Channel 4

In Big Brother the woman always gets it first.  Sada, Penny, Lynne, Anouska, Vanessa, Mary, Bonnie, Shabnam, Sophia – like those other great feminist martyrs Sylvia Plath, Emmeline Pankhurst and Joss Stone they lined up to face a firing squad of crazy bitches. Their tormentors stood cackling, armed with mobile phones, "FUCK YOU" in their eyes and their eviction numbers on redial. In ten series of Big Brother not once have the female voters dispatched a man first so it was no surprise when in the final Celebrity Big Brother they first got rid of Katia "Monkeyfucker" Ivanova and then quickly followed her up with Heidi "eyebrow plucker" Fleiss. There’s something we forgot to say to you:  sisters are doing it to themselves.

"Katia: this strange, pale creepy little thing does swim from person to person like a translucent sea creature looking to wrap her tentacles round whatever warm-blooded organism she can find."

Now Katia of course is famous for having a relationshit with coke-blitzed capuchin monkey Ronnie Wood from the Rolling Stones.  A barely comprehensible mushmouth, Katia was brilliantly described by Stephanie Beacham as "a beautiful orchid", someone "with no roots of her own".  That’s possibly the most lyrical reason I’ve ever heard given for a Big Brother nomination.  Admittedly, the bar is not set very high but this strange, pale creepy little thing does swim from person to person like a translucent sea creature looking to wrap her tentacles round whatever warm-blooded body she can find.

Just like outside of the house she was "that freak who was fucking Ronnie Wood" inside the house she was defined by her relationshit with Basshunter, a man for whom even basic social skills are the most distant of dreams. It began when he told her he could totally admire a girl who farts.  Then, when she dumped him, she said if another girl came into the house who likes to fart, he would have found happiness with her.  It was a terrible tragedy. It could have been a love affair that spanned the ages. Like The Thorn Birds but with fart sound effects

“Quickly following the mumblefish monkeyfucker down the steps was Heidi Fleiss. A real beauty in her youth, plastic surgery has smashed her visog beyond recognition.”

Quickly following the mumblefish monkeyfucker down the steps was Heidi Fleiss. A real beauty in her youth, plastic surgery has smashed her visog beyond recognition.  We may never know why celebrities don’t heed the walking breathing reminders¹ that cosmetic surgery screws you up.   Amanda Holden still has a pretty face – she just can’t move it which, for an actress, is something of a handicap.  Saffron Burrows looks like the fricking Joker now but what no one can seem to agree on is
who Heidi Fleiss now resembles? Here are the runners and riders:

Aerosmith front man Steve Tyler after being hit in the face with a frying pan
Dead or Alive woman hater Pete Burns looking at himself in the back of the spoon
Iggy Pop in a wind tunnel
A shop damaged PJ Harvey
Edvard Munch’s The Scream
Chrissie Hynde’s autopsy

A strong field but Aerial Telly believes as she becomes more haggard, hollow eyed and demonic she’s actually turning into Iron Maiden‘s mascot Eddie.   Come the next Maiden tour that motherfucker will be shifting T-shirts like there’s no tomorrow.

¹ In the case of Lesley Ash, barely walking and breathing.

Imagined: Saturday, January 16, 2010