ITV
If there’s a woman more pissed than Pissed Gill on Shott and Failey then I’ll be amazed. Increasingly resembling Cider Woman from Viz she’s a disgrace to the force, her gender and humanity. She slurs through the morning briefing while hiking her knickers out of her arse and via subtitles we learn that some smart mouthed kid called Andrew “Drew” Redhead, 13 months old, has got himself killed. Drew sustained multiple cranial injuries after throwing himself to the ground 19 times in a row at least that’s the story coming from his parents Marcus and Jenny. “Go on, arrest me!” insists a distraught Jenny, something the literal minded coppers are only too happy to do.
Preliminary investigations suggest that Marcus and Jenny have been bouncing Drew off walls, kicking him up the arse, slamming his head in a drawer, whacking him with hockey sticks, throwing him down the stairs, hanging him on the rotary washing line and using him as the puck on the air hockey table. And now they’re lying like cunts about it.
In theory this sounds pretty bad but the toxicology reports show that Drew was a serious cocaine user and when a child goes off the rails that early challenging for everyone.
Drew was a serious cocaine user and when a child goes off the rails that early challenging for everyone.
Always want to back a hunch Rachel takes one look at the couple’s childminder Adjoah Ekundayo and screams “ritual sacrifice voodoo killing bitch!” and hauls her in. Adjoah takes umbrage at this and cites her law degree from University of Nohopeton. Failey is too thick to realise that a degree from the University of Nohopeton is as worthless as the assurance “of course I won’t be injecting heroin – I’m a parent now!” from a member of the Geldof family. She lets her go.
Otherwise things are pretty sweet for Failey. She’s going off to vice for a few months to her dream gig busting johns and scouring child porn. Gill suspects that Rachel is fucking her way to the top via Pemberton. This from a woman who was last sober in 1987.
Anyway, it transpires that Jenny was actually trying to save Drew by giving him cocaine to wake him up after one of his binges. If anything she deserves a medal. Jen’s pregnant with a new baby to kill so I imagine we’ll be seeing her again in about 18 months? I’m just glad none of her kids are making it past infancy to start breeding. Fucking genetic trash
The verdict: Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Marks out of 10: 7.5