ITV
This week Failey channels Ice Cube on You Can’t Fade Me. After vicious yet completely accurate comments from Pissed Gill about her taking the dilznick from Pemberton she’s ducking, dodging, creeping and making him wear a paper bag over his head like Gareth Southgate’s Pizza Hut advert. It’s all a bit demeaning. When she plays truant from some rank awards ceremony they were attending together he tells to GTFO and Rachel is dumped like Tom Cruise once he opens up about Xenu. Thank Christ she’s got work to focus on.
Because there’s always something. A landlord and his wife get themselves shot through the tits in their own pub. Does the location make it better or worse? I’d ask but they’re both dead like a pair of cunts. Tom and Patricia Robinson is the name and bleeding to death in agony’s the game. The couple’s 16-year-old son Hymen is devastated. “Yeah like, you know, whatever man” he says. In what seems to be a common response to “death”, he cries like a little bitch about it.
Turns out Hymen has a dead half-sister Carla who is also kind of alive? Being a grotesque abomination halfway between life and death Carla is a proper bitch – a common trollop with a real mouth on her. Her mother put her into a residential drugs programme aged 17. I’m not sure why you would send your kids on a course on how to take drugs but it seems to have done the trick because she’s shooting up like the Jesus and Mary Chain.
She’s got previous with local scrote Ben Townsley whose DNA is found on chewing gum at the scene of the slaughter. It’s a struggle with two criminalgeniuses like this but Rachel eventually cracks the case with an overlooked gym membership card. Dead Carla shot mammy and daddy for a few dozen wraps of speed. In hindsight that drugs programme seems like a really bad move.
Over on the domestic front Scott’s nausey daughter Elise runs back to mammy after getting friendzoned by her new Asian brother. Effing life man. No wonder Pissed Gill doesn’t want to retire. She’s now on 4 litres of vodka a day and her liver’s as fucked as a girlfriend of Oscar Pistorius who didn’t take into account all his wonderful charity work before getting herself shot. If she makes it one month into her retirement it’s a fucking miracle
The verdict: Drug tariff.
Marks out of 10: 7.5