BBC Two
Imagine being Swallowed by a Sink Hole. I know what you’re thinking. “Hurrr. Dude, you said swallowed”. Shut up. You’re never ever having sex again. The documentary focuses on the case of Jeff Bush, Florida man who woke up one night last February to find himself being sucked into the Earth by forces beyond his reckoning. Here, geologist Professor Iain Stewart investigates what exactly bungholes are and why exactly we should give a shit.
The first talks to Jeff’s brother Jeremy and the conversation confirms that watching your own brother being sucked into the centre of the Earth to his certain death is colossally traumatic. Professor Piehead is determined to solve Jeff’s murder, bring his killers to justice and discover why exactly there are so many bungholes in Florida.
Professor Piehead is determined to solve Jeff’s murder, bring his killers to justice and discover why exactly there are so many bungholes in Florida.
The first suspects are 300 million years old. Dead marine organisms in fossilised mud, compressed into the limestone which made Florida. Rain can dissolve limestone if it’s acidic and as man-made processes make the pH drop into the acidic range it’s gradually dissolving the whole state. An emotional Piehead wades into the shallow seas surrounding the state. It’s just a couple of feet deep two miles out. He tearfully picks up two handfuls of the fossilised mud and yells “Murdering bastards! Look what you did!” Then he pulls his cock out and attempts to fuck the long dead organisms. His foreskin gets caught in his watch strap and there’s blood and mud everywhere. It’s quite disturbing.
He tearfully picks up two handfuls of the fossilised mud and yells “Murdering bastards! Look what you did!”
The Professor recovers enough to journey out into the remote swamplands to meet up with diver Jarrod Jablonski. He waves Jarrod and his pals off as they descend into an underground bunghole. It’s creepy down there. The formation of clay is a real issue. The ground becomes unstable if the clay gets too wet or too dry. Florida is a furnace in the summer making it a water hungry state (dry clay) and it’s also Hurricane Alley (wet clay). So Florida is basically screwed either way.
The Professor is sad. The documentary proves beyond any reasonable doubt that Mother Nature is a motherfucker. Bungholes are a real problem and they’ve killed more people in Florida than Dexter. Man-made global warming has created an ecological catastrophe in the sunshine state and there’s absolutely nothing we can do to stop the slaughter. “Life in Florida” is a disgusting oxymoron.
You’re more likely to be decapitated by a Rick Astley CD carelessly thrown out of a passing DeLorean than get turded by one of these things.
Then right at the end he reveals that bungholes have only killed 3 people in the last 40 years. 40 years? What? Why are we watching this shit? You’re more likely to be decapitated by a Rick Astley CD carelessly thrown out of a passing DeLorean than get turded by one of these things. Get the fuck out of here Piehead – you and your fucking bungholes. Non-issue addressing motherfucker. Christ on a fucking bike.
The verdict: Every hole’s a goal.
Marks out of 10: 5