BBC One
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The last time we saw smoking hot Sybil from Clownton she was icy cold having been killed giving birth to Branson Pickle the Fenian’s child. Yet now she returns on Jamaica Inn as dowdy Mary Yellan who sets off to the darkest recesses of Cornwall to crash with her Aunt Patience (Joanne Whalley) after her ma dies. The year is 1821, the shit pit is Bodmin Moor and the truth is that a woman will endure anything besides boredom.
She runs into charismatic horse thief Jem Merlyn (Matthew McNulty); last seen in The Mill thing beating an innocent Irish unconscious and who among us hasn’t wanted to do that? The smell of horseshit, tooth decay and male body odour is irresistible to Mary so you can bet we’ll be hearing more of him and not just because his brother is married to Patience. Joss Merlyn (Sean Harris who you’ll remember from spree-killing fun parade Southcliffe) is a real catch. A brutish tyrant, violent alcoholic and controlling ment, it looks like he’d like to put his cock in Mary and given that the missus is a jittery old twot it doesn’t look like she’ll be much competition.
The smell of horseshit, tooth decay and male body odour is irresistible to Mary so you can bet we’ll be hearing more of him
But what exactly is it that goes on at Jamaica Inn? Oh bit whenof this, bit of that. Smugglers are regular visitors – just like the ones who killed Mary’s pops. This naturally doesn’t sit well with the girl but she feels a lot safer when Joss stops one of his thugs Eli Brown (Tristan Sturrock) from raping her. Every day spent in Cornwall with your hymen and gizzard intact is a fucking blessing.
Every day spent in Cornwall with your hymen and gizzard intact is a fucking blessing.
When the operation tries to smoke out the rat in their midst who seems to be feeding info to the filth Mary witnesses Joss hang clueless rube Abe (Simon Meacock) on the say-so of a mysterious disembodied voice sounding like Norman’s mother in Psycho. Patience tells her the other fellow is the man who tells Joss what to do and gives Patience the odd sock in the jaw for talking greazy.
What this all means is anybody’s guess but it’s the final straw for Mary who marches into town to report the murder to a constable. Oh there’s a constable alright. It’s Cuntbubble rapey Eli Brown. Cos-mic. Mary better get on board with the smuggling racket or start counting down the hours to her death. “There’s nothing so dangerous as a headstrong girl that knows her own mind” she is told. “Yeah well you’ve never had to deal with rapey Cuntbubble Brown when he’s had a skinful.” she responds. The girl’s got a point. Ay yi yi.
The verdict: She went of her own accord.
Marks out of 10: 6