BBC1

Springtime is here and that means hope, renewal, hayfever and a new season of The Apprentice. Has it really been a year since we first met Lee McQueen, Michael Sophocles and Rottweiler Claire? Yes. Yes it has. One of Aerial Telly‘s patented runners-and-riders rundowns you say? If you absolutely insist.

Anita Shah, 35. The mug of the business strategist from Birmingham rang a bell (a cowbell).  It took Aerial Telly a while to place the face (Fright Night?  Hall of Mirrors?) but then he realised that Anita had chatted him up in a pub approximately six months previous.  He gets approached so frequently by females while he is out and about it is difficult to put a name to every face He is happy to report that she was quite good company and as such he will be going easy on her for the rest of this review. ¹

“Kate’s business hero is Samantha from Sex and the City so expect a loudmouth, unfunny, poorly scripted, infinitely punchable twat (with, it must be said, very pretty eyes)”

Debra Barr, 24.  Hailing from Surrey the 24-year-old senior sales consultant is fixing to be this year’s Kuntie Hopkunt but she has more of the physical and psychological attributes of Jenny Celerier, last year’s poisonous 666 number of the Chinbeast harpie. Shitgibbon.

Kate Walsh, 27.  The Hampshire-based licensing development manager is this year’s pie candy.  Her business hero is Samantha from Sex and the City so expect a loudmouth, unfunny, poorly scripted clown (with, it must be said, very pretty eyes). Plopbag.

Kimberly Davis, 33.  Kimberly is from the South Bronx, South South Bronx. “I am not the stereotypical New Yorker and it’s a stereotype I’ve faced.” she says.  She goes on to say “I’m a rough tough cream puff from New York” whatever the figgy pudding that means.  A marketing consultant by trade, Kimberly is also a successful classical musician.  That is less likely to impress the philistine Sugarlumps than anything else I can think of. Twatmonger.

“This means everything to Lorraine so she can dump her children and give herself a fat cash injection that she never had.”

Lorraine Tighe, 36.  She is a mother of two so this means everything to her to give her children the start in life she never had. Oh sorry, this isn’t the X Factor is it? This means everything to her so she can dump her children and give herself a fat cash injection that she never had.  Sugarlumps frowns on fecundity so you can expect the National Accounts Manager to be making a dismal midseason exit.  Particularly as she admires Victoria Beckham for the love of fuck. Airhead.

Mona Lewis, 28.  She’s a senior business manager.  She’s a Tanzanian beauty queen.  She’s a ballsy, gallsy, palsy mother of one.  She’s constantly running her fucking mouth.  Comes across as a bit of a freak but seems entertaining.  Expect fireworks from this one. Dipshit.

“Paula is an academic in a discipline only tangentially relevant to the core disciplines of costing, selling and being a cunt that are central to The Apprentice philosophy.”

Paula Jones, 29. The human resources consultant from Walsall has one of those job titles that causes Alan Sugar to say things like “I don’t know what your blaady job is. A consultant?  Human resources? Fack orrrfff!” Like the Cylons, she HAS A PLAN though as it involves “being liked and shying away from conflict” you feel that she is not long for this world.  She’s an academic in a discipline only tangentially relevant to the core disciplines of costing, selling and being a cunt that are central to The Apprentice philosophy. End it now, doll. Fuckfingers.

“Ben says that ‘making money is better than sex’. Eating sandpaper and chilli is better than sex with you, you fucking teed.”

Yasmina Siadatan, 27. – “Make more than you spend” says the London based restauranteur “That’s what I do, I keep business simple and it works”.  Well, she certainly talks Sugarlump’s language but if I know my Apprentice in next week’s catering task she will insist on being team captain, buy 500 chickens for one pizza and be fired for losing Sir Alan’s “blaady money ” Dickmonkey.

Ben Clarke, 22.  The pie-faced Belfast trainee stockbroker (trainee, mind) worked as a Gavin Henson lookalike (Gavin Henson – the Nandos years?) before finding his true vocation as a ruthless and money-obsessed bastard.  In a totally predictable and depressingly trite comment he tells us that “making money is better than sex”.  Eating sandpaper with chillis is better than sex with you, you fucking teed. Scrotal herp.

“James has been a child chess champion, doorman and trolley collector and you can expect him to be reacquainting himself with at least two of those professions in the near future”

Howard Ebison, 24.  He’s from Derby, runs 10 pubs and is an award-winning dancer.  Now, whenever someone describes something they do as “award-winning” without specifying the award you know they’re full of shit.  I don’t think he really “runs” 10 pubs either.  Bastardballs.

James McQuillan, 32. The senior commercial manager from Surrey, James describes himself as a “schmoozer” despite very specific counsel from Sugar that he DON’T LIKE SCHMOOZERS.  He’s been a child chess champion, doorman and trolley collector and you can expect him to be reacquainting himself with at least two of those professions in the near future. Pissgargler.

“Majid was expelled from school once but now he just talks about it a great deal. He has the demeanour of a professional and the beard of a cunt. He is a lot like Sugar in this.”

Majid Nagra, 28.  The reformed rebel from Coventry is a business development manager.  He was expelled from school once but now he just talks about it a great deal.  He has the demeanour of a professional and the beard of a cunt.  He is a lot like Sugar in this. Facefist.

Noorul Choudhury, 33.  One day he hopes to be a millionaire but for now he is a science teacher.  Never one to shy away from cliché, platitude or meaningless aphorism, Noorul sees business as a “dog eat dog game that you must play to win” And, no doubt, he will be giving 120% and “quite literally” putting his life on the line in the show. Tool.

Phillip Taylor, 29.  The County Durham estate agent was fucking pie candy Kate during his time on the Apprentice so he deserves props for that.  He’s prone to saying things like “Business is the new rock ‘n’ roll and I’m Elvis Presley” which may explain why it didn’t last. Twuntartist.

“Rocky finally realised that there was no such football club as Middlesbrough United and this, combined with crippling arthritis, put paid to his footballing dreams.Though if you’ve seen Boro play this season you’d think the gobby cunt could have at least got a run out.”

Rocky Andrews, 21.  Already earning a nice wedge through his sandwich business, Rocky narrowly avoided disaster by almost being a footballer with “Middlesbrough United“, according to the BBC site. But Rocky finally realised that there was no such football club as “Middlesbrough United” and this, combined with crippling arthritis, put paid to his footballing dreams.  Though if you’ve seen Boro play this season you’d think the gobby cunt could have at least got a run out. Sewage outlet.

The two teams hit the ground running and immediately spent several crucial hours coming up with names for their teams. The girls arrived at Ignite (hereafter known as Bigshite), the boys at Empire (hereafter known as Empdire).  The task set for them by Sugarlumps was cleaning – it could be cars, it could be people, it could be buildings.  Just show him the money.

“Empdire quickly graduated from cleaning shoes badly to cleaning minicabs badly. Bigshite went on to clean some classic cars and made a big fuck up of that as well.”

 Bigshite sprung into action immediately, with Mona telling the salesmen at a Humvee joint that he was lying about how much their usual cleaning people charged.  Yeah, you go girl – that’ll teach the potential customer bastard to run his mouth.  Empdire, meanwhile, start shining shoes at £4 a pop.  Having learnt their trade the hard way, they quickly graduated from cleaning shoes badly to cleaning minicabs badly.  They were nothing if not versatile. Bigshite went on to clean some classic cars and made a big fuck up of that as well.

When the final scores are totted up by Sir Alan’s bean counters Bigshite make a decidedly mediocre £160.55 profit while Empdire make a slightly less mediocre £230 profit.  The boys got sent back to the luxury mansion to be treated to cocktails by a pair of flash cunts who do that bottle shaking and juggling thing.  This, the consensus ran, was the good life.

Back in the final death row boardroom, Mona and Debra went at it like a couple of fishwives while Anita sat there and simpered. Debra is a gigantic bullshit artist but there’s really only one loser here.  Sorry, Anita – you’re fired.  She looked like a disappointed rhinoceroses that had just been tranqed and tagged. .

“Debra is a gigantic bullshit artist but there’s really only one loser here. Sorry, Anita – you’re fired. She looked like a disappointed rhinoceroses that had just been tranqed and tagged.”

The Apprentice opener got 8.1 million viewers – a record.  It seems The Apprentice is a beast who just keeps coming.  It was a pretty low-key start but there looks to be enough potential for conflict to make this another winning season for what is the most consistently absorbing reality TV show on the box. Prepare for further updates as the series progresses. Aerial Telly like this one.

The best thing about it: The boardroom reckonings are still the showpiece.

The worst thing about it: Some seriously strangely shaped faces this year.  Where do they find them?

The verdict on The Apprentice Season 5: Still representing.

Marks out of 10: 8

¹ Yes, but it’s all relative isn’t it?