. In return he gets the full story of his weird twisted past. He could have done without that and frankly we all could have. When they finally get Baltard to Paris the Cardinal hears tills ringing at his tales of the riches in the New World and he goes into partnership with him setting up tobacco plantations across the Antilles. He’ll be pissed, fucked and rich, living the high life on the misery of millions. It’s not quite the punishment the Musketeers were hoping for. Liberal media. Again.
Baltard faces the remainder of his days being spent being sexually assaulted in a Spanish dungeon
Still, he’s not looking so clever when they secretly deliver him to the Spaniels. As Baltard faces the remainder of his days being spent being sexually assaulted in a Spanish dungeon Athos broods about his own problems as Milady and her pumpum of doom lurk in the background.
The verdict: Hear him whip the women just around midnight.
Marks out of 10: 6