By now we’re quite familiar with the By Any Means team ethic – teabag the due process of the British legal system right in its mouth at every opportunity. This week two cartoon super villains Laurence and Sally Walker (played by Neil Hamilton and Mary Archer) are in their sights. They stole £3m from a charity they set up ostensibly to stop Syrian children being starved and buggered. In the process they destroyed the careers of two God-fearing coppers who did their level best to harass the truth out of them. Helen Barlow charges her attack dogs with finding the money, clearing the honourable filth and bringing Hamilton and Archer to justice, just like they sort of were in real life. Quim thinks he’s got it licked.
By now we’re quite familiar with the By Any Means team ethic – teabag the due process of the British legal system right in its mouth at every opportunity.
And why wouldn’t he? For one thing he’s got tenacious hack Holly Goodrich (Amy Nuttall from Clownton) nipping at the Tory slime’s heels with some “facts” about their baby bothering. And yet Mary Archer is pretty slick so they go with a pincer movement – TomTom follows the winding digital paper trail of the missing money and he and Jess bug the house for those crucial clues corporate criminals eventually leave behind.
When this doesn’t work Jack is all “fuck this – let’s kidnap the cunt, see if the skank pays up” and that’s exactly what they do – Jess acting as the roadside fender bender honey trap, the role she was born to play. It’s not one of Jack’s better plans though, something driven home when coppers trace them at the rumbling the bugs and bust their hideout like drawing pin on a grape. Slick work, fellas.
Helen somehow manages to bail them out and Jack gives his word he won’t touch the Walkers who decide it would be a really good time to leave the country and spend that big pile of euros stained with the blood of Syrian children. Better luck next week eh, BAM squad?
So after literally smoking them out with a smoke machine it is revealed that the Walkers are literally sitting on a fortune on the sofa
But wait, they still have one play left. After hours jerking off to illegal surveillance material Jack realises that the money is inside the house. So after literally smoking them out with a smoke machine it is revealed that the Walkers are literally sitting on a fortune on the sofa where Mary Archer stashed the cash. Quim gives the hack a world exclusive, God’s in his heaven and the Tory scum are apprehended. You’ve got more chance of an unhappy ending on Entourage.
The verdict: Trying my patience now.
Marks out of 10: 6