These days France is all race riots, Sieg Heiling footballers and Rachel Khoo but it was not always thus. Once it was all sword fights, royal assassinations and duels. One such duel opens the second episode of the Musketeers. D’Artagnan faces off against some overzealous tool in the woods and gets busted by the King’s RightGuard for illegal duelling. Running afoul of the law is second nature to these French dandies but this particular scrape is all a big ruse by those geniuses at Musketeer command central. Charismatic revolutionary villain Vadim (Jason Flemyng) is the target and D’Artagnan is their inside man. He’s inside a jail cell with him now so, homosexual liaisons aside, how much more inside could you get?
As D’Artagnan and Vadim sit like a pair of molesters in their cell waiting to be hanged they bond over betrayal and the various injustices life has shat their way. Vadim is not a morose fellow however and he assures D’Artagnan he will walk out of prison that very day with not a bother on him. It seems far-fetched but with an epic epileptic fit and a sock to the gaoler’s jaw he leads the best jailbreak this place has seen in days.
Meanwhile out in the Courtyard the Queen has arrived. Being a typical metropolitan liberal she’s adhering to the traditional Easter Pardoning of the Scrotes – a heartwarming ceremony where they drag the worst murderers and rapists they can find out of the dungeon pits, set them free and give them each a purse stuffed with coins. This cash-for-rape policy is alarmingly forward-thinking but once we ignore the media demonization of the criminalised I’m certain they they will go on to become really productive rapists in the community again.
The Queen has arrived. Being a typical metropolitan liberal she adhering to the traditional Pardoning of the Scrotes
“Mercy is more effective than any whip or gallows” she tells Craptain Treville who looks at her all “you dumb broad, are you inept?”
As if to underline his point D’Artagnan and Vadim burst into the courtyard with Vadim taking the Queen hostage to ensure their escape. He nine-irons her back to the Royalists as he GTFO and there’s serious heat between Aramis and her Majesty as he pinions her to the floor for her safety. Later, she gives him a necklace. He’s got a necklace he’d like to give to her – one currently swimming in his balls. Effing Aramis and his bozack are going to get them all killed.
Later, she gives him a necklace. He’s got a necklace he’d like to give to her – one currently swimming in his balls.
Once they have safe haven Vadim tells D’Artagnan his glorious plan: kill the king and queen! He wants revolution like Russell Brand and just like Russell Brand he hasn’t doesn’t really have any coherent philosophy behind it.
D’Artagnan brilliantly wins Vadim’s confidence and slips the Musketeers a copy of his diabolical plan to slay the king and queen at the Notre Dame Easter mass where the royals always show their mugs. Only problem is Vadim is playing him like a harpsichord. He rumbles the sap with the help of his hooker Suzette Pinot Grigot. He dumps him in chains in the tunnels under the Louvre with 3 billion tonnes of gunpowder. The candle Vadim lights will burn down and blow him to fuck and how will he feel then? Red faces all round is my guess.
As the Royal procession makes its way to the cathedral Vadim’s lackbrain friend Felix runs through the crowd like a really shit Michael Stone at Milltown Cemetery lobbing bombs at everyone and fails abysmally in his assassination attempt. To be fair Vadim giving him a bunch of dud bombs with no gunpowder did stymie the effort somewhat. Just what is the villain up to?
Vadim’s fuckwit friend Felix runs through the crowd like a really shit Michael Stone at Milltown Cemetery lobbing bombs at everyone
Ever on the case with these things Athos realises then Vadim has no interest in killing the King – he just wants to rob him. Shawty is all about the money – dollar, dollar bill y’all. While the palace is unguarded Vadim bombs his way to the Queen’s private stash of bling – emeralds, gold, diamonds – all that shit. He sticks the Crown Jewels in a sack and gets the dip in. It’s a sweet heist and no mistake.
But like all criminal masterminds his fatal weakness is grandstanding. Leaving an enemy alone to die via a countdown device is just asking for trouble. D’Artagnan escapes with seconds to spare and ends up fatally kebabing his would-be partner in crime and everyone heaves a huge sigh of relief. The grotesque wealth of a privileged elite is preserved while the peasantry starve. The world is as it should be.
Everyone heaves a huge sigh of relief. The grotesque wealth of a privileged elite is preserved while the peasantry starve.
In a semi-interesting development Milady plugs the hooker and retrieves a diamond pendant Vadim stole some from the palace years previous. She keeps it for herself because while a kiss on the hand may be quite continental unprovoked murder of sex workers is a girl’s best friend. I think she still wants D’Artagnan to put his cock in her. I’d say that’s a pretty safe bet.
The verdict: Milady gaga.
Marks out of 10: 6