Talk to me

ITV

Aerial Telly watched this chiefly for Laura Fraser who is a wonderful piece of pie. He’s not convinced she’s that great an actor but who cares when she is as pielicious as she is? Add to this Emma Pie-rson as a drunken tart and you’ve got a pincer movement of pie as effective as any drama has had in living memory. Talk To Me is a love triangle drama that unfolds as predictably as most of these things do but despite some pretty clunky dialogue and baffling character motivation it’s an enjoyable enough hump of cunt to rest your head on Sunday nights which is all you can reasonably expect these days.

"Despite some pretty clunky dialogue and baffling character motivation it’s an enjoyable enough hump of cunt to rest your head on Sunday nights"

Mitch Moore (Max Beesley best known for appearing in Bodies and Scary Spice‘s twot) runs a hard hitting controversial late-night radio talk show. He’s a hard hitting controversial late-night kind of guy – a notorious womaniser who shoots from the hip and doesn’t give a damn about sticking two fingers up to authority, political correctness and The Man. He runs his show his way and to hell with the nay-sayers. He’s a twat, in other words. Mitch is about to be best man at Claire‘s (Laura Fraser) and Woody‘s (who cares?) wedding. Woody is finally making an honest woman of Claire after 8 years. Why did he take so long, she wonders? She thinks he doesn’t fuck her like he used to, that she’s got fat since their child was born. Now, I’m all for all depicting women exactly as mental and self-hating as they are but the idea of Laura Fraser being a confidence lacking fatty is really pushing it. What is she, some kind of body dysmorphic schmorphic weirdo?

"Mitch and Claire become closer culminating in him fucking seven kinds of crap out of the gorgeous little honey cunted pietrocity."

Her best friend Ally (Emma Pie-rson) is dating Mitch but is unceremoniously dumped after giving the love rat a blowjob. As Woody and Claire argue over seemingly nothing, Mitch and Claire become closer culminating in him fucking seven kinds of crap out of the gorgeous little honey cunted pietrocity. Also in the infidelity corner is Mitch’s sister Kelly (Kate Ashfield), in a childless marriage with Neil Morrissey alike husband Scott. Kelly wants a child but Scott refuses. So Kelly goes out and fucks one – Aaron, a 15 year-old pupil of hers at her school who takes his top off after scoring a goal exactly like the Mick in Notes On A Scandal. As pointed out here many times before, there’s nothing wrong with attractive women fucking schoolboys. It’s been going on for millennia now and no ill-effects have yet been reported.

"Mitch explains to Claire that his promiscuity is down to being denied the woman he truly loves. ‘Jennifer Lopez?’ she asks ‘The Twins from Grange Hill? Laura "A-levels" Spence?’"

As prelude to boning her into another dimension, Mitch explains to Claire that his promiscuity is down to being denied the woman he truly loves. "Jennifer Lopez?" she asks "The Twins from Grange Hill? Laura "A-levels" Spence?". No, of course not. He means her and before you know it, and despite no sexual tension between them, she’s waving her panties over her head and screaming "come get me". It’s not a very convincing affair. We’d all fuck over our best friend for a shot at Laura Fraser but why would she be fucking Max Beesley? Or anyone apart from me? It’s generally a kind of trashy watchable drama. Danny Brocklehurst (Shameless, Clocking Off) knows how to keep things lively even if it’s a bit all over the place.

The best thing about it: Laura Fraser.

The worst thing about it: Max Beesley looking horrifically smug for having banged Laura Fraser.

The verdict on Talk to me: A diverting enough pie fest.

Marks out of 10: 7