BBC2
Yes, it’s had human tragedy, beef jerky and history’s worst fashion magazine but you know what Dragons’ Den has been missing? Drains. Bob Cave and Steve Parsons are keen to put an end to that. “We’ve got something wonderful we want you to love – because it’s fantastic”. It’s the Easy Lift Drain – a drain cover you can lift easily. Already, I’m in¹. As he delivers his sermon Blob has the red-faced, fat and sweaty demeanour of a man being chased by debt collectors, ex-wives and the lap dancer whose G-string he just shoved a wad of Monopoly money into. “So, let the drain take the strain” concludes Blob as he collapses through the effort of staying on his feet for longer than 5 minutes.
£100,000 investment for 25% is their hope. Devourer bails first based on the unit cost. Jock McSlasher asks them how much money they’ve invested just so he can make a crack about it being “money down the drain” and he’s oot. Retrofitting for existing systems seems the big issue stopping investment in what actually looks like a half decent invention. Blob looks like he’s about to drown himself in a septic tank. Steve looks like he already has.
As he delivers his sermon Blob has the red-faced, fat and sweaty demeanour of a man being chased by debt collectors, ex-wives and the lap dancer whose G-string he just shoved a wad of Monopoly money into.
Next on the agenda is the heartbreaking issue of women with bras that don’t fit. Sisters Sue McDonald and Linda Birtwistle enter with a plastic surgeon called Atul Khanna. Sue begins the pitch: “80% of women wear the wrong bra” (what – someone else’s?) and it causes “devastating physiological and psychological issues” – mainly for the men who have to remove them LMAOPMSL. Atotul Khunta emotionally quotes Victor Hugo “Nothing is more powerful than an idea whose time has come.” We’re still talking about girl’s bras though, right?
We are. Their Optifit bra home measuring kit aims to solve the problem but the complexity of the kit baffles Smelly and, as established in the last episode, Devourer pays a servant to hold her breasts in place so she doesn’t see the need for it. She’s not the only one. The bra and pants sector have reacted with devastating indifference to the innovation. “Resistance from the industry means your product doesn’t work” says McSlasher not unreasonably. Everybody’s out like gay pride and Optifit is thrown on the burning shitpile.
Their Optifit bra home measuring kit aims to solve the problem but the complexity of the kit baffles Smelly and, as established in the last episode, Devourer pays a servant to hold her breasts in place so doesn’t see the need for it.
Perhaps Richard Bowness and Steve Tonkin‘s Truncator invention will fare better? It’s a new kind of saw horse – a device that secures wood while it’s being chopped. The Truncator performs well in the demonstration, increases safety and productivity and looks pretty nifty. And then the questions come (you might want to look away at this point if you dislike train derailments, tire blowouts and other automotive foul-ups).
When Peeturd asks him what the market is Richard looks like it’s the first time he’s heard or thought of the question. He blusters “because the market is so big we can’t actually ascertain where it is” which is one of the more bizarre rationalisations for not knowing who the fuck you’re going to sell to. Unsurprisingly the pair don’t know their sums given that one of their variables is missing.
He blusters “because the market is so big we can’t actually ascertain where it is” which is one of the more bizarre rationalisations for not knowing who the fuck you’re going to sell to.
Evan Davis says at this point that this has ruffled the feathers of the Dragons. Dragons don’t have feathers, Evan – they are covered in scales, scorch marks and human faeces. As the Dragons try and explain to Richard the benefit of having people ready to buy your product he gets sassy and tells them he’s impressed with their pluck as non-choppers telling a gigantic chopper like him the Tao of chopping. Jock McSlasher is not going to dignify that with a fuck off and he’s out. Devourer makes a clear death threat to Richard “I’ll kill you, you piece of shit. How would we work together? We would kill each other” (subtext mine). The Truncator is truncated. Bye Richard! That went… well, it went.
As the Dragons try and explain to Richard the benefit of having people ready to buy your product he gets sassy and tells them he’s impressed with their pluck as non-choppers telling a gigantic chopper like him the Tao of chopping.
We end on a happy note though with Cheryl McDonald getting £50,000 for 35% of her Yoga Bellies yoga pregnancy franchise. The money comes from Jock McSlasher who once beat a hippy to death with his own yoga mat² so she’s taking quite a risk. But business is all about taking risks as is life and if you can’t see that there’s a buck to be made from mindless hippy savagery then frankly you don’t deserve to be alive.
The verdict: A wood in anyone’s book.
Marks out of 10: 7.5
¹ By which I mean in a sniper’s nest.
² Incident may not have happened.
