Jordan and Peter: Marriage And Mayhem
ITV
Around the time Jordan was confirmed to be entering the jungle for I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here you couldn’t move in the quality press for people lauding her arrival like it was the chance to show our finest unacknowledged business genius to the world.
"A consummate businesswoman" said The Guardian; "a natural beauty, imbued with empathy, humour, maturity, brains and charisma" wrote The Independent on Sunday, "a 21st-century goddess."
said lovely Victoria Coren.
"This must have been a huge disappointment for the broadsheet columnists who were apparently expecting a cross between Indira Gandhi and Bill Gates."
"Ooh, you’ll see" the received wisdom went, "She’ll surprise a lot of people. She’s going to show what a classy, sassy business laydeh she is. She’s NOBODY’S fool and HIGHLY intelligent."
When the time came, of course, she spent her whole time hiking her knickers out of her arse and scratching her tits. This must have been a huge disappointment for the broadsheet columnists who were apparently expecting a cross between Indira Gandhi and Bill Gates.
“She paid thousands to get stuck a load of shit in her tits and become a grotesque parody of femininity that men would want to wank over.”
Let’s get this straight about Jordan. She paid thousands to get a load of shit stuck in her tits and become a grotesque parody of femininity that men would want to wank over. She then fucked a load of celebrity turds, one of whom pumped his defective sperm deep into her belly and gave her spawn. She then fucked the brains out of stammering Pop Idol loser G-Gareth G-G-Gates while six months pregnant – a fact he understandably denied for some time.
None of the above makes her a Harvard MBA, or Joan of Arc or even Linda Lusardi. Her success means her agent knew the right asking price for photographs of her ridiculous motionless tits. That is all.
And now she’s cashing in on her relationship with Peter Andre by making Jordan and Peter: Marriage And Mayhem a warts-and-all fly-on-the-wall. Nothing wrong with that just, please, no more of that "shrewd businesswoman" shite.
Intriguingly voice-overed by Janine from EastEnders the show apparently gets an access all areas pass into the lives of Peter and Katie. It seems to act chiefly as the vehicle for Jordan’s patented checkout girl candour. She helpfully tells Andre "I’ve told them – you didn’t always shoot in me all the time" while explaining her pregnancy to the camera.
Katie’s make-up artist tells how she enters his room as Katie and he magically transforms her into Jordan. Throughout the show people talk about the Jordan character as if it was some magnificent Peter Sellers creation. How could two such different people co-exist in the same body? No matter that the engaging vacuous tramp Katie is indistinguishable from the engaging vacuous tramp Jordan.
"Peter plays well with Harvey which is more than Dwight ever did so good for him."
There’s loving footage of Harvey the fat, blind, diabetic son of misunderstood serial shagger Dwight "so good they named him Dwight" Yorke. Peter plays well with Harvey which is more than Dwight ever did so good for him.
We are treated to a unique insight into Jordan’s obstetrics. Things go well until shortly before the delivery when it appears there’s a membrane above the cervix that isn’t shifting like it ought to. You wonder briefly if this will slip into Bodies territory but an emergency c-section does the job.
Jordan gives the 411 on post-natal care. "They wash my fanny, put a catheter in it. I won’t tell Pete, and I’ll say to him "Pete, do you fancy some?" And I’ll pull the covers off and he’ll see the bag there! " Cue: much cackling laughter.
It’s not all laffs though as Jordan’s sciatica has forced a lull in their love life during her pregnancy. "He just got a suck and a feel of the bollocks" she explains. Well, marriage is all about compromise.
“Happy people are boring. There’s an implacable trend among Couplescum towards tedium.”
It all reminds me of Britney and Kevin: Chaotic. Two mismatched people keen to show the public that their relationship is for real. Richard Gere and Cindy Crawford took out a full-page ad in The Times to this end. I wonder how that’s working out for them?
This relationship is more convincing than Britney and Kevin’s. Well, Peter seems less likely to stray than Kevin. I guess what’s wrong with this whole show is that they seem to be happy and happy people are boring. There’s an implacable trend among Couplescum towards tedium. The Osbournes remain funny because there’s conflict. Mum and Dad v teenagers, Sharon v the neighbours, Ozzy v sobriety – the bad times keep on rolling. Nobody really cares that Jordan luvs Pete 4 Evah.
She shouldn’t worry too much. Her legendary business acumen will no doubt see her ousting Sir Alan Sugar as The Apprentice guv’nor for the third series. Don’t think her agent hasn’t already made the move.
The best thing about it: Blind Harvey doing his Little Stevie Wonder impersonation, playing the piano with his fists.
The worst thing about it: Nothing of interest will ever, ever happen.
The verdict on Jordan and Peter: Marriage And Mayhem : You had Burton and Taylor and we get this?
Marks out of 10: 5
