BBC Two
In what is an interesting gambit for Dragons’ Den entrepreneurs David Solomons and Mike Edwards come on with two Tiny Tears baby dolls in blankets. They are flogging their Snugglebundl invention – a baby blanket with handles. Peeturd Blownes points out that it’s just a baby blanket with handles. Au contraire, Peeturd. Snugglebundl eases strain on the back when lowering a baby down to sleep. Smelly Ploppen thinks it’s brilliant as a lifetime ago she gave birth herself – a child she sacrificed to the White Walkers like Gilly on Game of Thrones. But as is so often the case with these freaks they price themselves out of the market and Jock McSlasher personally boots them down the stairs.
Perhaps they could use a sports recovery drink like nouriSHmenow? This concoction is the brainchild of Team GB triathlete Lynwen Harrison and someone she met at a bus stop. Made of yoghurt, milk and fruit picked by slaves it couldn’t be more natural. Their philosophy is “no chemicals, just nature – you can’t lose”. This is legit because it’s well-established that there are no chemicals in nature. The drink is even powering the heroes of Sheffield United to their current success (second bottom League One) so this is a formidable pitch.
Their philosophy is “no chemicals, just nature – you can’t lose”. This is legit because it’s well-established that there are no chemicals in nature.
And yet for some unfathomable reason the Dragons aren’t blown away. Smelly thinks there’s too much sugar, Pies thinks the bottle makes it look like drain cleaner; the lifespan is two weeks because of the dairy and Peeturd points out that’s shite. Jock McSlasher informs them that he owns some gyms (but he doesn’t like to talk about it). They will never sell to a big chain like his because he’ll murder them first. Correctly anticipating the physical assault that will soon follow the triathlete and her friend scarper without a pot to piss in. They are in an unforgiving mood tonight.
Maybe Joe Nelson can change that? The former trader with Goldman Sachs has an Internet start-up selling made-to-measure condoms. He wants a mere £200,000 for a giant 10% in his cuntpany. Peeturd begins by noting that having 95 different sizes is silly, gimmicky and unworkable. Smelly Ploppen follows up by saying you never hear people complaining about the size of condoms and she was Sienna Miller‘s stepmom so she should know.
Smelly Ploppen says you never hear people complaining about the size of condoms and she was Sienna Miller’s stepmom so she should know.
It’s not a mass-market idea, the patent’s bullshit and they all seem to really hate him – he has that snake oil salesmen air about him. Joe doesn’t need condoms – his shit idea and overzealous pitching act as very effective contraceptives.
Finally there’s some joy for one of the victims. Amer Hasan‘s Minicabit price comparison app looks a tidy piece of kit. The taxi firms play a 10 percent commission and £1 booking fee and the punters get the best deals. It’s a nice idea and Amer has the balls to negotiate the shit out of them. He ends up being spit roasted by Peeturd and Devourer. They vow to decapitate him if he doesn’t make them money in the first year. He is in no position to argue.
The verdict: I had that Theo Paphitis in the back of my cab once.
Marks out of 10: 7.5
