BBC Four
Previously on The Bridge: You can’t move for “pathos-driven eco-terrorism”. You know the kind of thing: biological warfare, child killing, fucking up Polish lorry drivers. Pathos, Keith, pathos! On the lorry driver thing? Not content with ruining his face, shipment and brain the Friends of Faxborg blow up his tanker. Four people are missing and I’ll wager that when they find them they’ll be missing a few body parts.
Four people are missing and I’ll wager that when they find them they’ll be missing a few body parts.
But enough of those blackhearted monsters intent on ruining our way of life because they hate freedom. Let’s make a new friend and say hi to Caroline Brandstrup-Julin, head of the EU climate change conference. Hi Caroline! And happy birthday! It may be her birthday but the Friends of Faxborg left her with a real bag of shit to hold when they murdered Professor Boris Williams who was to be keynote speaker at her conference. It gets worse later when husbland Alexander announces her birthday present: breast implants. It’s symptomatic of both a decaying marriage and a pair of norks that have seen better days.
Alexander announces her birthday present: breast implants. It’s symptomatic of both a decaying marriage and a pair of norks that have seen better days.
Back at the Copenhagen Technical College for Inappropriate Lesbian Relationships Beate is in a beate of bother. She’s called into the principal’s office. There’s been an allegation of pumpum abuse. “I can explain” she says. The principal bids her go on. “The pussy was fresh, yo”. It doesn’t fly. Beate is shitcanned. It looks like Laura‘s creepy daddy reported it. UGH.
There’s been an allegation of pumpum abuse. “I can explain” she says. The principal bids her go on. “The pussy was fresh, yo”.
Beate confronts the young skank in front of her fellow students. “A fucking pair of shoes?” she howls “My career down the drain for a pair of shoes!” (And I’d do it all again she says to herself quietly because the pussy was fresh, yo). Laura responds by taking the temporary reception job at work that Julian told her about. That Julian. He’s just the best.
“My career down the drain for a pair of shoes!” (And I’d do it all again she says to herself quietly because the pussy was fresh, yo).
OR IS HE? He meets his sister Mathilde, evil Friend of Faxborg, at the hospital visiting some poorly relative. He mentions some mysterious other force who he thinks “will be pleased” by their improvised and completely unauthorised explosion at the harbour. SPOILER alert: they will not be pleased.
He thinks they “will be pleased” by their unauthorised explosion at the harbour. SPOILER alert: they will not be pleased.
When he’s not desperately seeking for Saga‘s approval Rasmus appears to have a shady side all his own. He recognises Kattis in the protest crowd photos and secretly whizzes round to her flat but the moment he blurts out his name, rank and serial number he gets maced by Mathilde for his trouble. He returns hours later blaming a bullshit nut allergy for his absence. What’s the name of your game, Rasmus? Does it mean anything to you?
What’s the name of your game, Rasmus? Does it mean anything to you?
It looks as if Dickless may be growing some testes when he refuses to meet up with the other Friends but once Mathilde sends round Julian to pressure him he folds like a freshly laundered doilie. As Julian berates him in the flats’ car park Linus the Human Torch shows him how a real G operates, creeping down to street level to graffiti Julian’s car door with a cock and balls. Just as he returns Saga and Martin barge in searching for Dickless as their quarry smokes a fag downstairs in the car park, blissfully unaware. Just in time Linus screams at him to GTFO, advice he is only too happy to take with the quickness. I like this barbecued kid – he knows how to operate.
Linus the Human Torch shows him how a real G operates, creeping down to street level to graffiti Julian’s car door.
Things are moving ahead at Julian’s IT company where he has a weird coded Internet chat on a parenting website as Stressed Out Dad with a character going by the name of Mother of Three. Mother of Three would like to meet the “kids” to “congratulate” and “celebrate” with them for their brilliant unauthorised tanker explosion. Hurray! Make no mistake: It will be party of the year. Wooooo! Spring Break!
Make no mistake: It will be party of the year. Wooooo! Spring Break!
The news reaches the Friends. They are meeting some “higher ups” tonight in a spooky old industrial area. Oh yeah the four friends “meet” alright….. meet their MAKER when they are brutally deaded by persons unknown. That’s filicide, Mother of Three! The only mother you are is a motherfucker. You’d get the ban hammer from Mumsnet like that.
Oh yeah the four friends “meet” alright….. meet their MAKER when they are brutally deaded by persons unknown.
In news everyone stopped caring about some time ago Martin goes through with the visit with Jens. There’s some shitty “we are not so different” chat and they really need to do something with this sap or bump him off. I’ve had it with that dope. Truth Terrorist is yesterday’s news. We’ve got us some new Friends.
The verdict: Mother you had me but I never had you.
Marks out of 10: 8